They sit on opposite ends of my couch, bodies angled away from each other, arms crossed. The air between them is thick with hurt and anger.
She wants me to know what he did. He wants me to understand why he had no choice. Both are looking for validation, for someone to confirm that they’re the injured party, that their spouse is the problem.
They’re wrapped in pain, and that pain is looking for a target.
This is how most couples show up for therapy. And honestly? It makes complete sense. When you’re hurting, you want to understand why. You want someone to blame. You want the problem to be clear and fixable… preferably by your spouse changing their behavior.
The victim/villain narrative is seductive. It’s psychologically safer than the alternative. It protects you from having to examine your own contribution to the mess you’re in.
But here’s what I’ve learned over 25 years of working with couples in crisis:
You can be right, or you can be married.
You can focus on who’s to blame, or you can focus on solving the actual problem.
One keeps you stuck in crisis management. The other opens the door to genuine transformation.
The Seductive Comfort of Blame
Let’s be honest about why blame is so appealing.
It’s simple. If the problem is what your spouse did — their affair, their angry outburst, their neglect — then the solution is clear: they need to change. No complicated systems thinking required. No uncomfortable self-examination necessary.
It protects your self-image. As long as you’re the victim, you don’t have to face your own failures, your own contributions to the disconnection, your own ways of damaging the relationship. You get to maintain your sense of being the “good one.”
It feels righteous. There’s a certain satisfaction in being wronged. Your hurt becomes evidence of your spouse’s badness. Your anger feels justified. You occupy the moral high ground.
It keeps you safe from vulnerability. If you stay focused on what they did wrong, you don’t have to risk being open about your own fears, needs, and wounds. You don’t have to acknowledge the ways you’re scared or hurting underneath the anger.
It gives you an external target for your pain. Pain is uncomfortable. We want to understand it, locate it, direct it somewhere. “I feel terrible because my spouse did this terrible thing” is easier than “I feel terrible because we’ve lost connection and I don’t know how to get it back.”
I get it. I really do. When you’re in pain, blame is the natural human response.
But here’s the problem: Blame keeps you focused on the active failure instead of the latent conditions.
Revisiting Active Failures and Latent Conditions
In the first article of this series, I introduced the framework of active failures versus latent conditions:
Active failures are the crisis events themselves. The explosive fight, the affair, the cruel comment, the threat to leave. They’re visible, immediate, and cause obvious pain.
Latent conditions are the underlying systemic issues (primarily disconnection) that made those active failures likely or even inevitable. They are the holes in your marriage’s protective layers that allowed the crisis to pass through.
When couples focus on blame, they’re fixating on the active failure. Who did what. Who’s more wrong. Who needs to change.
But the active failure is a symptom. The latent conditions are the disease.
And you can’t heal the disease by only treating the symptom. Ever!
The Uncomfortable Truth About Responsibility
Here’s where this gets tricky… and where I need you to really hear me:
The active failure might be clearly one person’s doing. But the latent conditions are almost always co-created.
Let me break this down because it’s crucial:
If one spouse has an affair, that’s an active failure. That person made a choice. They’re responsible for that choice. The betrayed spouse didn’t “make” them cheat.
But the disconnection that created vulnerability to that affair? The emotional distance, the lack of intimacy, the patterns of conflict or avoidance, the failure to prioritize the marriage? Both people contributed to that over time, even if unequally.
If one spouse has an explosive angry outburst, that’s an active failure. That person needs to take responsibility for their behavior and the harm it caused.
But the underlying patterns that led to that moment — the accumulated resentments, the feeling of not being heard, the habits of escalation — those were built by both people over time.
This is NOT about making excuses for harmful behavior. The person who had the affair is responsible for having the affair. The person who yelled and threw things is responsible for yelling and throwing things. And there can be consequences to behavior.
But if you want to prevent the next crisis… if you want to actually solve the problem rather than just managing symptoms… you have to look at the system that made that active failure possible.
And both people contributed to building that system.
“But My Mistake Was Just a Reaction to Theirs”
This is where couples get stuck in an endless loop.
He says something harsh. She withdraws. He pursues more aggressively. She shuts down completely. He explodes in frustration.
Then in therapy:
He says: “I only got frustrated because she completely shut down on me.”
She says: “I only shut down because he was being harsh and aggressive.”
He says: “I was only harsh because she’d been withdrawn for days.”
She says: “I was only withdrawn because he criticized me last week.”
