If You Know What To Do, Why Aren't You Doing It?
Here’s something I see all the time: someone knows their marriage is struggling. They’ve read articles, maybe even invested in programs or coaching. They understand what they should be doing.
But they’re not doing it.
And they’re frustrated with themselves because of it.
Let me be direct: information without action is just interesting. It might make you feel briefly hopeful or informed, but it doesn’t change anything.
Transformation requires action.
You can have all the knowledge in the world about how to save your marriage. You can understand connection, communication, repair… all of it. But if you’re not actually doing anything with that knowledge, nothing transforms.
So the real question isn’t “what should I do?”
The real question is: “What’s blocking me from doing what I already know?”
The Four Reasons You’re Not Taking Action
I’ve identified four primary barriers that stop people from moving from information to transformation. I call them the 4 F’s:
Fear. Fury. Forget. Fold.
Each one represents a different way that knowing fails to become doing. Each one needs a different approach to overcome it.
Let me walk you through all four, help you identify which one is blocking you right now, and give you the specific path forward for your situation.
FEAR Is Stopping You
What it looks like:
You’re paralyzed by “what if” scenarios.
What if I try and it doesn’t work? What if I make things worse? What if I’m vulnerable and get rejected? What if I do everything right and my spouse still leaves?
Fear keeps you frozen. It hijacks your biology and overrides your decision-making. You know what you should do, but the fear of potential outcomes keeps you from taking any action at all.
Fear is an emotional state that prevents choice. It’s your nervous system trying to protect you from perceived threat. Even when taking action is actually the safer path forward.
Your path to action:
If fear is what’s stopping you, you need tools that help you regulate your emotions before you make decisions. You need to build confidence that you can handle whatever happens.
Start here:
Confidence Blueprint - Build the foundation to act despite fear
Turning Point Bundle - Navigate the critical moments when fear is highest
These are your rudder and trim when fear is the wind trying to blow you off course. They help you move with intention instead of being controlled by anxiety.
FURY Is Stopping You
What it looks like:
You’re hurt. Angry. Maybe even feeling hatred toward your spouse.
The pain has created a protective wall, and fury is standing guard. You might be thinking “why should I try when they’re not?” or “they don’t deserve my effort after what they’ve done.”
Your withdrawal feels justified. Self-protective. Even righteous.
Fury is different from fear. It’s not about being too scared to act. It’s about being too hurt, too angry, too protected to want to act. It’s wrapped in self-justification: “I have every right to feel this way.”
And you do have every right to feel it. But the question is: Is this who you want to be? Is this stance serving your goals?
Your path to action:
If fury is what’s stopping you, you need to examine whether this protective stance is actually protecting anything worth protecting. You need tools to calm the storm and choose your response from values instead of wounds.
Start here:
Calm & Repair Bundle - Navigate the storm and rebuild after conflict
When They’re Not Trying - What to do when your spouse isn’t participating (this addresses the fuel that feeds fury)
Think of these as your anchor in the storm. When fury is raging, you need to stabilize first before you can navigate anywhere productive.
FORGET Is Stopping You
What it looks like:
You have good intentions. You want to work on your marriage. You know what you should be doing.
But life gets busy. Work demands attention. Kids need you. Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and you realize you haven’t actually implemented anything you learned.
This isn’t about lack of desire or commitment. It’s a systems problem. You’re trying to rely on memory and willpower in the middle of a full life, and that’s not a sustainable strategy.
Forget is a pattern that persists until you build better structures. You need habits, not just intentions.
Your path to action:
If forget is what’s stopping you, you need systematic approaches that don’t depend on you remembering to do things. You need small, manageable actions that build into sustainable patterns.
Start here:
Principles of Saving Your Marriage - The foundation framework
Daily Better - Build daily habits that stick
The Repair Checklist - Systematic approach to repair
Simple Actions: Small Shifts, Big Change - Manageable actions that create momentum
These tools help you build navigation systems that keep you on course even when life gets chaotic. They’re your rudder and trim for the long voyage, not just the crisis moments.
FOLD Feels Like Where You Are
What it looks like:
You feel like giving up. You’re exhausted. You can’t see how this could possibly work. The hopelessness is overwhelming, and the thought of quitting feels like the only relief available.
That feeling is real. I’m not dismissing it.
But here’s what I want you to notice: You’re reading this article right now.
That means you haven’t actually folded yet. You’re still looking. Still searching for something. A path, a perspective, a reason to keep going.
The feeling of wanting to fold is different from the choice to fold.
Feelings are valid, but they’re not the same as decisions. You can feel hopeless and still choose to take one more step. You can feel exhausted and still choose to try one more approach.
If you were truly folded — if you’d made the examined, genuine choice to end your marriage — you wouldn’t be here reading about how to take action. You’d be talking to a lawyer or planning your exit.
But you’re not. You’re here.
So before you confuse the feeling with the choice, let me ask you to check something:
Has Fear kept you from exploring certain paths because they felt too risky or too vulnerable?
Has Fury made you reject possibilities out of self-protection, convinced that trying would just mean more pain?
Has Forget meant you never actually implemented what you learned consistently, so you concluded “nothing works” when really nothing was genuinely tried?
If any of those are true, you’re not at Fold. You’re stuck in one of the other F’s, and it’s blocking you from seeing options that actually exist.
Your path to action:
If you genuinely can’t see a way forward — or if you’re ready to give it one last real try before making any final decisions — start here:
The Hope System - Restore hope when you can’t see a way forward
ALL IN Marriage Accelerator - For one last committed try before you walk away
I respect if Fold becomes your genuine, examined choice. Staying in a marriage isn’t always the right answer, and I’m not here to pressure anyone into something that isn’t healthy for them.
But right now, while you’re still here, still reading, still looking… let’s see if we can find the path you can’t currently see.
Because the fact that you’re reading this? That tells me you haven’t truly folded yet.
A Final Thought on Navigation
I often use the word “anchor” for my frameworks, but I’ve been thinking about that lately.
An anchor keeps you in one place. That’s useful in a storm. You need to stabilize and not make things worse. But it’s not helpful when you’re trying to get somewhere.
What you really need are rudder and trim.
The wind is going to blow. Your circumstances, your spouse’s behavior, the challenges of life — those are what they are. You can’t control the wind.
But you can control your sails. You can adjust your rudder. You can choose your direction.
The 4 F’s I’ve described? Those are the things that take your hands off the rudder. They’re what make you drift instead of navigate.
Fear freezes you.
Fury has you fighting the wind instead of using it.
Forget means you keep drifting off course.
Fold is the feeling that there’s no destination worth sailing toward—but it doesn’t have to be your choice.
The tools and frameworks I’ve shared are your rudder and trim. They let you use what’s happening — even the hard stuff — to move toward where you actually want to go.
Start Here
Right now, identify which F is blocking you most.
Then take the specific path forward for that barrier. Don’t try to solve all four at once. Start where you are.
Information becomes transformation when you act on it.
You know what to do.
Now you know what’s stopping you. And how to move past it.
Lee Baucom
Marriage Coach | SaveTheMarriage.com