Chaser, Spacer, or Pacer?
How to Shift the Dynamic and Restore Connection
My client was doing everything he could to reconnect with his wife. He sent her flowers, pushed for a weekend together, bought her gifts, tried to hug and kiss her, and was texting her throughout the day. Her response? More talks about “needing space,” more withdrawal, more stonewalling. “Why isn’t this working,” he asked me? “The article I read said I needed to be more attentive. And now, things are even worse than before!”
I told him my overall observation.
“Pulling doesn’t create connection. Pushing doesn’t create safety. Pacing opens the door to both.”
In every hurting relationship, there’s often a hidden dance. One person moves closer, trying to reconnect. The other steps away, needing space. The more one reaches, the more the other retreats. Until both feel alone, misunderstood, and stuck.
This pattern shows up often in my work with individuals who are trying — sometimes single-handedly — to save their marriage. I call it the Chaser/Spacer Dynamic (you can listen to my podcast about this dynamic here).
It’s not about who’s more committed and who is less committed. It’s about how each person responds to relational stress, and what can be done to shift the pattern. Let’s break it down.
What Is a Chaser?
The Chaser is the one who leans in when things feel off. They reach out, ask to talk, and push for clarity. Their intentions are usually good: they want connection, repair, and closeness.
But when driven by anxiety or fear of disconnection, these attempts can feel intense or overwhelming to the other person. What was meant to heal ends up heightening the tension.
What Is a Spacer?
The Spacer is the one who pulls back. They may go silent, stay busy, or emotionally disengage. This isn't necessarily about apathy. It’s often about self-protection — a way to avoid conflict or being overwhelmed.
To the Chaser, this can feel like rejection. To the Spacer, it may feel like survival.
How the Cycle Starts
This dynamic doesn’t begin with bad intentions. Usually, one person senses disconnection and tries to bridge it. The other, feeling pressure or discomfort, steps back. Each is trying to feel safe, but each step reinforces the other’s fear.
One reaches out of fear of being left.
The other retreats out of fear of being controlled.
Round and round they go — unintentionally fueling the very thing they’re trying to avoid.
Why the Chaser/Spacer Pattern Escalates
It’s rooted in fear:
The Chaser fears abandonment.
The Spacer fears engulfment or emotional flooding.
Each person believes, “If I don’t do this, things will get worse.” But the more they react from fear, the worse things feel.
Why It Doesn’t Work
Imagine trying to hug someone who’s walking backward. The more you reach, the more they pull away. Eventually, frustration builds — or one person gives up.
Chasing doesn’t build closeness.
Spacing doesn’t build clarity.
What’s needed is a different rhythm. That’s where the Pacer comes in.
Meet the Pacer: Calm, Steady, Grounded
The Pacer isn’t passive, and they’re not pushy. They lead with calm action, not panic. They respect space, but still show up with warmth and consistency.
A Pacer…
Extends invitations without expecting an immediate response
Initiates without demanding
Expresses needs without blaming
Builds a life that includes their spouse — but isn’t controlled by them
They say: “I’m still here. I’m still growing. I’m still open. And I’m okay, even if we’re not okay yet.”
YOU can be a Pacer… even if you have been a Chaser or Spacer up until now!
Pacing in Action
Being a Pacer looks like this:
You invite, then step back with confidence.
You respond, not react.
You offer connection without needing to force it.
You create safe space, not pressure or distance, and that space becomes the soil where reconnection can grow.
A Simple Metaphor: The Garden Path
Think of your relationship like a garden path.
The Chaser floods the path with too much water, hoping for faster growth — and drowns the roots.
The Spacer avoids tending it at all — and weeds take over.
The Pacer shows up consistently, tends the soil gently, and lets the growth unfold.
Relationships don’t grow through force. They grow through consistent, wise care.
You Can Shift the Pattern — Even Alone
You don’t need both people to start changing the pattern. One person stepping into the Pacer role can shift the entire dynamic. When the chasing stops, the spacing often does too.
You’re not stuck.
You’re not powerless.
You have options — and you can lead the change.
Want Help Becoming a Pacer?
If you recognize this dynamic in your relationship, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to stay caught in it.
That’s why I created a simple, actionable guide:
🧭 The Chaser, Spacer, or Pacer Workbook
Learn to recognize your role, reset your approach, and rebuild healthy connection — even if you’re working alone.