From Powerless to Pivotal
How to Lead Your Marriage When You Feel Like Nothing’s Working
Letting go of control sounds like freedom. That is, of course, until you try it. That can be terrifying!
You stop pushing.
You stop chasing.
You stop trying to manage their emotions or predict their next move.
And what happens?
At first, maybe nothing.
Then maybe distance.
And sometimes, it feels like things just… stall.
You’re no longer gripping the relationship with both hands. But you’re not sure how to move forward, either.
You’re not controlling anymore.
But you’re not quite leading.
You’re waiting. But not wanting to wait passively.
You’re still hoping. But you don’t want to feel like a fool.
And underneath it all, a quiet question rises:
“If I’m not trying to control — and they’re not trying to connect — then what am I even doing?”
This article is the answer to that question.
Let’s talk about how to move from powerless to pivotal, and how to keep leading even when the relationship feels stuck.
The Aftermath of Letting Go
If you read The Control Trap, you know that trying to control your spouse, through pressure, perfection, or emotional overfunctioning, often backfires.
Letting go of control is essential. But what most people don’t expect is what comes next.
After you stop managing their every move… there’s silence.
After you stop chasing… there’s space.
And in that silence and space, something surprising can happen:
You feel more lost than ever.
Because if you’re not managing them anymore, what are you supposed to do with yourself?
This is where a lot of people relapse… back into control, back into pleading, back into perfectionism. Not because they’re weak, but because they’ve never learned what it means to lead from stillness.
That’s what this article is about.
You’re Not Powerless. You’re Pivotal!
There’s a difference between being powerless and being pivotal.
Powerless feels like “There’s nothing I can do.”
Pivotal feels like “There’s a lot I can do, even if I can’t do everything.”
This shift matters because when you stop controlling, you need something stronger to stand on.
Not a new strategy.
Not a communication formula.
Not another attempt to win them back.
You need a new kind of posture.
What It Means to Be Pivotal
Think of a pivot point in a machine. It doesn’t move everything by force. It provides the leverage that allows motion to happen.
A pivotal person in a relationship does the same.
They don’t force, coerce, or panic.
They become the steady reference point, so that movement becomes possible.
Being pivotal doesn’t mean being passive.
It means being anchored.
You’re not reacting. You’re not retreating.
You’re becoming the most solid version of yourself, even if your spouse remains unsure, unkind, or unavailable.
This is what makes you a leader in the relationship.
Not because you’re in charge of their behavior.
But because you’re in charge of yours.
Three Common Pitfalls After Letting Go
Before we move into what to do next, let’s name a few traps you might fall into once you’ve stopped trying to control:
1. Emotional Withdrawal
You stop trying, but also stop feeling. You become numb or flat, trying to protect yourself by checking out emotionally. This isn’t calm—it’s quiet despair.
2. Passive Waiting
You let go of control but secretly wait for your spouse to do something—apologize, return, pursue, engage—before you decide how to show up.
This keeps your power in their hands.
3. False Detachment
You tell yourself, “I’m fine,” but underneath the surface you’re still tied up in outcomes. You’re not pacing—you’re white-knuckling your way through emotional limbo.
If you’ve fallen into any of these, don’t beat yourself up.
They’re signs you need to shift again—from frozen or reactive… to pivotal.
The Pivotal Shift: What It Looks Like
Here are three powerful shifts you can make right now to move from powerless to pivotal in your marriage:
Shift #1: From Monitoring Them to Aligning You
When you stop controlling, the temptation is to switch into monitoring mode:
“Did they seem distant today?”
“Did they notice I was calmer?”
“Are they warming up or shutting down?”
But being pivotal means you stop asking how they’re doing and start asking how you’re doing.
✅ Am I aligned with my values today?
✅ Am I becoming the kind of partner I want to be?
✅ Am I reacting… or leading?
You don’t stop caring about them. But you make sure you’re not outsourcing your alignment to their mood.
Shift #2: From Desperate Communication to Clear Offers
When you feel desperate for connection, it’s easy to over-communicate:
Long texts
Late-night conversations
Trying to “get clarity” in a conversation that just loops
Pivotal people communicate differently.
They make clear, low-pressure offers:
“I’m grabbing coffee later. Want to come with me?”
“I’d love to hear your thoughts on something, if you’re open.”
“No pressure, but I wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you.”
This communicates availability without anxiety.
Shift #3: From Outcome Dependence to Daily Integrity
The pivotal person doesn’t ask, “Is this working?” after every action.
They ask, “Is this aligned?”
They build integrity into their daily rhythm, not their spouse’s responses.
This is where The Daily Better comes in — a system designed to help you practice consistent, grounded action, especially when the big picture still feels unresolved.
Because steady beats flashy.
And daily integrity creates the kind of relational safety that control never can.
Leading Without a Partner
You might be thinking,
“This all sounds good. But how do I lead when they’re not trying at all?”
That’s the very heart of When They’re Not Trying, one of the most compassionate tools I’ve created.
Because here’s the truth:
You can lead without dragging them.
You can lead without betraying yourself.
You can lead without pretending everything is fine.
You lead by:
Regulating, not reacting
Aligning, not overanalyzing
Creating safety, not chasing control
Honoring your effort, not exhausting yourself
This is what leadership looks like in a one-sided season.
It’s not glamorous.
But it’s powerful.
And it often sets the stage for change… even if it’s slow.
You’re Not Stuck. You’re Steady.
If you’re feeling disoriented after letting go of control, don’t mistake that for failure.
It’s a sign you’re in the pivot.
The shift between old patterns and new possibilities.
The space between reactive effort and aligned action.
The moment where your power starts to take root deeper than outcomes.
You’re not stuck.
You’re steadying.
And that’s a different kind of strength.
Want Tools to Support You as You Lead?
If you're ready to lead from your center—not from fear or frustration—here are three resources designed for this exact season:
🔹 The Principles of Saving Your Marriage
Ten essential trainings to help you move from reactive effort to principled leadership. Especially helpful when you're working alone and don’t want to feel like you're flailing.
🔹 The Daily Better
A workbook + audio training system to anchor your day-to-day presence—so you stop swinging between overfunctioning and withdrawal.
🔹 When They’re Not Trying
A guide for loving, leading, and staying grounded when your spouse is emotionally disengaged. Realistic, hopeful, and centered on self-leadership.
You don’t have to go back to control.
You don’t have to give up on the relationship.
You don’t have to wait in silence, hoping they figure it out.
You can take the next step today.
Steady. Aligned. Pivotal.
And that might just change everything.