From Denial to Direction
How to Finally Start Saving Your Marriage
Years ago, I worked as a hospital chaplain. It meant spending a lot of time with families and patients facing death, navigating one of the most disruptive realities a person can encounter.
I became well-acquainted with Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s work on the stages of grief. And I became equally familiar with how people misunderstood it.
You may be familiar with those five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. Many people have at least heard of and about those stages, as they have seeped into our cultural information. But as it hit the pop culture world, some facts about that research seemed to have been lost.
First, people forgot that her research focused on the person who was dying, not those around them (though the patterns showed up there too). Second, people have assumed “stages” meant you had to move through them in order, like climbing stairs. Third, “acceptance” got confused with defeat, with giving up rather than seeing reality clearly.
But what struck me most during those years was this: the stages weren’t really just about grief. They were about how humans respond to any unwanted reality. Any disruption to how we thought things were or should be.
And over twenty-five years of marriage work, I’ve seen the exact same pattern play out when people face a marriage crisis.
The Pattern of Reality Recognition
Someone begins to sense something’s wrong in their marriage. Maybe their spouse seems distant. Maybe conversations feel hollow. Maybe intimacy has disappeared. Maybe there’s been an affair or a threat to leave.
But instead of facing what’s actually happening, they move through a predictable series of responses:
Denial - “We’re just busy. All couples go through this. It’s not that bad.”
Bargaining - “If I just do more around the house / lose weight / stop nagging / work less, everything will go back to normal.”
Anger - “This is YOUR fault. YOU’re the one who changed. YOU need to fix this.”
Depression - “Nothing works. We’ve tried everything. It’s hopeless.”
And finally, if they persist, they reach Acceptance - “Yes. My marriage is in serious trouble. This is real. Now what do I do about it?”
Each stage is a different way of relating to unwanted reality. And until someone reaches acceptance, they can’t begin effective work on their marriage.
Not because the other stages are character flaws. But because you can’t solve a problem you won’t clearly see.
(And here is why assuming “acceptance” means defeat, giving up, walking away, or failure, is such a problem.)
Why Each Stage Keeps You Stuck
Let me use an analogy I often share with clients.
Imagine you want to go to the beach, but you don’t want it to be a 10-hour drive. You want to be much closer. Problem is, you actually ARE 10 hours away. You also want a straight, smooth highway. But the actual route is twisty and winding.
Until you and your GPS accept where you actually are — your real starting point — there’s no way to plot a successful course to where you want to be.
Arguing with reality doesn’t change reality. But it does delay useful action. And it might lead to being even more lost.
That’s what happens in each stage before acceptance.
Denial: “This Isn’t Really Happening”
Denial protects us from overwhelming truth. It buys time while our mind adjusts to new information.
In marriage, denial sounds like: “Every marriage has rough patches.” “We just need to get past this busy season.” “Things will get better when the kids are older / work settles down / we move.”
The person in denial isn’t lying. They genuinely don’t see what’s happening. They’re explaining away evidence, reframing warning signs as temporary inconveniences.
But here’s the problem: while you’re in denial, your marriage isn’t pausing. It’s continuing to drift. The disconnection is deepening. Your spouse is moving further away. You’re not standing still. Nope, you’re losing ground.
Denial delays the GPS from even loading. You haven’t acknowledged that you need directions yet.
Bargaining: “If I Just Do This, Everything Will Go Back to Normal”
Bargaining is an attempt to negotiate with reality. To find the magic formula that will restore what’s been lost.
It sounds like: “If I’m more affectionate, my spouse will stop being so distant.” “If I agree to counseling, we won’t separate.” “If I give them space, they’ll miss me and come back.”
People in bargaining mode become hypervigilant about their spouse’s responses. They’re constantly adjusting their approach based on tiny signals, trying to find the combination that unlocks connection.
The problem isn’t that these actions are wrong. The problem is the underlying belief: that you can control your way back to how things were. That there’s a transaction available — you do X, spouse responds with Y, marriage fixed.
But you can’t bargain your way out of disconnection that’s been building for months or years. You can’t negotiate your spouse back into feelings they no longer have.
Bargaining keeps you focused on manipulation (even well-intentioned manipulation) rather than genuine transformation. You’re typing random destinations into the GPS, hoping one will magically put you closer to the beach. (It won’t.)
Anger: “This Shouldn’t Be Happening! Someone’s to Blame!”
Anger pushes back against powerlessness. It’s an attempt to reassert control by finding a target.
In marriage crisis, anger sounds like: “You’re the one who changed.” “If you hadn’t [had the affair / stopped trying / become so selfish], we’d be fine.” “I’ve done everything right — this is all on you.”
Sometimes the anger turns inward: “I should have seen this coming.” “I’m such an idiot for not noticing.” “I’ve ruined everything.”
