Marriage Lie #4: Marriage is 50/50
Fair is fair, right? A partnership should be equal, with both people participating and contributing equally, right?
So, if that partner isn’t doing their fair share, it would be fair for you to withhold that, too. Right? And if that partner gets something, its only fair for you to get that same thing, right?
This one couple, I had known for years. They seemed so close at one point. But over the years, the distance grew. They slowly pulled away from each other, turning cold and resentful. When they told me they were giving up on the marriage, I wanted to know what had happened. Each told me the same story: “I realized my spouse wasn’t as invested in the marriage as I, so I backed away.”
To clarify, they both told me the same story. Both were sure the other had withdrawn first, precipitating their own withdrawal. Justifying their own withdrawal. It was only fair, right?
Many couples have told me they believed in fairness in their marriage. “50/50,” they would often tell me. They were proud of their egalitarian beliefs, their construction of a fair relationship.
What they didn’t know is they had built their marriage on a lie. One that would slowly undercut their relationship. Maybe not at first. Maybe not for a while. But at some point, slowly or suddenly, they would stare at a relationship that feels unfair.
At that point, they make a choice to pivot to the truth, or let the lie cost them their relationship.
To be clear, marriage lies are not intentional untruths. They are simply believed untruths. There is a certain logic behind the lie, and it is not told with ill-intent. Nonetheless, they are lies. And they damage relationships that needn’t be. The logic is just part of the lie.
And this is the lie: Marriage is 50/50. Each person must meet half-way. Together, they make a whole. It’s equal.
It isn’t. It can’t be. And measuring doesn’t make any sense (and in fact, is the beginning of the problem, anyway).
Just for a moment, think back to those marriage vows. At any point, was there a part that said, “I will if you will. Halfsies together”? No, mine didn’t either.
“So, what IS fair?”
No, I am not saying that one person should shoulder all the responsibilities and effort. The opposite of a lie is often just another lie.
But more importantly, we are still arguing about the amount of investment and effort. It is still a measurement. Which is just about impossible to accurately make, and incredibly biased.
In many studies, researchers asked each spouse to give the percentage of effort and work they do for the household and relationship. They asked about household duties and effort in the relationship. Curiously, when added together, the percentage exceeds 100%. That is, mathematically speaking, impossible. Just like you can’t give 110% of effort, you can’t do 110% of household duties. An accurate estimate should add up to 100% per household. But it doesn’t.
When people calculate their own level of effort, they are very clear about what they are doing. So even if they accurately assess what they are doing, they likely inaccurately assess what a spouse is doing. Skewing the percentage they assign for themselves. Think of all the unspoken, even hidden, things that you might do — things a spouse may not even notice you are doing. They still matter and still take effort. A spouse is likely doing the same.
Our own egocentric bias (we judge by what we do — and what we assess — to be important) means we overestimate our own effort. At the same time, we underestimate a spouse’s effort.
The percentages don’t matter, though.
That little thought experiment is actually only representative, though, of the real issue. When we are measuring our own effort (versus a spouse’s effort) we have already stepped into the dangerous trap.
Marriage is not merely transactional. It is not about a balance sheet approach. I’ve referred to this before as the spreadsheet marriage. When this lie creeps into a marriage, we have a mental spreadsheet that lists “my effort and actions” against “my spouse’s effort and actions.” Many times, this ends up fueling an “I do/did, you owe” mentality.
And herein lies the danger.
One couple I saw years ago for premarital counseling knew they were “playing fair.” They divided their bills in half, each responsible for their “fair share.” They divided household chores, negotiated by both to be a “fair share” for each. They took turns planning “date night,” initiating sex, and other such marital tasks.
They were particularly proud of their “fair and equal” approach.
I tried to warn them….
This particular lie looks so helpful, so fair, from the outside. The foundation is already corrupted. It is a house of cards waiting for a slight breeze to topple it. Even as the house grows taller and taller, more precarious over time.
For this couple, it took five years.
When they returned to my office, both were filled with resentment. By then, there was a child. And life was coming apart at the seams.
