5 Big Hot Conflict Points That Can Destroy A Marriage
5 Big Hot Conflict Points That Can Destroy A Marriage
Let’s talk about some major points of conflict in marriage. In this resource, I’ll tell you what they are, why they are an issue, and how it becomes a problem. As a bonus for supporters, I’ll give you some points on how to move beyond these conflict points.
Research shows there are five big topics that draw the most conflict in marriages. So, this isn’t just my observation.
These topics lead to division and hurt, primarily because they are around such personal issues, and secondarily because couples struggle to find resolution.
That is a pretty powerful dynamic in any relationship: they are both personal and intractable.
In a matter of just a few sessions, I have seen couples veer into all five topics. And sometimes in the course of a single session. In spite of my attempts to re-route, they would often just go from conflict point to conflict point, running through well-trodden and entrenched arguments.
When asked about why they divorced, many couples list one or more of these topics as the primary reason they could not get along.
Here are the five conflict areas:
Money
Children
In-Laws
Religion
Sex
One clearly evident thing from seeing those five topics is how much of married life they entail. So, you may say, “Of course those are the topics! What’s left?”
Let’s go the opposite way, though. Is there a common theme that moves through those topics? Since they are so central to married life, does conflict show up around them because of the way people do marriage, understand marriage, and move through marriage?
I probably tipped my hand there.
Yes, there is something central. In fact, these topics — at least disagreements around them — are actually symptoms of an underlying issue in marriage.
Sure, you are going to have some struggles in each of these areas, in most any marriage. You are unlikely to have completely identical viewpoints on every one of those topics. So finding a workable path through those areas takes some discussion, understanding, and negotiation.
But when they become intractable points of conflict, that is a very different thing. You are no longer working on understanding, negotiating, and finding a path. Usually, at that point, people are defending their position (and likely attacking a spouse’s position). And that is when it becomes both personal and intractable.
One important point to make here: the first area and last area, the bookends of the list, are the top two reasons people state they are divorcing. They say the conflicts in these two areas (money and sex) are intractable and irretrievable. I don’t think it is true, and I think you will agree if you stick with me to the end.
Let’s look at each of the conflict points.
MONEY
Yep, this is the number one topic that couples report as their reason for divorce. And it isn’t whether they have money or not. It isn’t about wealth (or lack of) that is reported as a conflict point.
So, what is?
What they do with money. How they treat money, and how they see money in their marriage. How they decide what to do with money.
But why does money evoke such powerful dynamics?
Money is a deeply symbolic issue in our lives. We all grow up with certain models of money that often create a certain relationship with money in our lives. And that relationship with money is taken into the marriage relationship. It isn’t a question of if you take your assumption about money into your marriage. You do. It is more about how you deal with it as a couple, since each of you have a different model of money.
The family in which you were born was also dealing with money and what it symbolized. For some, it symbolizes power. For others, it symbolizes freedom. For others, it symbolizes security. And for others, it symbolizes insecurity, fear, even scarcity.
Those symbols (and the lessons around them) are invisibly passed on, from parent/caregiver to child. It happens in the discussions, in the tensions, and in the decisions of the family. They become deeply embedded. Sometimes, they are so deeply embedded that you don’t even see them… until it becomes evident because of the differences between you and your spouse. (At that point, you may view it through the lens of “I’m right/You’re wrong.”)
In marriages, you have to deal with the issue of resources (money) to make it through life. How do you spend money? How do you save money? What are the priorities? What are the practicalities? How is decision-making shared (or not shared) around money?
When these remain unresolved, the patterns become more deeply entrenched. Which leads to deepening hurt. Which leads to deepening disconnection. And more often than not, decisions around money (which are already problematic) suffer.
And since money infiltrates pretty much every area of life in one way or another, that is why conflicts around money rank as the #1 cause of divorces. Except, it isn’t really about the money.
CHILDREN
Believe it or not, children are not all hugs and kisses! (If you have a child, you already knew this, probably within a few days of having that child!) Many people have expectations about what being a parent is like… and most of those expectations don’t last long.
But does that mean kids are necessarily going to stress and hurt a marriage? Well, not necessarily.
It really isn’t the child(ren) that cause the stress on the marriage. It is just one more possible stressor, one more space for struggle.
Many people think they should be “on the same page” with parenting, but find they aren’t even in the same chapter (or even the same book)! How does that happen?
Assumptions, for one thing.
Most couples don’t even know the questions to ask each other, as they contemplate parenthood. They can’t even envision the struggles and difficulties that come with being responsible for a life (especially one that starts so vulnerably as a child). So, that unfolds, over time, in new and different ways at every stage of a child’s life.
But let’s start at the beginning.
When I saw couples for pre-marital counseling, I always asked about their wishes for children — if, when, how many? A few times, I was broaching a discussion they had not yet had. Sometimes, I was stepping into a point of disagreement between them.
In a few cases, one was all-in for kids, while the other was not at all interested in a child. In those cases, I recommended they postpone the marriage until they had either worked through and resolved that, or realized it was unresolvable. The problem with having a child (or not) is there is no compromise. You either have (or try to have) a child or you do not. You can’t half-have a kid. And you can’t appoint one as the parent, and the other, not.
Sometimes, people have children over the objections of a spouse. That is a set-up for resentment, frustration, and conflict.
Of course, there is certainly the issue of choices versus reality. You might want a child, and can’t have one. You may not want children, but accidentally find you are parenting, anyway. Your choice does not always survive reality.
