You’re still here.

After everything… the conversations that went nowhere, the silence that stretched too long, the efforts that backfired, the slow creep of distance that nobody officially announced but everyone quietly felt… you’re still here. Still reading. Still looking for a way through.

That’s the most important variable in this entire equation: You still showing up, still finding a way forward… still taking action.

But there’s something you’ve probably been carrying alongside all of that trying. A feeling you may not have said out loud because it sounds like either self-pity or an accusation, and you’re tired of both.

“I’m the only one working on this.”

If that’s where you are, this piece is for you.

What Asymmetry Actually Feels Like

It’s a particular kind of exhaustion — not just from the effort itself, but from the loneliness of it. From being the one who read the books, listened to the podcasts, examined your own patterns, made the changes, tried the approaches, and then watched your spouse continue doing exactly what they were doing before.

It can start to feel like you’re pushing a door that isn’t just closed. It feels locked from the other side.

And somewhere in that exhaustion, a question starts to form. Not about your spouse. About yourself.

What’s the point of one person working on a marriage?

It’s a fair question. And it deserves a real answer. This is not reassurance, not a pep talk, but an actual answer grounded in how relationships work.

Here it is: marriages are systems. And in any system, when one element changes, the system responds.

You are an element in this system. A significant one. And that means your changes — real changes, second-order changes, not just adjusted behavior but shifted patterns — don’t happen in isolation. They ripple.

Why One Person Can Shift a Marriage

This is how relational dynamics actually function, not just wishful thinking

Your marriage, like every marriage, runs on patterns. The Chaser/Spacer pattern we’ve talked about. The cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. The eggshell-walking and the overcorrection. The transactional conversations that replaced real ones. These patterns don’t require both people to consciously agree to them. They emerge from the dynamic and then sustain themselves.

Which means they can be disrupted from one side.

When you stop participating in the patterns that are feeding the disconnection — when you genuinely change your role in the system rather than just your tone within it — the pattern loses one of the two people it needs to function. It can’t sustain itself in its current form. Something has to shift.

Your spouse will respond to that shift. Not necessarily immediately. Not necessarily in the way you hope. But the system will respond, because that’s what systems do when their inputs change.

This is why working alone isn’t the obstacle it appears to be. The goal was never to get your spouse to work on the marriage alongside you… at least not yet. The goal is to change the system from your side of it until the conditions that made connection impossible start to give way.

It’s not manipulation. It’s not strategy in some cold, calculated sense. It’s understanding how the thing you’re trying to save actually works — and working with that reality rather than against it.

What’s Been Missing

Here’s the honest thing to say after five articles of diagnosis:

Understanding what’s happening isn’t enough. Seeing the patterns clearly isn’t enough. Even genuine motivation and real love aren’t enough, as you’ve probably already discovered.

What’s been missing is a sequence.

Not tips. Not conversation scripts. Not a list of things to try this week and see what sticks.

A sequence. A structured progression that accounts for where your spouse actually is right now, that builds the right foundation before attempting the right conversations, that changes the conditions first and then works with what those new conditions make possible.

This is the difference between knowing the destination and having a map. You’ve known where you want to go for a long time. What’s been missing is the road.

The Moment It Starts to Turn

After more than three decades of working with people in marriage crisis, many of them working completely alone, with a spouse who had checked out, moved out, or was actively pursuing a divorce, I’ve seen something consistent in the ones who turned it around.

It wasn’t a single conversation. It wasn’t the perfect gesture or the right words finally landing. It wasn’t their spouse suddenly waking up and deciding to try.

It was a shift in the system. Quiet, consistent, and structured. One person changing their patterns with enough clarity and enough commitment that the dynamic around them had no choice but to respond.

It doesn’t always work. Nothing always works. But it works far more often than people expect, and particularly when someone stops trying harder and starts trying differently.

If you’ve read all five articles in this series, you’ve done something important: you’ve stopped pretending the problem is simpler than it is. You understand what’s actually eroding your marriage. You understand why your efforts have been backfiring. You understand what’s at stake and what the timeline looks like.

That clarity is the starting point. What comes next is the roadmap.

The Save The Marriage System is that roadmap, built specifically for people who are working on their marriage alone (or nearly alone). It’s not a communication course or a conflict resolution guide. It’s a structured progression for changing a disconnected marriage from the inside, one person at a time.

If you’re done guessing and ready to work with a system that understands where you actually are, you can start here:

SaveTheMarriage.com

Subscribe now

Last week, “Kim” was describing a fight with her husband.

“He said I never listen to him,” she told me, tears forming. “After fifteen years of marriage… fifteen years of me dropping everything when he needs to talk… he says I never listen. How is that not personal?”

Kim’s question captures something we all struggle with: When someone we love hurts us, it feels like it should be personal. After all, isn’t caring what someone thinks of us the very definition of love?

Maybe you’ve heard your spouse say, “You never appreciate me,” or, “You’re just like your mother.” In those moments, the words cut straight to the heart. It feels impossible not to take it personally.

Yet here’s what I’ve learned from years of working with couples and individuals: The very thing that feels most personal — criticism from someone we love — is often the least personal thing they could do. Understanding this paradox isn’t just philosophical; it’s practical magic for your relationships.

The Projector Screen Principle

Imagine you’re sitting in a movie theater. The screen displays a tragic story… people dying, relationships ending, dreams shattered. You feel moved by the story, but you don’t assume the screen created the tragedy. You understand the screen is simply displaying content that came from somewhere else.

When someone you love lashes out, criticizes, or withdraws from you, you are the screen. The movie — their internal experience of stress, fear, overwhelm, or pain — was already loaded in their projector long before they aimed it at you.

