“I Need Space” – What That Means and What You Do
It had been tense, sure. And yes, they were not “clicking” like they once did. But, it was just a phase… right?
After that much disconnection, you’d think the way back is to find connection (and that would be accurate).
But for many couples, that isn’t the next step. For many, the next step is exactly what happened here. One spouse said to the other, “I need space.”
That is what led to us talking – a hurt and surprised spouse trying to find a way back, and me. Many times, I find myself only talking with half of a couple. Mostly because I have a rule that I only coach people who are ready to move forward. If that is both people, great. If that is only one person, great! Either way, there is lots of work to do.
And that was true here.
We had a first order of business, when my client asked, “What does that even mean, ‘I need space’?” Many people assume that it means zero contact. And here is the problem with that: a disconnected relationship rarely benefits from further disconnection.
To be fair, when I speak with the “I need space” half of the marriage, that person is also unsure of what it means and what they are asking for. They just know that things are painful, and they are trying to get away from the pain.
If you find your hand resting on a hot pan, the way to stop the pain is to pull it away. So, that makes sense! We humans generally have a natural tendency to move away from pain and discomfort.
But this is usually a short-term attempt to solve a long-term problem. We work, though, with the tools we have. If you have a hammer, everything is a nail, right? So you use the resources you know. If a relationship is painful, pulling away is the common solution.
When a spouse asks for space, the next move matters for the outcome. And most people take two different, nearly opposite, actions. There are those who here that as an absolute – that zero contact position. And others, from the very same place of fear, end up crowding their spouse. “I need space” is met with a desperate attempt to win them over by getting closer, by arguing, by shaming, by begging. No contact or too much contact, neither are optimal reactions.
Your spouse asks for space, perhaps not really understanding what that is, or what it means. Just a way to feel better.
And you, not knowing how to honor space (or even what that is), might either push away or pull close.
So, what IS “space”?
Generally, when someone asks for space, they are looking for a breather from painful emotional interactions. For many couples, they are both aware of the troubles in the relationship, and that has charged every interaction. Which generally does not go well (since you aren’t really even sure of what is happening here). Those emotionally charged interactions are emotionally exhausting for both – if not painful and hurtful.
Asking for space is looking for some emotional distance, so as not to keep having the same fruitless, hurtful conversations. In some ways, it is an attempt to find a bit of peace.
Other times, it comes from one feeling like they have repeatedly tried to solve the disconnection, on their own. They feel rebuffed, turned back at attempts to pull close. And so, in what feels like an attempt at self-protection, they ask for space – really an attempt to give themselves permission to stop the actions that are making them feel rejected.
The problem is, most couples have established a safe distance between them. It varies from couple to couple. But somewhere along the way, both fall into a pattern of safe distance (whether it is closer or further away). And in general, this includes a role of pursuing and distancing. The pursuer, feeling the rejection, finally calls it quits. Which shifts that distance… so much so that the distancer often becomes the pursuer. And the pursuer is now the distancer – who then asks for space.
Most of the time, a request for “space” is a clear indication of an imbalance in the relationship. The request is an attempt to restore the balance… even if the balance isn’t healthy for the relationship.
“Space” mistakes!
Which brings us to a big mistake when someone asks for space. You give them space. But not in the way that is needed!
You step back and break all contact. That is one mistake. But there is another.
Let’s divide space into two arenas: physical and emotional. And let’s take it one step further: most of the time, the request is for emotional space. If that doesn’t happen, the next request is for physical space. Have I confused you yet? Let’s just look at the two big mistakes: give less space or give too much space.
When someone asks for space, they usually are wanting some emotional space. And instead of getting that, you fill the emotional space with your fear. You try to pull them closer while they are wanting to push away emotionally. And that can lead to a request for more space – which is when it often becomes about physical space, as in separation and even divorce.
The other end is when someone asks for space and you step away entirely. No contact, no physical proximity, no communication, no connection. Now, the disconnection that is the root of the problem has been enlarged. Further disconnection that does nothing to heal.
The end result of both mistakes? An acceleration in the space needed… and in the disconnection that causes.
The relationship crisis suddenly accelerates.
Let’s clarify the issue of space.
“Space,” at least initially, is usually really about getting a little emotional space in the relationship. Many times, at this point, the issue is solvable and the relationship is salvageable. Remember, the person did not ask to end the relationship. Your spouse asked for some space.
Over the years, I have watched this request play out right in front of me. One person says, “I need some space,” and the other says, “So you are breaking up with me and it’s over!” The “spacer” often tries to clarify, not realizing that they are speaking to fear. And fear rarely hears well and rarely responds well. Not only that, but the one asking for space is feeling fear, too! After all, nobody wants to cause a problem, make a scene, and make things difficult.
So, how DO you give space??
Let’s first make it clear that “giving space” does not mean breaking all connection. It is usually (at least at first) more about emotional space. You know those long talks that are attempts to “make things better,” but really only make things worse?
That is the first thing you need to stop.
I often refer to these as THE Relationship Talk. You know that talk? The one where you have rehearsed all the reasons in your head, why things can get better and should get better? You start sharing, and you find yourself in a tug-of-war with your spouse, who has also got a script going in their head… about why things are bad and how you might not be able to recover. Two scripts, going in opposite directions.
Really, any big relationship talks need to be set aside. When the marriage is this stressed, it just can’t hold that level of communication.
So, no big relationship talks… unless your spouse initiates. Then, you need to listen, be empathic, and perhaps simply share that you still have hope. Not reasoning why, but expressing hope. And making sure your spouse feels heard.
That is probably the biggest way to give space: by not encroaching on your spouse’s emotional space, pushing for more.
Why will you crowd? Because people get anxious when someone close pulls away. When we get anxious, we want to find a way to calm the anxiety.
And by the way, that means one big thing has to happen: you have to manage your anxiety. Because that anxiety is what will pull you back in. It is not up to your spouse to deal with your anxiety. That is up to you. Always.
Resist chasing and resist avoiding. The middle ground of being present, but not emotionally crowding, is the recipe for minding space and keeping it from becoming about even more space.
And – this is important – ask your spouse what space looks like, to your spouse. Let your spouse give you some clarity for the request.