But let’s say that you do make it through that round of issues. How will you parent? Sure, you might have a theoretical discussion about that before that kid comes. But how does that play out when “it gets real”? This is another source of conflict. We often have a view of how we want to parent. When real life steps in, the question is how closely we stick to it. And how it unveils the differences between two people on how parenting should happen.
Sometimes, there is disagreement on even the big ideas. But many times, couples agree on an over-arching philosophy of parenting. Then, it is more in the messy details, when emotions are high and resources are low, that reveal true parenting styles.
Does that mean this has to be a hot topic point of conflict? Nope. But it often is. For a couple of reasons I’ll tell you about when we start doing some problem-solving in a bit… for those who stick around. But let me just say that, more often than not, this is a symptom of the issue. Not the issue.
IN-LAWS
Yep, I know all the in-law jokes. But this isn’t much a point of comedy. It is the undermining of the marriage. Unnecessarily, I might add.
So, why are the in-laws a point of conflict?
You may have “beef” with your own family. That’s all well and good. But you might not like it much if someone else shares their thoughts (well, criticisms) of your own family. Especially when that person is your partner.
One of the things I often urge pre-marital couples to understand and accept is this: your spouse’s family is now your family, and your family is now your spouse’s. You join each other’s family when you say, “I do.” If you miss that, it is way too easy to slip into being harsh and critical, to seeing your in-laws as a threat.
There are certainly patterns in every family that feel foreign, even wrong, to an outsider. Which is the first hurdle: accepting that every family has patterns. And they make sense, in some way, to the family, from the inside. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be there.
I remember having a discussion with a person who could not stand their in-laws. And there were some understandable reasons why. The spouse had struggles along the way, created by those patterns in the family. And my client could see the pain in their spouse — some of which had continued. So, my client was a bit surprised that the spouse would quickly defend and protect that family, given the hurt caused during childhood.
I suggested that the spouse was well aware of the pain, and had no need for it to be pointed out. But there was another angle. This client deeply loved their spouse, was even amazed by them. I noted that the spouse’s family was, in part, the alchemy that had created that wonderful person.
And I suggested that judgment of the family was doing little to further the connection between my client and the spouse. I further suggested it was possible to stand in support of a spouse, without having to attack the in-laws.
The struggle about in-laws rarely has a winner. It puts a spouse in the middle, stuck between important relationships. To repeat what I earlier said, when you marry, you join your spouse’s family. Standing with a spouse is far more helpful than standing against the in-laws. (We will discuss how to approach this in the bonus section below.)
RELIGION
If you are familiar with my ideas and approach to connection, you know that I often reference spiritual connection as one of three ways we connect. But that same potential for connection can become a strain, when the topic is religion and religious beliefs.
I think it is pretty evident that religious beliefs are deeply held and protected by most people. Not many things can stir faster disagreement, defensiveness, and attacks, than religion… and disagreements about religious beliefs. Countries go to war, communities divide, and couples disconnect, over religion.
Beliefs help us to answer the big questions of life. They also shape our celebrations and daily life. And they can form our communities, friend groups, and social activities.
For many couples, their religious life was even how they got together. And for others, it is at least a common link.
But for other couples, there are differences in religion or in devotion. Perhaps they didn’t think much about that in the early days of their relationship, but those differences often show up in other phases of life (children, in particular, can shine a light on those differences).
And still other couples find that over the years, their viewpoints, beliefs, and devotion, have changed, often putting them out of sync with each other.
Yet those beliefs are closely held, even if they have changed over the years, and even if the differences didn’t seem to matter at earlier stages of their relationship.
SEX
Sex is the last of the top five battlegrounds in marriage. It is often reported as one of the driving forces in filing for divorce. Why?
Sex is, like religion, a deeply personal area of life. We don’t tend to, on a regular basis, talk in any real detail about our sex lives. Sure, there are plenty of jokes and innuendo. But not much real discussions.
And our sexual selves are often points of insecurity and self-doubt. Which leads to a multitude of questions: What is normal? What are others doing? How often? How?
Many couples have come to me, reporting they are “sexually incompatible,” but struggle to discuss what that really means. More often than not, it is a variation on those questions. Their concerns center around how often they are having sex, how they are doing it, and what happens when they are not quite at the same place, at the same time.
That deeply personal sexual self is keenly aware of feeling rejected, discounted, avoided, or shamed. And we then carry around the hurts and scars from those moments of feeling rejected, discounted, avoided, or shamed. Which then impacts how we think about the sexual connection with a spouse.
Since most people have insecurities about our sexual selves (many covering that up with false bravado that usually only adds to a partner’s insecurities), it can be difficult to find resolutions to sexual disagreements in marriage.
Which means that they most likely to emerge at moments that are least likely to lead to resolutions. For example, when one is feeling rejected or the other is feeling pressured.
Those hurts, when unresolved, only grow and fester, infecting the sexual relationship even further.
And yet, in most people’s mind, sex is a part of married life. Which leads to only further frustration, hurt, and conflict.
Which is why it stays near the top of the list of hot topics.
Those are the five hot topics, as noted by research and my own observations, that lead to the disconnection and hurt in marriages. Sure, there are others. But these topics tend to get the bulk of the energy in disagreements.
More than that, they also represent five areas that are difficult to resolve for many couples. This is mainly due to the fact that these five areas are interrelated in a way that couples often miss.
If you are interested, I have a bonus section below for how you can understand and work through these five hot topics. If your marriage is stuck on any of these topics, you will want to know how to more easily resolve them (and avoid many others).
The Connection Compass is a reader-supported publication. To receive bonus training, access other tools, and support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. The bonus material for addressing the 5 Hot Topics is below for supporting subscribers.