Bid or Bait??
Is it connection… or an argument??
Have you ever been waiting for your spouse to take even a small step toward you… and they do… and you suddenly realize it was not anything but a hook? And suddenly, you are in the middle of an argument or disagreement… and you never saw it coming??
I think we have all had the experience of thinking something was about connection, but it was really about DIS-connection. And you didn’t even see it coming!
So, first, let’s look at two simple concepts that will help us lean into some further training (if interested).
A Bid
This term was coined by John Gottman, one of the researchers I respect. He has long studied couples to see what might determine whether they survive and thrive, or fail and fold in their marriage.
What he noticed is that people often send out “bids” for connecting with others. We do it all the time in life. Maybe you point something out to someone, so you can enjoy it together. It may even be as simple as a greeting or a note. The “bid” is an offer for a moment of connection, however small.
And for couples, where connection is so vital, how you handle bids, giving and taking, matters for the success of the relationship (or failure). Let’s say a spouse keeps making bids, and you keep ignoring them. Eventually, a spouse gives up. Or perhaps you don’t just ignore, but reject. A spouse may give up even faster.
But when bids are accepted, they lead to more bids (and more connection).
Sometimes, we are going to miss bids, since we might be busy. So really, over time, it matters what we do with a bid.
When a bid is made, do we “turn toward” our spouse, acknowledging the bid and sharing in it? Do we “turn away” from the bid, ignoring it and the spouse? Or do we “turn against” the bid, openly rejecting it and belittling the attempt?
Let’s say a spouse says, “Oh, look at that beautiful sunset!” You can say, “Wow, that is beautiful! Thank you for pointing it out” (or simply look and admire). That would be “turning toward.” Or you could just ignore the comment and keep on doing what you are doing. That would be turning away. Or you could say, “Why are you telling me that? Can’t you see I am busy with this?” That would be turning against.
The more often a couple turns towards each other’s bids, the more the connection grows. The other two (turning away or against) lead to hurt, disappointment, and disconnection.
The Bait
When we are trying to draw someone into conflict (consciously or subconsciously), we often put some bait out there. It might be a word or phrase, a look or gesture. In the end, the result is the same: conflict. And if you are particularly creative, it is possible to even make it look like you didn’t do anything… that the person was just looking to get into it.
Whether bait is tossed, aggressively or passive-aggressively, the intent is to get the other person to “bite” and engage in the conflict.
Most couples, over the years, know the best bait to use in order to elicit a response from their spouse. They know the weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and pick the best bait to get a rise from a spouse. And then, the hook is set.
With bait, you can either toss it or hold it. You can take it or leave it. It is always best to not throw the bait. And it is certainly best to not take the bait. After that, the conflict is unavoidable — and rarely productive.
Bid and Bait
Now, here is the problem: sometimes, it might look like a bid to you, but it is really bait. Or it might look like bait to you, and it was really a bid. Couples build habits over time, using shortcuts of understanding — assumptions — about what the other is doing/meaning.
They are not always accurate. And yet, couples find themselves falling into the same patterns and routines, over and over again.
Which is why many couples have the same fights, connect the same way, and end up at the same point… either for good or bad… over the years. A couple that does well with accepting bids continues to do that. A couple that consistently takes each other’s bait will continue to do that.
And if you don’t know the difference, you can keep falling for the same trap of assuming the bid is bait, or the bait is a bid.
What to Do
The first step in turning this process around (or continuing it, if you are taking each other’s bids) is to become aware. When do you see bids? Where do you see bait? Start noticing what has probably become an almost automatic process.
Next, work hard to respond well to bids. If you often ignore a spouse when there is a bid, turn toward it. And if you criticize the bid because you are “busy,” either ask for a second to finish it, or simple decide to turn toward. Those moments don’t take long, but do add up.
Next, look for times when you took the bait (or threw the bait) in the past. What did it look and feel like? What were the signs of the coming problem? Why did it confuse you as bid? What lured you into biting? Start looking for the toss, and decide to keep some distance from the bait (but not your spouse).
Need More?
I do have a special training on Bid or Bait, that I have available for supporting subscribers. It is an audio training that covers the whole process for you, in depth. It is available to supporting subscribers, because they have stepped up and said, “I support you, while you are supporting me.” I can’t do this work without your support, so I try to reward those who step up. Because I know that you will take action. And because I know that we are partnering together, not just for you, but for others who are doing the work of saving their marriages.
If you are a supporting subscriber, you will find the audio just below. If you aren’t, you can join now and have instant access.