Kim’s husband wasn’t really talking about her listening skills. He was expressing a deeper fear, that he doesn’t matter, that he’s invisible in his own life. His criticism was his internal movie playing out, “I feel unheard and unimportant.”

Kim just happened to be the screen where that movie was projected.

This doesn’t make his words less hurtful. The rain still gets you wet, even though you didn’t cause the storm. But understanding the weather pattern changes everything about how you respond to getting soaked.

Why We Take the Bait Every Time

Before we dive into better ways to respond, we need to understand why our brains are so determined to take things personally. It’s not a character flaw. It’s evolutionary programming.

For thousands of years, being rejected by your tribe meant death. Your brain developed an incredibly sensitive alarm system that treats any sign of disapproval as a survival threat. When someone you love criticizes you, your amygdala — the brain’s alarm center — literally can’t tell the difference between “my spouse thinks I’m messy” and “I’m about to be expelled from the tribe and die alone.”

This is why “don’t take it personally” advice just bounces off us. Our emotional brain hears “ignore the saber-toothed tiger” and cranks up the alarm even louder.

Add to this our deep need to feel understood and valued by those we love, and it’s no wonder every criticism feels like an existential threat. Your brain is doing its job… but it’s running outdated software on modern problems.

The Two Conversations Happening

There’s a reframe that changes everything. In every heated exchange with someone you love, there are always two conversations happening simultaneously.

• Conversation #1: The surface content (what they say they’re upset about).

• Conversation #2: The emotional undercurrent (what they’re really experiencing internally).

When your spouse says, “You never help with the dishes,” that’s Conversation #1. Conversation #2 might be, “I feel overwhelmed and unsupported,” or, “I’m scared we’re growing apart.”

When your teenager rolls their eyes and says, “You don’t understand anything,” Conversation #1 is about your alleged ignorance. Conversation #2 is likely, “I’m trying to figure out who I am, and I need you to see me as capable and independent.”

The magic happens when you learn to respond to Conversation #2 while still acknowledging Conversation #1. And this is true in marriage and in life.

The “Audience of One” Reality

Here’s perhaps the most important insight: When someone you love is activated — angry, hurt, defensive — they’re not really seeing you. They’re seeing their story about you.

Your spouse isn’t arguing with the real you who remembered to pick up milk and listened to their work stress yesterday. They’re arguing with the character in their internal story… the one who “never helps” or “doesn’t care.”

You have two choices: You can fight their story (which never works, because you can’t logic someone out of an emotional state), or you can wait for them to come back to the real you.

Think of it this way: When someone is activated, you have an audience of one. But that one isn’t really present. They’re watching their internal movie with you cast in a role you never auditioned for. The question isn’t “How do I make them see the real me right now?” but “How do I stay connected to the real them until they return?”

Reframes That Actually Work

Now let’s get practical. Here are the mental shifts that can transform how you experience difficult moments with people you love:

• The Weather Report Approach
  Instead of: “Why are they being so mean to me?”
  Try: “What kind of internal weather are they experiencing right now?”

• Detective Mode
  Instead of: “How can they say that about me?”
  Try: “What clues is their behavior giving me about what they’re really struggling with?”

• The Emotional First Aid Lens
  Instead of: “They’re attacking me.”
  Try: “They’re bleeding emotionally, and I’m the closest person to them.”

• Separate the Person from Their State
  Instead of: “My partner is being impossible.”
  Try: “The person I love is hijacked by stress right now.”

These aren’t about excusing bad behavior. They’re about helping you respond wisely instead of defensively.

The Progressive Training Method

Like building physical strength, developing emotional resilience requires progressive training. You don’t start by trying to deadlift 300 pounds; you work your way up.

Start with low-stakes situations where it’s easier to see that someone’s behavior isn’t about you:

• The cashier who’s curt.

• The driver who cuts you off.

• The stranger who’s rude at the coffee shop.

Practice thinking: “I wonder what’s going on in their world that made them respond this way?”

Once you’ve built this muscle with strangers, gradually apply it to higher-stakes relationships. The same neural pathway you use with the rude cashier is the one you’ll call on when your spouse is having a meltdown.

The Marriage Exception: When It Should Matter Most

“But wait,” you might be thinking. “Isn’t my spouse’s opinion supposed to matter to me? Shouldn’t I care what they think?”

Yes. And this is where the approach becomes most crucial… and where the resistance is strongest.

In marriage, “don’t take it personally” can sound like “don’t care about your relationship.” But that’s not the point. The distinction is this: You can care deeply about your spouse’s experience without making their activated state a referendum on your worth.

Their opinion matters and their emotional storm isn’t the measure of your value.

Think of the layers at play:

• Layer 1: The immediate trigger (dishes, money, schedules).

• Layer 2: The more profound fear or need (feeling unsupported, unheard, disconnected).

• Layer 3: Their personal history and triggers (childhood experiences, past wounds, current stressors).

You can address Layers 1 and 2 together. But Layer 3, their personal emotional history, isn’t about you… even when it’s affecting you.

Breaking the Reaction Cycle

Here’s what typically happens in relationships:

1. Person A gets triggered and reacts.

2. Person B takes it personally and reacts back.

3. Person A escalates because now they feel attacked.

4. Person B escalates because they feel misunderstood.

5. Repeat until someone storms out or shuts down.

But what if you stopped feeding the fire?

When you don’t take your loved one’s activated state personally, you create space for something beautiful. They get to feel their feelings without the added burden of managing your reaction to their feelings.

This is actually one of the most loving things you can do. Instead of making their storm about you, you’re giving them room to process and return to themselves.