Each person sees their active failure as justified, as a reasonable reaction to what the other person did. And technically, they’re both right. Each behavior did follow the other.
But this is exactly the dynamic that keeps them stuck.
They are both reacting to disconnection, not just to each other.
He’s harsh because he feels rejected and doesn’t know how else to express that hurt. She withdraws because she feels criticized and doesn’t know how else to protect herself. Both are operating from fear and pain, trying to get their needs met in ways that push the other person further away.
The active failures (the harshness, the withdrawal, the explosion) are symptoms of a system that’s broken. And that system was built by both of them, even if they each see themselves as just reacting to the other.
The Question That Changes Everything
So after I’ve listened to both sides — after I’ve acknowledged the hurt, validated the pain, let each person feel heard — I usually say something like this:
“I understand what happened. I can see how much pain you’re both in. And now you have a choice about what we do with that.
We can stay focused on the specifics of this incident. We can analyze who said what, who was more wrong, what should have happened differently. We can try to determine who’s the victim and who’s the villain.
Or we can go deeper. We can work to eliminate the reason this actually happened, has already happened, and will continue to happen if we don’t address it.
One approach is really about blame. The other is about solving.
Which do you want?”
This is the fork in the road. And honestly? Not every couple is ready to take the solving path.
When You’re Not Ready to Stop Blaming
Some couples aren’t ready to let go of the victim/villain narrative. They are still too wrapped up in their hurt. They still need their spouse to be wrong so they can be right.
I can usually tell within the first few sessions. They keep pulling the conversation back to the incident. They want me to referee. They want me to declare who was more at fault. They subtly (or not so subtly) try to get me to side with them against their spouse.
When I try to shift the conversation to patterns, to disconnection, to the system they’ve both created, one or both resist:
“But you don’t understand what he did...” “I need her to acknowledge how much she hurt me first...” “I can’t work on ‘us’ when he won’t even admit what he did wrong...”
The blame is still serving a psychological function. It’s protecting them from something scarier: the reality that their marriage is broken and they both contributed to breaking it, even if unequally.
And here’s what I’ve learned: You can’t force someone to be ready for systems work.
Sometimes people need to stay in the blame stage for a while. Sometimes the pain of staying stuck eventually exceeds the comfort of the familiar narrative, and they become ready to do deeper work.
But sometimes they’re not willing or able to make that shift. And those marriages often don’t make it.
What Makes Someone Ready for the Shift
The couples who can move from blaming to solving share certain qualities:
They’re exhausted from the cycle. They’ve had the same fight enough times, maybe about different topics, but the same underlying dynamic, that they’re genuinely tired of it. The pain of staying stuck has become greater than the comfort of blame.
They’re willing to be curious. Instead of being certain they know exactly what the problem is (their spouse), they’re willing to ask “What’s really happening here? What are we missing?”
They can tolerate discomfort. Looking at your own contribution to the mess is uncomfortable. Acknowledging that you’ve hurt your spouse, even unintentionally, is hard. Being vulnerable about your own fears and needs requires courage.
They have some hope. Not necessarily confidence that things will improve, but at least a willingness to consider that change might be possible. They’re not completely resigned to failure.
They can use “WE” language. Even if tentatively, they can occasionally shift from “my spouse’s problem” to “our problem.” From “what you’re doing to me” to “what’s happening between us.”
When I see these signs, I know we can do real work. We can move from crisis management to genuine transformation.
The Systemic Reframe
Here’s what the shift from blaming to solving looks like in practice:
Old frame: “My spouse had an affair because they’re selfish and weak.”
Systemic reframe: “My spouse made a terrible choice that caused enormous harm. AND we had become disconnected in ways that created vulnerability. Both truths matter if we want to rebuild.”
Old frame: “My spouse yells at me because they have anger problems.”
Systemic reframe: “My spouse is responsible for their behavior and the harm it causes. AND we’ve developed a pattern where both of us feel unheard and react in ways that escalate conflict. We need to address both.”
Old frame: “My spouse never initiates intimacy because they don’t care about me.”
Systemic reframe: “We’ve lost our physical connection, and there are reasons on both sides. What happened to our emotional intimacy? What makes it hard for either of us to be vulnerable and initiate?”
Old frame: “My spouse is always critical, so I’ve learned to just shut down.”
Systemic reframe: “We’ve developed a Chaser/Spacer pattern. One of us is trying to connect through criticism (which pushes the other away), and the other is trying to protect themselves through withdrawal (which escalates the pursuit). We’re both trying to meet legitimate needs in ways that don’t work.”
