It Really IS That Simple!
My client said, “It CAN’T be that simple!”
He was talking about our sessions to help him rebuild his marriage. I walked him through a process, as direct and simple as possible. And that was what led to his statement, “It CAN’T be that simple!”
To be fair, he then turned it into a question, “Can it?”
Yes, it can absolutely be that simple.
One part of my life philosophy is to try to strip the complicated down to essentials. We complicate so many things in life, unnecessarily, and with zero benefit. It just seems to be part of human thought. Complicate, complicate, complicate.
In my younger years, I was a performing magician. I did lots of shows. What I strove for was to make my tricks look like… well… magic. But there was always someone who only saw it as a puzzle to be solved. They wanted to figure out “how I did it.” While that was not what I wanted out of my performance, some people just do that.
It amused me to hear their explanations for my trick. They always gave me a very complex, complicated explanation that required pretty major engineering, with lots of moving parts. More often than not, the trick was very simple, relying on a little sleight-of-hand and some misdirection. In fact, I loved the most simple of tricks that looked like… well… magic.
No, I am not suggesting we need to bring in some “tricks” to help a relationship. It is more about the fact that people complicate the process of saving a relationship. And not just the spouses. So do the experts! There are some very complicated, complex explanations for what happens in a marriage, and why. Theories abound. With layer after layer of complications.
Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself. You start reading a book about marriage – whether improving it or saving it. And suddenly, you find yourself lost in lots of psychological gobbledygook (I have to admit, that was the first time I’ve used that word in my writing!). We used to talk about all the “psychobabble” when I was in training. Lots of complicating things that take an idea and make it wordy and fairly incomprehensible.
This is so unnecessary. Especially when you are lost in the midst of a marriage crisis, and can’t find your way through it. What you thought was a map out of the problem turns into a cryptic treasure map into the jungle.
Is this really necessary? People have been doing relationships for as long as there have been people!
So, back to my client’s question, “It CAN’T be that simple! Can it?”
Yes, my friend, yes. It IS pretty simple.
But please, do not confuse simple with easy. When a relationship is in trouble (and especially a marriage), the path back may not be easy. Sometimes, the damage that is done makes the journey back more difficult. Not complicated. Difficult.
Let me ask you a question, though. If you knew the process, would you take on the challenge? This really is the question.
So, I responded to my client, “Yes, it is that simple. Not easy, though. Which brings us to the question of importance to you. Because if something is important enough, you will take on the challenge. If it isn’t important, you likely won’t.”
Isn’t that true everywhere in life? My brother plays a mean game of golf. He practices his swing, works on the muscles he needs, thinks about strategy, and plays. I am not a fan of golf. At all. So, if he invited me to come out and practice, I’d probably turn him down. (Well, to be fair, I value our relationship enough that I’d probably go with him, just to hang out with him. But I’d probably not put much effort into the practice.) And how’d he get good? By practicing and learning. And let’s be honest, there is nothing inherently natural about a good golf swing. In fact, it is fairly non-natural for people. Unless you practice. A lot!
The game of golf is really about hitting a ball into a cup in as few shots as possible, and repeating it multiple times. Pretty simple, right?
But not easy (or so I am told!).
Many times, when I am considering a coaching client, I try to assess whether they are ready to do the difficult. Otherwise, they tend to not act on our coaching; instead, they drop back to the easy. Not much important happens in the world of easy when there is a crisis! In fact, almost always, the cost of importance is putting in the work, doing the difficult.
And almost always, that path need not be complicated. There is a law of diminishing returns when we keep complicating what is pretty straightforward. The more we complicate, the less we make progress.
Conversely, the more we simplify, the more we progress.
To repeat: Simple ≠ Easy. It may be difficult. Because Easy rarely equals Important.
This is especially true, if you have gotten far from where you meant to be. The closer you are to your ideal, the easier it is to stay there. The further you are away, the harder it is to get back toward your ideal.
Let’s say you have always taken care of your health. You’ve eaten well, exercised appropriately, stay fairly rested, and are pretty good with maintaining your stress levels. It is fairly easy (and simple) to stay on that trajectory. And let’s say you get sick. You will likely find your way back to your norm pretty quickly.
But what if you have ignored your health? You don’t eat well, don’t exercise, get stressed out, and don’t get adequate sleep. For awhile, your trajectory may not show much. But over time, that trajectory falls further and further away from your ideal. Until you are in some sort of health crisis.
Now, the climb out is much more difficult. The interventions may be major. And it might take some time to see a shift in the trajectory.
How do I know?
Because I have been there. In my mid-thirties, I was not taking good care of myself. It certainly caught up with me. I had a health crisis that looked like it would be a game-ender for me. The doctor predicted disability, and a high likelihood of death from my illness. I had quite a bit of regret that I had not been more careful with my health. And now, I found myself far from where I wanted and needed to be.
It was not intentional, but more about neglect. I was busy with work and family. So, I grabbed what I could to eat, didn’t make time to exercise, stayed stressed out, and slept poorly. It was no surprise that my body was in crisis. I just didn’t realize it until I couldn’t ignore it anymore (bodies – and relationships – will eventually give you unavoidable and inescapable feedback).
It was a slow and steady decline, that finally hit a feedback point that alerted me to just how far off the ideal I was.
And I got very lucky. The doctors were right about my diagnosis, but they weren’t right about the prognosis.
Once I was recovering, I turned my attention to eating better, exercising more, de-stressing, and getting some decent sleep. But that doesn’t mean my body suddenly was at the ideal. Nope, that took awhile. I had to climb up, having fallen pretty far down. And it took effort.
Lots of effort.
But I had a family that needed me around. So, it was also important for me to do it. Which is why I was willing to put in the effort.
Twenty-five years later, I would say I am in better shape than before I got sick. And once I was healthy again, staying healthy is pretty simple (and fairly easy). I keep up my good habits. I pay attention to what my body is telling me. And I keep moving forward.
Let’s bring this thing home, shall we?
You are working on your relationship, right? I mean, there may be a few people (like my parents) who just like to read what I am working on. But it is far more likely that your marriage needs some help. Maybe a little, maybe a lot.
Here’s the problem: many people go looking for an easy solution. Some trick or phrase to use that leaves your spouse “begging for more.” Easy solutions rarely move the needle. No reverse psychology or other trick is going to work for long – if at all.
And others don’t take any action because it all seems too complicated. Too much to unwind. Too confusing. Too _______ (you fill in the blank with how it is too complicated). So, they don’t get started.
They get started on an easy answer that won’t work, or don’t start at all when it feels too confusing. Both are dead-ends. And nothing changes (or more likely, things get worse – remember that trajectory line!).
Here is the truth:
Repairing a relationship is pretty simple – it is about reconnecting and changing. It is about having a different understanding of what a marriage could be and should be.
Repair is possible because most people really do want a connected relationship. They just don’t know what that would be, or how to do it.
The real question is how important it is to you. Is it important enough to take on what may be a difficult climb out of the hole you both accidentally dug? If not, no answer or help is going to make a difference. It so, then you will take on the effort and push on.
Once you understand what is behind a great marriage, it really is about building in the habits that will get you there. Then, it is much easier to maintain. Getting in shape can be tough. Staying in shape is not as hard.
But something does have to shift. You can choose the shift or the shift can find you. The first is more likely to be to your liking. The second is usually more painful.
So, don’t complicate things. Simply work on connecting and changing. (I said, “simply,” not “easily.”) Take this on because it is important, not because it is easy.