Marriage Lie #2: “Meet All My Needs”
What starts an unintentional lie? Does it just emerge or is it constructed over time?
The first evidence of marriage dates to around 2350 BC, in ancient Mesopotamia. At that time, marriage was more about property, progeny, and survival. It tied the parents of a child together, created a clear distinction of private property, and meant that there was more help in doing what had to be done to survive. Farming was easier with two (plus the offspring). The same with baking or any other work. Marriage, at that time, was not so much about love. It was about joining together as a family unit, to survive.
Then, sometime during the Middle Ages, the idea of romantic love got mixed in. That doesn’t mean that there had been no love before. It’s just that during the Middle Ages, romantic love became more of the impetus for marriage. This was especially true for the more privileged class — where surviving was not the bigger motivator anymore. They had the luxury of focusing on emotions when the basic needs were secured.
As times were more secure and survival was not quite the everyday focus for more and more people, the idea of romantic love as a cause of marriage grew beyond the privileged.
In the last four decades, the focus of marriage has been more about fulfillment between the couple. In fact, some researchers believe that marriage has changed more in the last couple of generations than in the last 5,000 years of its existence.
Which means we are still trying to figure this new idea of marriage out.
As self-growth has become a bigger goal for people, marriage has joined in. As culture has become more affluent, free time more abundant, and survival less of a challenge, self-expansion has had room to, well, expand.
Self-expansion is the term used to describe our seeking to experience a bit more, learn a bit more, become a bit more. If you decide to expand your palate and try new foods, that is self-expansion. If you decide to take a self-growth course, that is self-expansion. Try a new hobby, get some therapy or coaching, take up a new sport, travel to a new culture, they are all self-expansion activities.
And self-expansion is tied to higher levels of happiness. But the luxury of self-expansion is a fairly recent phenomenon. Sure, people were learning and experiencing before. Mostly, though, because it was necessary to progress in life. Now, we can choose it and pursue it. Knowledge, information, and learning are literally at our fingertips.
This prominence of self-expansion has filtered into marriage. Couples report higher levels of marital satisfaction when they feel their self-expansion is supported by their spouse. This also includes what researchers refer to as the “Michelangelo Effect,” when close partners are mutually shaping and sculpting each other in the expansion process.
But what does that have to do with meeting each other’s needs, the lie we are discussing?
It seems that this expansion model is not just about what we do, as individuals, but what a marriage is about. What a spouse should do. What an ideal marriage should be.
Expectations on what a marriage (and a spouse) should do for us has, well, expanded over the last couple of generations. We are expecting more from the marriage, and more from a spouse, than ever before.
And perhaps we over-shot what is fair and even possible to expect.
A few years ago, a lovely couple was sitting on the couch in my office. They had been married for five years. And they were struggling. Both were successful everywhere in life. Good jobs, active social lives, accomplished athletes… they seemed to be “the package.” Except that they were unhappy in their marriage.
As “Ashley” was telling me, she was frustrated that “Michael” was not doing what she needed… what he “should” be doing. But Michael was just not interested in going to the movies and playing tennis with Ashley. He wasn’t as keen on listening to her social talk about friends (Michael called it gossip). Sure, Ashley admitted, he shared household responsibilities. And yes, their sex life was good. And they did travel well. They were financially secure. But Michael was “failing” at those other roles.
I asked Ashley, “Before you got married, did you two do those things together? Is this a change since you got married?”
Ashley chuckled and said, “No. I had a friend who loved going to movies with me. And another friend was my tennis partner. Oh, and come to think of it, this other friend was my go-to social person. She always knew the inside information.”
I asked about those folks. Ashley looked at me and said, “I’m married now. Those are HIS jobs!”
“So,” I noted, “Michael is now replacing at least 3 other people? And maybe more?”
“Yes!” Ashley blurted. Then she looked at me. “Maybe?” Then after a pause, “No?”
It wasn’t Ashley’s fault. It was the lesson — the lie — that has wedged itself into our beliefs about what a marriage should do, and how it should fulfill us, that was speaking through Ashley.
Remember that line from Jerry Maguire? Tom Cruise’s character said it, “You complete me.”
That is the danger zone, to borrow from another Cruise classic.
It sure sounded like a romantic line, didn’t it? People swooned over that line and “You had me at hello” (another scary idea).
Here is the problem: for something to complete you, you must be incomplete. You are working from a deficit model. A need-based relationship. You can think of it as a gap relationship. The person is filling a gap. But what happens when that gap is no longer important? Or the gap shifts?
No, I don’t think that each one of us is complete. It is just not the task of another person to complete us. That is our own task.