Practical Scripts for Real Moments

Okay. So, let’s get specific. Here’s how these principles translate into actual responses:

• When they say: “You never listen to me!”
  Instead of: “That’s not true! I listened to you just yesterday…”
  Try: “It sounds like you’re feeling unheard. That must be frustrating. Tell me more.”

• When they say: “You don’t care about this family!”
  Instead of: “How can you say that? Look at everything I do!”
  Try: “Wow, it must feel overwhelming if it seems like you’re carrying this alone. What’s been weighing on you?”

• When they say: “You’re just like your mother!”
  Instead of: “Don’t you dare bring my mother into this!”
  Try: “Ouch. You must be really upset to go there. What do you need from me right now?”

Notice the pattern: You’re acknowledging their emotional reality without accepting their story about you as truth.

The “Add Wisdom” Strategy

Here’s the approach that works better than trying to fight your emotional reactions: Add wisdom alongside your emotional reactions.

When someone you love hurts you:

• Stage 1: Honor the Impact.
  “Of course that hurt. Anyone would be upset by that treatment.”

• Stage 2: Add Perspective.
  “And I’m also curious about what was happening in their world that made them respond that way.”

You’re not dismissing your feelings. You’re expanding your view to hold both your valid hurt and curiosity about their inner state.

Think of it as installing an update on your emotional operating system. The old version — taking everything personally — was meant to protect you. The new version runs more efficiently and creates better outcomes.

When They Come Back to Themselves

What happens when you consistently respond without taking it personally? They start to trust that you can handle their emotions without falling apart or attacking back.

This creates what therapists call emotional safety, the sense that they can be messy and human with you without losing your love or respect.

Over time, the cycle shifts. Instead of a two-hour fight, it becomes a twenty-minute storm followed by, “I’m sorry, I was overwhelmed and took it out on you.”

Eventually, they may even say, “I’m having a hard time right now. It’s not about you. I just need some space.”

The Immune System Analogy

Think of this new way of responding as building your psychological immune system. When harsh words come your way, instead of absorbing them and getting infected, you scan them automatically:

• “What’s useful information here?”

• “What’s their emotional stuff?”

• “What do they actually need from me?”

Like a physical immune system, this gets stronger with practice. Eventually, you’ll find yourself curious about someone’s behavior rather than defensive about it.

The Long Game

This isn’t about becoming invulnerable or uncaring. It’s about becoming more skillful in how you love.

When you stop taking your loved one’s activated states personally:

• You respond to what they actually need instead of defending against what they say.

• You feel more empowered because you’re not at the mercy of their emotional weather.

• Your relationships improve because there’s less reactivity and more understanding.

• You model emotional maturity for your kids and others.

• You create space for intimacy because people feel safer being real with you.

Like any skill, this requires practice:

• Notice when you’re taking something personally.

• Pause and ask: “What else could this be about?”

• Try one of the reframes from this article.

• Notice how your body feels when you shift perspective.

• Be patient with yourself. You are building new pathways.

Remember: You’re not trying to become a robot. You are learning to stay connected to love, even when love gets messy.

The Bottom Line

The people you love are going to hurt you sometimes. Not because they don’t love you, but because they’re human beings with their own fears, triggers, and limitations.

Your job isn’t to prevent them from being difficult. Your job is to love them skillfully, to see their behavior as information about their internal state rather than evidence of your worth.

This doesn’t mean tolerating poor treatment or avoiding hard conversations. It means approaching those conversations from curiosity and care rather than defensiveness and hurt.

The next time someone you love lashes out, remember: You are not the movie. You’re the screen. And screens don’t get damaged by the stories projected onto them. They simply reflect what’s there, waiting for a new story to begin.

The capacity to not take things personally… and to stay connected… is a major relationship (and life) skill. It can transform all of your relationships, if you apply it.

If you are a paying subscriber, I have additional resources available to you below. There is a companion guide that is a quick reminder and workbook for you to apply the lessons here. And I have also included an audio training that will help you activate and expand these ideas in your marriage.

Why for paying subscribers only? Because I want to make sure to give extra support to those who support me in my efforts to share strategies for saving and improving your relationship… as well as building a thriving life.

If you are not a financial supporter, please consider doing so, both for the resources and to support my efforts.

Subscribe now

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“You gotta have hope!” I’ve heard that phrase so many times in my career. It is delivered to someone who is feeling pretty decimated by some bad news. Sure, hope is a great thing.

But as far as I can see, telling someone they have to have it has never led to having it.

In fact, more often than not, I hear the response, “How am I supposed to have hope, given this?”

Now sure, they mean that as a dismissive statement of impossibility. They see their situation as being impossible for hope to exist.

Which is perhaps why hope has been the subject of philosophers, theologians, and psychologists, for so long. Some wonder if hope is even something we should entertain (the nihilists), and others see it as something coming from faith (theologians). Which is perhaps why the whole subject of hope gets a bit murky and confusing for those of us trying to live our lives in the face of struggles (marital or otherwise). Is hope something you have or don’t have? Is it something you can build or discover? Heck, what IS it even??

What I do know from experience is that humans do not do well without hope. Nor does false hope help us much to move forward. So, we need hope. But realistic hope.

When we don’t have hope, there isn’t really much reason to move forward. And we start looking for hope in other directions. We need hope that badly. Not having it, we get stuck… and look for hope wherever it might come… even if that place is neither helpful nor healthy.

I asked a client, “Why did you start that affair? I suspect you knew it was a bad choice, that it would likely end badly, and that it was against your own morals.” He looked at me and said, “I gave up on marriage, felt stuck… maybe even dead. I needed some hope, some since of life. That was what the affair gave me. A little bit of hope. Sick as that is, I was so desperate to feel some hope for something feeling better.”

That is the power of hope… or a search for hope. People can act in ways that are counter to their own values and morals, if they are desperate for finding hope.

One of my favorite authors is Viktor Frankl. He was the author of Man’s Search for Meaning, recounting his time in a concentration camp. The book also lays out the importance of meaning and hope. In a concentration camp, one might imagine both are in short supply. But Frankl saw people clinging to both. He noticed those who lost hope, writing, “The prisoner who had lost faith in the future - his future - was doomed. With his loss of belief in the future, he also lost his spiritual hold. He let himself decline and become subject to mental and physical decay.” 

Wow, we waded in deep there, right? 

I want to set the stage, though, for what happens when hope is lost… or even when someone gives up on hope in one place, and looks for it elsewhere (for example, lost hope in marriage, hoping for divorce to fix it).

You with me so far?

So, what is hope? It is a belief in a future moment that is better in some way from this point. Having hope for a better day tomorrow, for example. Or hope in a treatment to beat some infirmity. Or hope that a relationship can be better than it is right now.

It involves a better future. And if someone has a firm hold on that, they can go through tough moments to get there. But you have to have hope that things will improve, in order to go through challenges and tough times.

At the beginning of my career, it was pretty much, “Hope is a good thing. You need it. So get some hope.” There just wasn’t much on how to get there – how to “have hope.” Or more importantly, how to build and hold hope.

Then, I stumbled onto a psychology researcher, Charles Richard Snyder, “Rick.” It was in the early ‘90’s and Snyder had been doing research since the 1980’s on this very subject. I found his research and realized it was what you need to build and hold hope. His research took hope out of the esoteric and made it operational.

Let me give you the formula and walk you through it. Then, I have a special resource (see the end of the article) on how to plug this into your efforts on your marriage.

The Hope Formula:

Hope = Goals + Pathway + Agency

It starts with having a goal, right? When you think about it, that is the beginning point. If you think back to that definition of hope, it is the belief that something is going to be better at some point. That “being better” involves some sort of goal. What is going to be better? How? That is the goal.

Many times, when I talk with people, they have some goal in mind… but they stop right there. This isn’t about hope, but about wishing. They wish things would get better. They can imagine what it might be like. They just don’t move beyond that.

Which brings in the next piece of the formula: Pathway.

Can you see a pathway to get there? Do you know how you might get to your goal? The strategies, the actions, the methods, the way to get there? Nothing happens if you don’t know the path to get there. 

Let’s say I have a goal of going to the beach. I have a goal. Do I know how to get there? I could pull out a map, or even put it into my phone’s GPS and let that tell me how to get there. And maybe I have to decide on how I might travel – car, bike, bus, train, plane… walk?? I mean, they are all methods I could use to get there. So, I pick my mode of transportation and know the path to get there. Check, check.

Still, nothing has happened. I have the first two pieces of the puzzle. And that might be wishful daydreaming. I know my goal, the way I could do it… and here I still am. No closer. And maybe I won’t get any closer.

Maybe you know people who are planners, but never execute. I have an acquaintance that wants to write a book. Has wanted to do it for years. This person has a goal – even knows the subject and the title for the book! And there has been plenty of prep. My acquaintance has read multiple books on writing a book. This person has bought a few devices to write on… a computer (too confining), a laptop (too bulky), a tablet (too cramped).

So, what’s missing?

That last element. The willingness to actually take action, to follow the pathway to the goal. Agency. 

I know people who have a goal, and are raring to go; they just don’t know how to do it. So, they have goal and agency, but no pathway. That is a matter of education and learning. 

I know people who have a goal and pathway, but no agency. That one is tough. You can’t make someone want to do something badly enough to take action. But sometimes, their desire is there… they just have something blocking them from action.

How about you? What part of the equation is missing for you? Goal? Pathway? Agency?

This process of self-examination is a great way to assess what is holding you back from hope. What is it that keeps you stuck and frustrated (a sign of waning hope)? What is it that has you, perhaps, despondent and hopeless? Knowing the equation, it is easier to create a path to hope… and therefore, a path toward your goal.

And if you have a goal, you have a pathway, and you have agency… but you are still not taking action, then we look at what is blocking agency from action.

And now… not to be a downer… but… just because you have hope, even built hope, doesn’t guarantee your goal is achieved. Picking a goal and working toward it has never been a guarantee of achieving the goal. Using the Hope Formula does not magically align everything in your favor. There are still other elements at play.

But let me just turn that around for a moment:  without hope – having a goal, having a path, and having agency – you are not likely to get there. Having hope doesn’t guarantee you get every goal you want. It’s just that not having hope certainly lowers getting there. Sure, you might get lucky and it just drops in your lap. But for the most part, that just isn’t how things work. 

So, what if your spouse has lost hope? And how can you make a shift for yourself, find hope, build on hope, and use that to improve your marriage (and your life)?

I have a resource that can help you shift from the “wishy” hope to having hope be what you create and build… it becomes a skill.

Using the same framework we discussed here, I created an Action Plan for your use, along with several Training Audios (and some support Bonus Resources). If you want to master hope, this is what you need.

👉 GO HERE to grab The Hope System and learn to actualize hope.

It’s one of the most common dynamics I see:
Someone wants to save their marriage, but their spouse isn’t trying. They may be checked out, resistant, or certain it’s already over.

And so the question comes:
“How can I save a marriage alone?”

It’s a fair question. Marriage, after all, takes two.

But here’s the truth:
Most relational change doesn’t begin with both people at the table.
It begins when one person chooses to show up differently.

The Quiet Power of One

If you’re the only one trying, it may feel unfair.
Frustrating. Exhausting. Maybe even hopeless.