See the difference? The systemic reframe:
Holds people accountable for their actions (doesn’t excuse harmful behavior),
Acknowledges the pain and hurt caused,
But also sees the larger pattern and shared contributions,
Points toward the work that needs to happen together.
It’s not either/or. It’s both/and.
Your spouse did something that hurt you AND there’s a system that made it more likely. Both need to be addressed.
The Therapy Industry’s Referee Problem
I need to say something about how much of couples therapy operates — and why it often fails to move couples from blaming to solving.
Many therapists, consciously or not, end up playing referee. They manage the conflict in the room. They make sure each person feels heard. They help mediate disputes about who did what.
This isn’t necessarily bad therapy. Sometimes couples need help de-escalating. Sometimes one person needs their pain acknowledged before they can move forward.
But if therapy stays at that level… if it’s primarily about managing the active failures, refereeing the disputes, helping the couple “communicate better” about their disagreements… it never addresses the latent conditions.
The couple learns to fight more fairly. But they’re still fighting. They learn to express their hurt more constructively. But they’re still hurting. They learn techniques for managing conflict. But they’re still fundamentally disconnected.
Good therapy moves couples from blaming to solving. It helps them:
See the patterns, not just the incidents,
Understand the system they’ve created together,
Take responsibility for their contributions without losing sight of the harm caused by their spouse,
Do the deeper work of reconnection that actually transforms the relationship.
This requires a therapist who:
Understands systems thinking,
Can gently but firmly redirect couples away from blame loops,
Creates safety for vulnerability,
Addresses attachment wounds and emotional disconnection,
Focuses on second-order change, not just first-order behavior modification.
If you’re in therapy and it’s not helping, consider whether your therapist is helping you blame better or helping you solve the actual problem.
From Crisis Management to Transformation
Let me bring together all three articles in this series, because they form a complete framework for understanding and transforming a struggling marriage:
Article 1: Active Failures vs. Latent Conditions
The crisis you’re focused on (active failure) is a symptom,
The real problem is the underlying disconnection (latent conditions),
You need to address the system, not just the symptom.
Article 2: First-Order vs. Second-Order Change
Behavior modification (first-order change) doesn’t transform the system,
Systemic transformation (second-order change) naturally produces behavioral improvements,
Stop white-knuckling better behavior and do the deeper work of reconnection.
Article 3: Blame vs. Solving
Staying focused on blame keeps you stuck in crisis management,
Moving to solving requires acknowledging shared responsibility for the system (not equal blame for the crisis),
The shift from “fix my spouse” to “we have a system to repair together” is what makes transformation possible.
Put it all together and here’s what you get:
Instead of blaming your spouse for the active failure and demanding first-order behavior changes, do the second-order work of addressing the latent conditions together — which naturally reduces active failures without the exhaustion of constant crisis management.
That’s the path from stuck to transformed.
What This Requires From You
If you’re reading this and recognizing your marriage, here’s what the shift from blaming to solving requires:
Honesty. You have to be willing to look at your own contribution to the disconnection. Not equal blame. Your spouse might have done something far worse in the active failure, or you may have. So, this is shared responsibility for the system that made it possible.
Humility. You have to be willing to admit you don’t have it all figured out. That maybe the problem isn’t just what your spouse did, but something deeper about how you relate to each other.
Vulnerability. You have to be willing to share what you’re actually afraid of, what you actually need, what you’re actually feeling underneath the anger and hurt. This is scary.
Hope. You have to be willing to believe that change is possible. That you’re not doomed to repeat these patterns forever. That your marriage can be different.
Commitment. You have to be willing to do the work, not just demand that your spouse change. But to do your own work on yourself and your contribution to the marriage system.
This is harder than blaming. It’s slower. It’s less satisfying in the short term because you don’t get the righteous vindication of being the wronged party.
It is, however, the only path to genuine transformation.
The Tired of Blaming Threshold
There’s usually a moment — I call it the “tired of blaming” threshold — when one or both people hit a wall.
They’re exhausted from the cycle. They’re tired of being right. They’re weary of the familiar patterns. The pain of staying stuck has finally exceeded the comfort of blame.
And in that moment, they become genuinely curious: “What if there’s something we’re missing? What if we’re looking at this wrong? What if we both have work to do?”
That’s when real change becomes possible.