That incompleteness, though, is the space of need.
And here is the interesting thing…when I state this is a lie, “My spouse should meet all of my needs,” the immediate response is often, “So you think a spouse shouldn’t meet any of my needs?” As I noted in my article on the 1st lie of marriage, the opposite of a lie is not the truth. It is often just as much a lie. So no, I do not think your spouse shouldn’t meet any of your needs.
Let me be clear: there are some very real human relationship needs. We do need connection. We do need relationships and intimacy. That is built into our DNA. Without the needed connection, there are serious negative consequences to our mental health and emotional life.
Healthy life functioning is not a lone activity. Connection comes from relationship with others, and marriage is an ideal place for that connection. The level of intimacy that is possible in a marriage can meet that deep human need for connection.
It is the pressure — and impossibility — of meeting all of a spouse’s need that makes it dangerous and a lie.
To be clear, while couples can meet some of each other’s needs, it is impossible to meet all of a spouse’s needs (nor they to meet all of your needs). Expecting otherwise leads to frustration, anger, disappointment, and distance.
“So, should I give up?”
Please don’t give up on a marriage meeting needs. I think it is important for people to try and meet the needs of a spouse. In fact, that is an important shift, from “what needs is my spouse meeting (or failing to meet),” to “what needs of my spouse can I meet.”
That vital shift is incredibly important.
It’s been my observation that the opposite shift often happens during a marriage. You meet someone, fall in love, and work hard to show them you love them. And you decide to get married so you can love them for life. It is about being loving.
And then, people shift to being loved. They ask “how is my spouse loving me,” not “how I am loving my spouse.” The new standard is “What am I getting out of this?” It measures from lack and scarcity, not abundance and possibility. I can always love more. But when someone looks at specifics (their own score card), a spouse will fall short in some area. No spouse can meet all of someone’s needs. And that goes both ways, for both partners.
Here is what we have to give up: the hope, wish, and desire that a spouse, any spouse, is going to meet every one of our needs. The perfect spouse (just like the perfect parent, child, job, boss, friend) does not exist.
Then what do we do?
Work to perfect. Instead of looking for the perfect spouse, we can work to perfect the relationship. No, we won’t get there. But we can always be improving. We can always find ways of doing better, of being better as a couple.
Here are some specific shifts.
1) Focus on what your spouse does bring to the relationship. A deficit approach is focused on what your spouse is not doing for you. Often, that is an interpretation…your interpretation. When researchers ask couples to assess what percentage of the relationship they are delivering, the combined score exceeds 100%. Since that is not possible, people tend to over-estimate their contribution and under-estimate that of their spouse.
2) Don’t expect your spouse to meet all of your needs. When we dial down our expectations (particularly of something that is not possible), we also dial down our disappointment when that expectation fails. Some of your needs? Absolutely. All of your needs? Not possible. Recognize that fact, so that your expectations do not continually collide with reality, leading to unnecessary conflict and struggle.
3) Grow your relationship and connection. Your spouse cannot meet all of your needs. It isn’t possible. And it isn’t the heart of a healthy marriage. Nor should your marriage isolate you to just each other. Friends and outside interests or activities are not just okay. They are healthy. Yes, you certainly want to make your marriage relationship the priority relationship. And yes, you do want to protect the boundaries of the relationship. But it is not the sole point of connection.
4) Take responsibility for your own happiness. Your spouse cannot make you happy. And the corollary of that is, you cannot make your spouse happy. That is a personal choice and an inside job. Each of us must take full responsibility for our own happiness, purpose, and direction. Nobody else can do that, nor should they feel they have to. It is not possible to make someone happy, although it is entirely possible to make them miserable (and yourself in the process).
5) Seek to meet the needs of your spouse. Ironically, while you can’t expect a spouse to meet all of your needs, the path to a successful marriage is when both people seek to meet the needs of a spouse they can meet. While each of us is responsible for our own growth and happiness, we can support a spouse in those same areas. We can also be the primary source for connection, and the source for intimacy. This happens when we focus on meeting the needs we can, recognizing we can’t meet every need. But still choosing to work toward meeting needs when we can (even if that means we stretch and grow in the process).
Don’t believe this lie! A person cannot meet all of the needs of their spouse. That applies both ways. But by seeking to meet the needs of your spouse, and your spouse doing the same, your marriage can flourish. Look for what you can invest, not where you can withdraw. Make your marriage one of mutual support, where both people’s needs are important. But where the marriage is not seen as the place you are completed. Work on being more of that complete person. And bring that self into the marriage.
(If you missed the first lie about marriage, CHECK IT OUT RIGHT HERE.)