But don’t underestimate the quiet power of one person’s decision to change.

Relationships are systems. They’re like math equations: change one side, and the other side must adapt.

Or think of it like a dance.
You and your spouse have practiced the same steps for years. They may not be graceful or healthy steps, but they’re familiar. You both know the rhythm.

But if you begin to move differently… more gently, more calmly, more intentionally, your spouse will feel it. And slowly, perhaps surprisingly, they may begin to respond.

What You Can Control (And What You Can’t)

When your spouse isn’t trying, it’s easy to fixate on what they’re doing—or not doing. But the more you focus there, the more powerless you’ll feel.

So come back to what is in your control.

I teach a framework called The 3 A’s of Control:

• Aspirations – What do you hope for? Who do you want to be in this relationship?

• Attitude – Are you open to growth? Can you hold on to hope?

• Actions – What are you saying or doing today? What are you choosing not to say or do?

These three — your dreams, your mindset, and your behavior — are yours.
That’s your lane. That’s where real influence begins.

Beware of Outcome Attachment

Here’s one of the biggest emotional traps:
You start doing the work… and begin to expect specific outcomes.

“If I grow… they’ll change.”
“If I connect… they’ll come back.”
“If I’m calm… they’ll see what we could be again.”

Sometimes, yes. But often, not on your timeline. Not the way you script it.

When you become attached to a specific outcome, you begin to keep score.
You read into their every word or silence. You feel every small disappointment as a step backward.

So here’s the shift:
Detach from the outcome. Re-attach to the process.

Focus on what you can do today to connect… to grow… to lead with integrity.
Let go of the scoreboard. Trust the path.

Connection + Change = Traction

What should you focus on when you’re the only one trying?

Two things:

1. Connection

Look for small, honest ways to connect.
Not to fix. Not to prove. Just to be present.
A kind word. A shared moment. A softened tone.
Tiny bridges can lead to real rebuilding.

2. Change

Work on you, not because you're the problem, but because growth is part of life.
You’re not fixing yourself. You’re investing in yourself.
And that naturally shifts the relationship dynamics.

This is not about self-blame.
This is about refusing to stay stuck.

You’re Not Alone in Doing It Alone

Here’s the irony: many people feel isolated in this.
But this is one of the most common patterns in hurting marriages.

You’re not the only one trying.
You’re one of the brave ones who didn’t give up.

Yes, it’s hard. But it’s hopeful.
Because relationships are responsive. Systems adjust. Dances change.

Your efforts matter.
They’re not wasted. They’re creating movement.

A Better Dance Awaits

Maybe the dance you’ve been doing together has become stiff… strained… full of pain.

But if you choose new steps — more grounded, more present, more compassionate — your partner may begin to notice.
They may step toward you.
They may discover there’s a better way to move together.

And that new rhythm? It can start with you.

If you’re looking for deeper guidance in walking this path, the When They’re Not Trying resource offers strategies and encouragement for those who are currently doing the work solo.

👉 Go Here to learn more about the When They’re Not Trying Playbook

Because one person can begin the change.
And one change can shift everything.

My client was doing everything he could to reconnect with his wife. He sent her flowers, pushed for a weekend together, bought her gifts, tried to hug and kiss her, and was texting her throughout the day. Her response? More talks about “needing space,” more withdrawal, more stonewalling. “Why isn’t this working,” he asked me? “The article I read said I needed to be more attentive. And now, things are even worse than before!”

I told him my overall observation.

“Pulling doesn’t create connection. Pushing doesn’t create safety. Pacing opens the door to both.”

In every hurting relationship, there’s often a hidden dance. One person moves closer, trying to reconnect. The other steps away, needing space. The more one reaches, the more the other retreats. Until both feel alone, misunderstood, and stuck.

This pattern shows up often in my work with individuals who are trying — sometimes single-handedly — to save their marriage. I call it the Chaser/Spacer Dynamic (you can listen to my podcast about this dynamic here).

It’s not about who’s more committed and who is less committed. It’s about how each person responds to relational stress, and what can be done to shift the pattern. Let’s break it down.

What Is a Chaser?

The Chaser is the one who leans in when things feel off. They reach out, ask to talk, and push for clarity. Their intentions are usually good: they want connection, repair, and closeness.

But when driven by anxiety or fear of disconnection, these attempts can feel intense or overwhelming to the other person. What was meant to heal ends up heightening the tension.

What Is a Spacer?

The Spacer is the one who pulls back. They may go silent, stay busy, or emotionally disengage. This isn't necessarily about apathy. It’s often about self-protection — a way to avoid conflict or being overwhelmed.

To the Chaser, this can feel like rejection. To the Spacer, it may feel like survival.

How the Cycle Starts

This dynamic doesn’t begin with bad intentions. Usually, one person senses disconnection and tries to bridge it. The other, feeling pressure or discomfort, steps back. Each is trying to feel safe, but each step reinforces the other’s fear.

One reaches out of fear of being left.
The other retreats out of fear of being controlled.

Round and round they go — unintentionally fueling the very thing they’re trying to avoid.

Why the Chaser/Spacer Pattern Escalates

It’s rooted in fear:

• The Chaser fears abandonment.

• The Spacer fears engulfment or emotional flooding.

Each person believes, “If I don’t do this, things will get worse.” But the more they react from fear, the worse things feel.

Why It Doesn’t Work

Imagine trying to hug someone who’s walking backward. The more you reach, the more they pull away. Eventually, frustration builds — or one person gives up.

Chasing doesn’t build closeness.
Spacing doesn’t build clarity.

What’s needed is a different rhythm. That’s where the Pacer comes in.

Meet the Pacer: Calm, Steady, Grounded

The Pacer isn’t passive, and they’re not pushy. They lead with calm action, not panic. They respect space, but still show up with warmth and consistency.

A Pacer…

• Extends invitations without expecting an immediate response

• Initiates without demanding

• Expresses needs without blaming

• Builds a life that includes their spouse — but isn’t controlled by them

They say: “I’m still here. I’m still growing. I’m still open. And I’m okay, even if we’re not okay yet.”

YOU can be a Pacer… even if you have been a Chaser or Spacer up until now!

Pacing in Action

Being a Pacer looks like this:

• You invite, then step back with confidence.

• You respond, not react.

• You offer connection without needing to force it.

You create safe space, not pressure or distance, and that space becomes the soil where reconnection can grow.

A Simple Metaphor: The Garden Path

Think of your relationship like a garden path.

• The Chaser floods the path with too much water, hoping for faster growth — and drowns the roots.

• The Spacer avoids tending it at all — and weeds take over.

• The Pacer shows up consistently, tends the soil gently, and lets the growth unfold.

Relationships don’t grow through force. They grow through consistent, wise care.

You Can Shift the Pattern — Even Alone

You don’t need both people to start changing the pattern. One person stepping into the Pacer role can shift the entire dynamic. When the chasing stops, the spacing often does too.

You’re not stuck.
You’re not powerless.
You have options — and you can lead the change.

Want Help Becoming a Pacer?

If you recognize this dynamic in your relationship, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to stay caught in it.

That’s why I created a simple, actionable guide:

🧭 The Chaser, Spacer, or Pacer Workbook
Learn to recognize your role, reset your approach, and rebuild healthy connection — even if you’re working alone.

👉 Download the Workbook Here

It had been tense, sure. And yes, they were not “clicking” like they once did. But, it was just a phase… right?

After that much disconnection, you’d think the way back is to find connection (and that would be accurate).

But for many couples, that isn’t the next step. For many, the next step is exactly what happened here. One spouse said to the other, “I need space.”

That is what led to us talking – a hurt and surprised spouse trying to find a way back, and me. Many times, I find myself only talking with half of a couple. Mostly because I have a rule that I only coach people who are ready to move forward. If that is both people, great. If that is only one person, great! Either way, there is lots of work to do.

And that was true here.

We had a first order of business, when my client asked, “What does that even mean, ‘I need space’?” Many people assume that it means zero contact. And here is the problem with that:  a disconnected relationship rarely benefits from further disconnection.

To be fair, when I speak with the “I need space” half of the marriage, that person is also unsure of what it means and what they are asking for. They just know that things are painful, and they are trying to get away from the pain.

If you find your hand resting on a hot pan, the way to stop the pain is to pull it away. So, that makes sense! We humans generally have a natural tendency to move away from pain and discomfort.

But this is usually a short-term attempt to solve a long-term problem. We work, though, with the tools we have. If you have a hammer, everything is a nail, right? So you use the resources you know. If a relationship is painful, pulling away is the common solution.

When a spouse asks for space, the next move matters for the outcome. And most people take two different, nearly opposite, actions. There are those who here that as an absolute – that zero contact position. And others, from the very same place of fear, end up crowding their spouse. “I need space” is met with a desperate attempt to win them over by getting closer, by arguing, by shaming, by begging. No contact or too much contact, neither are optimal reactions.

Your spouse asks for space, perhaps not really understanding what that is, or what it means. Just a way to feel better.

And you, not knowing how to honor space (or even what that is), might either push away or pull close.

So, what IS “space”?

Generally, when someone asks for space, they are looking for a breather from painful emotional interactions. For many couples, they are both aware of the troubles in the relationship, and that has charged every interaction. Which generally does not go well (since you aren’t really even sure of what is happening here). Those emotionally charged interactions are emotionally exhausting for both – if not painful and hurtful. 

Asking for space is looking for some emotional distance, so as not to keep having the same fruitless, hurtful conversations. In some ways, it is an attempt to find a bit of peace.

Other times, it comes from one feeling like they have repeatedly tried to solve the disconnection, on their own. They feel rebuffed, turned back at attempts to pull close. And so, in what feels like an attempt at self-protection, they ask for space – really an attempt to give themselves permission to stop the actions that are making them feel rejected.

The problem is, most couples have established a safe distance between them. It varies from couple to couple. But somewhere along the way, both fall into a pattern of safe distance (whether it is closer or further away). And in general, this includes a role of pursuing and distancing. The pursuer, feeling the rejection, finally calls it quits. Which shifts that distance… so much so that the distancer often becomes the pursuer. And the pursuer is now the distancer – who then asks for space. 

Most of the time, a request for “space” is a clear indication of an imbalance in the relationship. The request is an attempt to restore the balance… even if the balance isn’t healthy for the relationship.

“Space” mistakes!

Which brings us to a big mistake when someone asks for space. You give them space. But not in the way that is needed!

You step back and break all contact. That is one mistake. But there is another.

Let’s divide space into two arenas: physical and emotional. And let’s take it one step further: most of the time, the request is for emotional space. If that doesn’t happen, the next request is for physical space. Have I confused you yet? Let’s just look at the two big mistakes: give less space or give too much space.

When someone asks for space, they usually are wanting some emotional space. And instead of getting that, you fill the emotional space with your fear. You try to pull them closer while they are wanting to push away emotionally. And that can lead to a request for more space – which is when it often becomes about physical space, as in separation and even divorce.

The other end is when someone asks for space and you step away entirely. No contact, no physical proximity, no communication, no connection. Now, the disconnection that is the root of the problem has been enlarged. Further disconnection that does nothing to heal.

The end result of both mistakes? An acceleration in the space needed… and in the disconnection that causes.

The relationship crisis suddenly accelerates.

Let’s clarify the issue of space.

“Space,” at least initially, is usually really about getting a little emotional space in the relationship. Many times, at this point, the issue is solvable and the relationship is salvageable. Remember, the person did not ask to end the relationship. Your spouse asked for some space.

Over the years, I have watched this request play out right in front of me. One person says, “I need some space,” and the other says, “So you are breaking up with me and it’s over!” The “spacer” often tries to clarify, not realizing that they are speaking to fear. And fear rarely hears well and rarely responds well. Not only that, but the one asking for space is feeling fear, too! After all, nobody wants to cause a problem, make a scene, and make things difficult.

So, how DO you give space??

Let’s first make it clear that “giving space” does not mean breaking all connection. It is usually (at least at first) more about emotional space. You know those long talks that are attempts to “make things better,” but really only make things worse?

That is the first thing you need to stop.

I often refer to these as THE Relationship Talk. You know that talk? The one where you have rehearsed all the reasons in your head, why things can get better and should get better? You start sharing, and you find yourself in a tug-of-war with your spouse, who has also got a script going in their head… about why things are bad and how you might not be able to recover. Two scripts, going in opposite directions. 

Really, any big relationship talks need to be set aside. When the marriage is this stressed, it just can’t hold that level of communication.

So, no big relationship talks… unless your spouse initiates. Then, you need to listen, be empathic, and perhaps simply share that you still have hope. Not reasoning why, but expressing hope. And making sure your spouse feels heard.

That is probably the biggest way to give space:  by not encroaching on your spouse’s emotional space, pushing for more.

Why will you crowd? Because people get anxious when someone close pulls away. When we get anxious, we want to find a way to calm the anxiety.

And by the way, that means one big thing has to happen:  you have to manage your anxiety. Because that anxiety is what will pull you back in. It is not up to your spouse to deal with your anxiety. That is up to you. Always.

Resist chasing and resist avoiding. The middle ground of being present, but not emotionally crowding, is the recipe for minding space and keeping it from becoming about even more space.

And – this is important – ask your spouse what space looks like, to your spouse. Let your spouse give you some clarity for the request.

If you need more help with “I need space,” I have extra advanced trainings (audio)  for the supporting subscribers:
** Emotional versus Physical Space
** Balancing Space and Connection
** Space and Your Anxiety

If you are a supporting subscriber, the audio trainings are available below. If not, please consider becoming one, so we can continue this important work. You are a marriage saver, so let’s join together and get there!

Subscribe now

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(Would you rather listen to this article? Happy to read it to you. Just hit the Play button above.)

The other day, this guy emails me for some help. He sent me about 30 links to articles about how to save a marriage. He wanted me to go through them, and tell him which ones he should do (!).

First, I told him I was not really his researcher, and second, I applauded him for actually wondering if everything he found might be useful.

I’m sure you have seen plenty of things on the internet that you knew were false. Some of it might even be dangerous. You know there are scams everywhere out there. You know there are fake headlines and false stories.

So, you probably do what most people do when looking at things from the internet — they take them with a grain of salt! Maybe even a sprinkle!

And yet, in my (many) years of working with people, mostly internet-based, I have seen lots of people go down some pretty useless (and often destructive) rabbit holes as they tried to find a way to turn things around in their marriage.

Don’t be that person!

Who is that person? They do a search like, “how to save my marriage,” see the links, and start pulling out little things from each one. They are choosing an action here, picking an action there, mixing them together, and hoping for something good.

That is not likely to happen.

Let’s say you decide to cook a little something in your kitchen. You aren’t sure what. But something. So, you start grabbing this and that, regardless of taste profile, and you just start mixing.

You aren’t sure what it is, but everything in it is edible, so what could go wrong??

LOTS! First, some things react with others. Second, some tastes just do not go with others. Third, proportions matter. And fourth, you never even had a clear plan on what you were doing. Yes, you were cooking. But what were you cooking?

That is the same problem I see with many people. They did a search (kind of like deciding to cook), and they never looked to see if things fit together. They just started mixing things in.

And then, they are surprised when things don’t get better (and they often get worse!).

Then, there are other people. They do the search. They even find some ideas they study and like… and then they… do nothing.

Don’t be that person!

I have a friend who says they have thousands of recipes in their Pinterest account.

Thousands!

But they never cook. Ever!

They have a very well-stocked kitchen with plenty of gadgets. They shop for some pretty nice ingredients. And they have the recipes. But they never cook. Ever!

All the prep, all the research… no action.

Trying to everything, that won’t work. But doing nothing, that won’t work either!

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode, I talked about mistakes people make in getting help for their marriage. One that I discussed is “doing nothing.” People know their marriage is in trouble, but they fail to take any action to change things. (I don’t think that is you, since you are here.)

I discussed this as an “unforced error” in my VIP training this week. Why “unforced”? Because we always have a choice of taking some action. And therefore, doing nothing is also a choice.

So, what DO you do??

Take away time!

You (drum roll, please!) take action.

Concerted effort, in the right direction, with clarity on your goal.

My Save The Marriage System is based on saving your marriage with the 3 C’s of Connecting with your spouse, Changing yourself, and Creating a new path for your marriage. My suggestion is, you look to make sure any advice you see, hear, or read, fits into that approach. If not, it is likely either ineffective or counter-productive.

In a coming article, I will share the 5 C’s of carrying out that process.

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Did you hit PAUSE on your marriage?

There was a point in my career when any couple who wanted to get married in five local churches had to pass through my office for three sessions on the way to the altar. In those three sessions, I was supposed to make sure they were as ready as possible to be married.