Not because they’ve figured everything out or stopped being hurt or forgiven everything. But because they’ve shifted from defending their position to understanding their system.
From being right to being married.
When Recovery Becomes Faster
Here’s what I see happen when couples make this shift:
They still make mistakes. They still have conflicts. The active failures don’t disappear completely.
But something fundamental has changed.
The mistakes are less frequent. Because they’re addressing the disconnection that created vulnerability to those mistakes. The latent conditions are improving, so there are fewer active failures.
The recovery is faster. Because they’re not stuck in blame loops trying to determine who was more wrong. They can acknowledge the mistake, address the hurt, and move back to connection relatively quickly.
The relationship becomes more resilient. Because they’ve strengthened those protective layers: the love, the communication, the emotional intimacy, the shared meaning. When stress comes or mistakes happen, the marriage can absorb it without breaking.
They feel hopeful instead of resigned. Because they’re actually solving problems instead of just managing crises. They’re building something together instead of defending themselves against each other.
This doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not a switch you flip. It’s a gradual transformation that comes from consistently choosing solving over blaming, second-order change over first-order fixes, addressing latent conditions over just managing active failures.
But it’s possible. I’ve seen it hundreds of times.
The Marriage That Chose Solving
I want to end with a couple I’ll call “David” and “Rachel.” They came to me after Rachel discovered David’s emotional affair. She was devastated. He was defensive. Both were locked in a cycle of her pursuing answers and him withdrawing in shame.
In our first sessions, Rachel wanted details. Who was it? How long? How far did it go? What did you tell her about me? She needed to know everything, needed to understand the full extent of the betrayal.
David alternated between apologizing profusely and defending himself. “It wasn’t physical.” “You had pulled away from me for months.” “I was lonely.” “I never meant for it to happen.”
We could have stayed there indefinitely. Rachel prosecuting, David defending, both stuck in the active failure.
But after several sessions, Rachel said something that changed everything: “I’m exhausted. I don’t want to keep going over what happened. I want to understand why it happened. I want to make sure it never happens again. And I think that means we need to look at what was broken between us before this ever started.”
David looked stunned. And then relieved. “I want that too. I’ve been so afraid to say it because it sounds like I’m making excuses. But we were disconnected long before I made this terrible choice. We both were.”
That was the turning point. They moved from blaming to solving.
Yes, David had to take full responsibility for his choice. Yes, Rachel’s pain needed to be acknowledged and addressed. The active failure was real and caused enormous harm.
But they also had to look at the latent conditions: the years of drifting apart, the loss of emotional intimacy, the patterns of her criticizing and him withdrawing, the way they’d stopped prioritizing their marriage, the accumulated resentments neither had addressed.
The work was hard. Rebuilding trust after betrayal is always hard. But because they were willing to look at the system, not just the incident, they were able to actually transform their marriage.
Three years later, Rachel told me: “The affair was the worst thing that ever happened to us and the best thing that ever happened to us. It broke us open in a way that let us finally address what was really wrong. We’re closer now than we’ve been in years… maybe ever.”
That’s what becomes possible when you choose solving over blaming.
Your Choice
So here’s where we end, with the same question I asked at the beginning:
Are you solving, or are you just blaming?
Are you focused on the active failure (the crisis event, who did what, who’s more wrong)? Or are you willing to look at the latent conditions that made that crisis possible?
Are you demanding first-order behavior changes from your spouse, or are you willing to do the second-order work of transforming the system together?
Are you protecting yourself with the victim/villain narrative, or are you willing to be vulnerable enough to acknowledge your own contribution to the disconnection?
One path keeps you stuck in crisis management, constantly reacting to the next version of the same problem, exhausted from trying to force changes that don’t last.
The other path leads to genuine transformation, addressing the root causes, rebuilding connection, creating a marriage that’s resilient enough to weather the inevitable storms.
The choice is yours.
But I’ll tell you this: After 25 years of doing this work, I’ve never seen a marriage truly transform through blame. Never.
I have, however, seen many transform through the courage to look at the system, take responsibility for what’s yours, do the deeper work of reconnection, and choose solving over being right.
Your marriage can be different. But it requires letting go of blame and choosing something harder… and infinitely more rewarding.
It requires choosing to actually solve the problem.
Dr. Lee H. Baucom is a marriage therapist with over 25 years of experience helping couples save and restore their relationships. He is the creator of the Save The Marriage System and author of How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps.
This is the final article in a three-part series. If you missed the previous articles: