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The Connection Compass
Change Rule #1: Accept What Is (Before You Can Change It)

Change Rule #1: Accept What Is (Before You Can Change It)

Acceptance isn’t surrender. It’s the starting point for transformation.

Lee H. Baucom, PhD's avatar
Lee H. Baucom, PhD
Jun 30, 2025
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The Connection Compass
The Connection Compass
Change Rule #1: Accept What Is (Before You Can Change It)
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Change is life. And if you are working on restoring a relationship, change is a must. There are some rules of change that can help you. Let’s talk about the first rule: Accept What Is.


“Acceptance is not approval. It’s not giving up. It’s just starting from where you really are.”

Imagine waking up in a strange place. You don’t know how you got there. The walls are unfamiliar, and the layout doesn’t make sense. You can’t see a map. You don’t have a guide. The one thing you know for sure? You don’t want to stay here.

But to leave, to move toward somewhere else, first, you have to admit where you are.

That’s the heart of Change Rule #1: Accept.

In all the years I’ve worked with individuals trying to save their marriage (often alone), I’ve seen this truth play out over and over: meaningful change always begins with a grounded acceptance of reality. Not fantasy. Not hope. Not denial. Reality.

What Acceptance Is Not

People often resist this idea because they confuse acceptance with approval. But acceptance isn’t saying “this is good.” It’s saying “this is true.”

If your spouse is distant, you don’t have to like it.
If the marriage is strained, you don’t have to approve of how it got here.

Trying to change a relationship without accepting its current state is like trying to leave a place you won’t admit you’re in. You can’t chart a new course if you refuse to drop the pin on the map.

And perhaps even more importantly, acceptance is not giving up! Many people think that if you accept things… you are accepting things are over. Instead, acceptance is really simply accepting that things are exactly as they are.

So, if you want to shift the dynamic, you have to start by saying: This is where we are.

Why Acceptance Unlocks Movement

When we resist reality, we often fall into two traps:

  1. Wishful Thinking – “If I just do this one thing, maybe it will magically go back to how it was.”

  2. Despair – “Nothing can change because it shouldn’t be this way in the first place.”

But when you say, “Okay, this is how it is right now,” you regain your power. Because now, you can choose your response.

You shift from reacting to the “unfairness” to responding to what’s real.

Acceptance Isn’t the End — It’s the Opening

Many people fear that if they accept the state of their marriage, it means they’re resigning to it. That they’ve somehow agreed to stay stuck.

But acceptance isn’t the end of the story. It’s just the end of denial. And once denial is out of the way, change becomes possible.

Think of it like a clogged drain. Denial is the blockage. You can’t make progress until you clear it. Once you do, even a little, you restore flow. The system can breathe again. So can you.

In the training, I talk about how people often make one of two critical missteps:

  • They try to fix what isn’t actually the problem, because they won’t accept what the real issue is.

  • They try to fix the other person, because it feels easier than accepting what they’re feeling or fearing inside themselves.

Neither works.

When someone says, “I’ll accept this once it changes,” they’re locking the door from the inside and tossing the key into a fantasy.

You Can Accept Reality and Still Choose Growth

Acceptance does not erase your hopes.
It does not cancel your efforts.
It simply anchors you in truth so you can act from clarity.

One of the turning points for many of my clients is when they stop resisting their current emotional state. They say, “Yes, I’m hurt.” Or “Yes, I feel alone right now.” Or “Yes, I’m scared this might not work.”

And then… something shifts.

Instead of trying to argue themselves out of those feelings, they let themselves feel them — and then respond from a centered place.

This is where acceptance becomes a kind of emotional aikido. You stop resisting the force of the moment and use it to redirect your energy forward.

What Happens When You Accept?

You begin to:

  • Think more clearly.

  • Speak more calmly.

  • Act with more integrity.

  • Choose with more alignment.

  • Reconnect with your own values, instead of just reacting to pain.

It’s not always comfortable, but it is transformative.


Ready to Go Deeper?

This article is the beginning. But the full Change Rule 1 audio explores:

  • The myths of acceptance and how they hold people back

  • The resistance loop—and how to step out of it

  • Daily practices to help you stay grounded in reality and focused on forward movement

It’s part of a four-part series on the Change Rules, available to paying subscribers of Connection Compass.

If this message speaks to where you are right now — if you're tired of spinning your wheels or feeling emotionally stuck — this training series may be your next step.

Subscribe as a paid member to access the Change Rules (along with other resources)

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