Marriage is an important – many argue the most important – relationship in adult life. People pledge to spend the rest of their lives together “till death do us part.” Yet nearly half of marriages in the United States end in divorce. And each following attempt to find the “right person” has a declining rate of success.

A very important relationship of adulthood and it has close to a coin-toss of a chance of survival. Why?

Let’s go back to those couples coming into my office. Interestingly, not a single couple thought they would fall to the fail side of that coin toss. Every couple thought they had already beat the odds before they even said, “I do.”

There was one simple reason for this: they believed they possessed the love, the attraction, and the connection that would weather life. They thought they had discovered “true love,” while others had obviously failed in their quest.

And they were not wrong. They did have love. They did have connection. They were attracted to each other. But having spent 18 years as a therapist at that one location, I knew that many of those same marriages did not survive. Try as I might, I was not able to prepare them for a lifetime journey in three simple sessions. It broke my heart to watch, and I know their hearts were broken, too.

What happened? 

It happened to “Linda,” who told me that she knew she had found her soulmate – and then it fell apart. She said, “We were so in love, so in sync. I thought we would grow old together, support each other, and stay in love. I was wrong.”

It happened to “John,” too, who told me, “It was so good in the beginning! I knew we were going to be okay, to make it through. I didn’t think there was anything that could get in the way. We would have great careers, great kids, a great life, and love would conquer all. I was wrong.”

As I noted earlier, I never met a couple who intended on heartbreak and divorce. They never intended to be struggling and disconnected. There was no malice, no intent.

And yet… that is the outcome nearly half the time.

What happened? And more importantly, can it be prevented? Can it be fixed?

If couples get married, deeply in love and connected, and there is no malice, there has to be some reason why marriages find themselves in such deep trouble and pain that they decide to end it, thinking divorce is the only solution to stop the hurt.

To be clear, divorce is not without hurt and pain. In fact, a recent study on mortality risk factors found that a history of divorce was the second highest mortality risk factor – only behind smoking in risk factoring for mortality.

The damage to the relationship starts benignly enough… in a way that many couples fall prey. In fact, to some degree, nearly all marriages fall into this trap, unknowingly and accidentally. Not half, but nearly all. It is not based in maliciousness or a lack of love.

It is far more subtle and accidental.

I call it the Pause Button Marriage. Couples hit Pause on their own relationship, to attend to other things. They reason that they will place their relationship “on hold,” take care of other things, then get back to their marriage down the road… when things “get back to normal.” Except that those reasons for pausing are partof normal. The reasons people hit pause is part of life. It’s not a temporary moment, a short abnormal pattern. It is two people living their normal adult lives. It just seems to be a disruption to the flow of marriage. Instead, it is just the flow of life.

Which causes a problem for the marriage.

People don’t know that marriages cannot be paused. They are either progressing or declining. They are either growing or receding. They can’t be placed in suspended animation. If you hit pause, your marriage recedes and declines for a specific reason.

The lifeblood of a relationship is connection. Feeling connected is what keeps us close. A relationship grows with more connection. When that lifeblood of connection is circulating, your relationship is nourished. But a relationship starves when connection is restricted.

Let’s stick with that circulation idea for a minute. Let’s say you wrap a belt around your arm and tighten it. If you cut down circulation to your hand, it will lose strength. The muscles don’t get the oxygen they need to operate. So, they are working in a weakened state. If you cut off circulation, your hand will go to sleep. Think about when you sleep on your arm wrong and you wake up with a numb, non-working hand. But since you don’t keep it closed off for long, it tingles as it comes back to life. Uncomfortable, but not horrible.

But put a tourniquet on your arm and keep it there. You are pausing the blood circulating to the hand. First, the hand goes numb. Then the hand starts to die, choked off from the lifeblood it needs. Restore circulation soon enough, and you may save the hand. But wait too long, and nothing can be done to save it. The only difference between hurting and dying is a matter of time and restriction. The longer the time and the tighter the restriction, the more the hand is at risk.

Many people treat their marriage more like I treat my laptop.

If I am not using it, I shut the lid of the laptop. The computer suspends activity, keeping things just as they were (if all works right) until I need the computer again. Then, I open the lid and jump right back to where I was (less just a little battery life).

In other words, many people treat their marriage as something they can attend to when they want to and have time, and then suspend it when busy. That is what the Pause Button Marriage is about.

Years ago, I was a young therapist and not married long. An older couple came into my office. Their kids had all left for their own lives, their careers were successful, and their lives had been full of activity. One day, sitting on the back deck with glasses of wine in hand, they looked at each other and both had the same thought, “Who are you?” Both had all along thought they would do their thing and come back to the marriage when life had been tended to.  They hit the Pause Button.

But there they sat, on their back porch, staring out at all they had accomplished. With wine glasses in hand, they realized they had little to nothing to say to each other (other than updating each other on their schedules and commenting on the kids). Neither knew what the other really was thinking or believing. They were intimate strangers. Lost to each other, only connected by their intermingled life.

The path back is all about UN-pausing your marriage. But along the way, you do have to deal with the issues that come from that long pause. This is so important that I am working on a webinar for how to unpause your marriage. When it is ready, I’ll let you know!

But what if you DID hit Pause??

If you find that you DID hit pause, it is not too late to turn things around, to UN-pause and start moving forward. There are a couple of resources I would recommend.

First is my Save The Marriage System, designed to help you navigate and fix the core issue that has your marriage stuck. GO HERE to grab it.

Second is a special workbook I have created, When They’re Not Trying, to help you navigate when a spouse is just not ready to work on things. GO HERE to grab it.