Anger feels powerful. It feels like you’re doing something. But anger focused on blame — whether at your spouse or yourself — doesn’t create forward movement.
It’s standing in your driveway, yelling at the GPS that you shouldn’t be 10 hours from the beach. That the route shouldn’t be twisty. That someone should have built a straighter road.
The GPS doesn’t care about your anger. The distance doesn’t change. The road doesn’t straighten. You’re just burning energy you’ll need for the actual drive.
Depression: “Nothing Works… We’re Doomed”
Depression is the stage where exhaustion sets in. You’ve tried denying the problem, bargaining your way out, getting angry at the unfairness. Nothing has worked. The marriage is still in crisis.
Depression sounds like: “We’ve tried everything.” “It’s too late.” “We’re just not meant to be together.” “I don’t even know why I’m bothering anymore.”
This stage often looks like acceptance to outside observers. The person seems calm, resigned, almost peaceful. But there’s a crucial difference:
Depression says “This is how it is and nothing can change.” Acceptance says “This is how it is — now what’s possible from here?”
Depression is giving up disguised as wisdom. It’s concluding that because your old approaches didn’t work, nothing will work.
You’ve finally acknowledged you’re 10 hours from the beach on a twisty road. But instead of starting the drive, you’ve decided the beach is unreachable. You’re sitting in your driveway, engine off, convinced the trip is impossible.
Acceptance: The Actual Starting Point
Here’s what I learned as a chaplain that completely changed how I understood these stages:
The doctors wanted patients to get to acceptance quickly. Not for the patients’ benefit, for their own comfort. They wanted resolution of the emotional messiness. They wanted to stop having difficult conversations.
And they confused acceptance with resignation.
A patient who accepted their diagnosis, but still wanted to fight for better outcomes? That frustrated the doctors. They’d already mentally filed that person under “terminal.” An acceptance that led to continued hope and different treatment choices didn’t fit their narrative.
But real acceptance isn’t giving up. It’s the opposite.
Acceptance is seeing clearly what is actually true. It’s true assessment of the current state of things. It doesn’t dictate outcome. Only starting point.
In marriage terms, acceptance means:
Yes, my spouse is checked out right now
Yes, we’ve been disconnected for a long time
Yes, my previous approaches haven’t worked
Yes, this is serious
Yes, I could lose this marriage
AND:
Now what am I going to do with this reality?
Acceptance is when the GPS finally has accurate information. You’re 10 hours away on twisty roads. Now you can plot an actual course. Now you can make realistic decisions about when to leave, where to stop, how to pace yourself.
Now you can actually start the journey.
The Choice Point Acceptance Creates
Once you accept where your marriage actually is, you face a choice.
You can give up. Decide the trip is too long, too hard, not worth it.
Or you can engage differently. Start driving with eyes open. Make conscious choices based on reality instead of wishes.
Neither choice is wrong. But only acceptance makes real choice possible.
Everything before acceptance is reaction. Denial reacts by avoiding. Bargaining reacts by controlling. Anger reacts by blaming. Depression reacts by surrendering.
Acceptance creates space for response. For conscious, values-based action.
How to Recognize Your Stage
The stages aren’t obstacles to overcome through willpower. They’re natural human responses to disruption. Each serves a function — protecting you from overwhelming truth, maintaining hope that control is still possible, pushing back against powerlessness.
They become problematic only when you get stuck in them unconsciously.
The work isn’t to skip stages or rush through them. It’s to recognize which stage you’re operating from.
When you can name it, “I’m in bargaining mode right now, trying to control my spouse’s responses,” awareness creates possibility. You can ask: “Is this getting me closer to where I want to go, or am I still arguing with the GPS?”
Recognition doesn’t require self-criticism. Your Self Coach can observe: “I see I’m in anger right now. That makes sense. I’m trying to push back against feeling powerless. What am I avoiding seeing?”
The stages lose their power when you see them clearly.
The Real Work Begins at Acceptance
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself cycling through these stages, that recognition itself is valuable. You’re starting to see the pattern.
The other stages — denial, bargaining, anger, depression — they simply delay clarity. Therefore, they delay direction. Therefore, they delay possibilities of change.
Your marriage isn’t waiting for you to figure this out. It’s either growing or declining right now. While you’re arguing with reality, the distance is increasing.
Acceptance is not giving up. It’s the point where you can finally see clearly enough to choose your path.
If you want to save your marriage, if you’re ready to stop arguing with the GPS and start the actual journey, I can help.
My Save The Marriage System is designed for people who’ve reached acceptance. Who see clearly that their marriage is in trouble and are ready to engage differently. Who understand they can’t control their spouse but can create conditions for connection to grow.
It’s for people who are done with denial, bargaining, anger, and depression. Who are ready to work with reality instead of fighting it.
You can learn more at SaveTheMarriage.com.
The destination is reachable. But first, you have to accept where you’re actually starting from.