Handle Harder, Don’t Hit Harder
Why Growth in Marriage Means Getting Better at Responding, Not Just Reacting
I’ve noticed something lately in pickleball.
As I’ve moved up in skill, I’m playing better players. And better players hit harder. It’s not personal. They’re not targeting me with rockets. It’s just the natural progression of the game.
But here’s the challenge:
I don’t play a “hard” game. I don’t win by outgunning people. My game is built on consistency, smart shots, fewer errors, and solid teamwork. So when someone starts launching balls at me, my instinct isn’t to hit back harder—it’s to hold my ground and play my game… better.
That’s when the insight hit me:
I don’t need to hit harder.
I need to handle harder.
And as soon as I thought it, I realized something bigger:
This is exactly what it’s like to work through a hard season in a marriage.
When the Relationship Gets Harder
It’s not always that your spouse is targeting you. It’s not always about malice or ill intent. Sometimes, the dynamics just get harder — faster, sharper, more intense.
Arguments escalate more quickly.
Disappointments cut deeper.
Frustration builds faster.
And in those moments, the instinct is the same: fight back. Defend yourself. Raise your voice. Match the tone. Hit harder.
But here’s what I’ve seen again and again — in coaching, in my own marriage, in the hundreds of stories people have shared with me:
The breakthrough rarely comes from hitting harder.
It comes from learning to handle harder, with skill, intention, and steadiness.
What “Hitting Harder” Looks Like in Marriage
It can be subtle. You don’t need to throw a plate or yell across the room. You just need to abandon your game.
When you match anger with sarcasm...
When you defend instead of listen...
When you bring up every mistake to make your point...
When you withdraw to punish or protect...
You’re not playing your game anymore. You’re just reacting.
And reactions, especially the hard-hitting kind, rarely move a marriage forward.
What’s Your Game?
In pickleball, I know my game plan:
✅ Consistency
✅ Smart placement
✅ Low errors
✅ Teamwork
That’s how I win, not by overpowering my opponents, but by staying in my game and making them beat me at it.
Marriage is no different.
You have your strengths: your values, your best self, your vision for the kind of relationship you want to build. That’s your game.
Maybe it looks like this:
Consistency – showing up with care and emotional steadiness,
Smart shots – choosing words that de-escalate instead of provoke,
Fewer errors – learning from past missteps and doing better,
Teamwork – acting in ways that support the “us,” not just the “me.”
When the marriage gets hard, the work is not to throw that playbook out.
It’s to double down on it.
To run it better.
To keep playing your game.
How to Get Better at Handling Harder
Let’s get practical.
In pickleball, I realized I didn’t need a whole new set of skills. I needed to sharpen the ones I had — and tweak how I used them in harder situations.
The same goes for marriage. Here’s how you can start handling harder moments without losing yourself in reaction:
1. Better Positioning
🟢 In pickleball: Anticipate fast shots. Prepare your stance.
🟢 In marriage: Don’t walk into a hard conversation running on fumes. Take a breath. Ground yourself. Set your intention. Hard conversations need soft landings.
2. Solid Stance
🟢 In pickleball: Stay balanced, don’t overreach.
🟢 In marriage: Don’t overextend into blame or emotional overreaction. Stay centered in your values and character, not your fears.
3. Controlled Response
🟢 In pickleball: Use your paddle to absorb power and reset.
🟢 In marriage: Absorb the intensity without escalating it. Slow the pace. Respond from calm, not chaos.
4. Anticipate Speed
🟢 In pickleball: Expect harder hits as part of the game.
🟢 In marriage: Expect tough moments. That’s not failure. It’s just life. Preparing for difficulty keeps you from being blindsided by it.
What Growth Actually Looks Like
I used to think growth, whether in pickleball or relationships, meant getting stronger. Faster. Tougher. Louder. Better at hitting back.
Now I see it differently.
Growth is about steadiness.
Growth is about skill.
Growth is about not abandoning yourself when things get intense.
It’s about staying in your game, knowing your strategy, and trusting that your commitment to thoughtful action will outlast the noise.
Because anyone can hit hard.
But not everyone knows how to handle hard.
A Final Word
If you’re in a season where your marriage feels harder than ever, please know this:
You’re not weak for struggling.
You’re not wrong for wanting it to be easier.
But you are wise for looking for a way forward that doesn’t just rely on force or reaction.
You don’t have to hit harder.
You just need to handle harder — with grace, with focus, and with a renewed trust in your own game.
Want Help Staying in Your Game?
I’ve created several resources to help you stay grounded, focused, and resilient—especially when your spouse isn’t engaging or the relationship feels one-sided.
These tools are designed to help you respond better, not react harder.
👉 Go HERE for the Lone Ranger Bundle of Tools.
👉 Go HERE for my Save The Marriage System