While both had launched their marriage and careers at the same time, their career trajectory was not the same. His had skyrocketed. While his income was ten times what it was when they started, her income has about half of where they started — she had opted to step back from her job and spend more time at home with their child. Due to income potential in each career path, and taking time off for a child, the disparity between their incomes was growing.
Yet the bill division had not changed. According to him, she was not keeping up her fair share. According to her, he was not giving fair credit for her efforts and sacrifice. She wanted to renegotiate the bills. “How about percentage?” she suggested. He thought that unfair. “How about credits?” he suggested, so that she could make up for her financial short fallings with other tasks added to her list. She thought that unfair.
I suggested they scrap the entire system and reconsider the foundations. But those were the first cards they had erected in this house of cards. Equal and fair. This idea was fundamental to the nature of their marriage. And to their understanding of their relationship. Neither wanted to pull the cards out. Even if the house was precariously leaning to the, just on the verge of collapse. They didn’t want to pull them out. Their situation had proven one thing: the foundation was untenable. It was a lie.
Neither person meant to be lying. And both had believed the lie. Still, it was a lie.
Marriage is not 50/50.
Marriage is about a shift in thinking.
As noble as it sounds, to be fair, to be equal, that is a comparison perspective. It is based on a comparison of “what I am putting in,” versus “what you are putting in.”
What if we made a shift from “fair in,” to “all in.” As in, “I’m all in, I bring all that I have, regardless.” What might that change about the relationship? About the foundations of the relationship?
Just for a moment, consider a sports team. Isn’t this idea what makes a team work? That helps a team to win? “I play my best. And if today, you can’t play at your best, I will try to cover it. We work together for the win.” Not for “what am I getting out of this?” Instead, it’s “how do we play to win, given the circumstances right now?”
The goal is winning the game, not proving the contribution to the game. The way to win is playing your best, with what you have, to overcome the obstacles. In a game, it’s to overcome the opposing team. In life, it’s to overcome the struggles and challenges.
Teams work best that way, working for the goal. Not measuring the contribution at every step. That mentality carries over to marriage.
In marriage, I refer to this as WE-thinking. WE are in this together. WE bring our best selves, whatever that best is right now, to the task. To the relationship.
That shift in thinking is a challenge for one reason: marriage is the only relationship in life where we do this. This joining together starts with a simple ceremony. One where we almost skim over the vows and pledges. They reveal this idea, though, right there. Pledging to get through good and bad days (and just about any other day), loving the other, and keeping the threats to the relationship at a distance.
Those vows are not, “I will if you will.” They are, “I will” and “I do.”
The foundation is set right there. The question is whether we live into those vows and promises…or not. The “not” is using the “fair” equation as an evaluation.
Remember, we judge that fairness from our own (flawed) perspective. Humans usually keep score in a way that benefits the scorekeeper. And if both people are tracking the score, neither is going to have a fair score. But what if the score is irrelevant?
Like on that sports team, the real score is against the competition, not against the teammate. The competition is the challenges of life. Your spouse is never the competition. (Using the “fair” approach does exactly that — it creates a competition between you and your spouse on what is fair…and what is not.)
Many people know the fair frame is not working. But they don’t know what to do, instead.
How to make the shift.
50/50, fair-is-fair, equals, does not work. In fact, it undermines a marriage, long-term. The real mindset is “all-in/all-in,” creating a team…a WE.. Which is a process. You don’t accomplish it at your wedding. But hopefully, you start it there.
Many haven’t made the shift. Instead of WE, they try to stick with you/me. Which slips into “you vs. me.” It slips into the spreadsheet marriage, looking for the balance. The balance that each person judges from their side of the scale…tilted in their favor. And they start pulling back, stuck in “If you don’t, I won’t / If you do, I will” mentality.
The house of cards starts tilting, headed toward collapse.
So, how do you make the shift? How do you choose the team path, the path to WE? While I cover this concept much more deeply in my Save The Marriage System, let’s get started here.
It starts with mindset. Think WE: “WE are in this together,” is not working. Butthey don’t know what to do, instead.of being a WE is encompassed in simply how you think about the relationship. Think in terms of equal, 50/50, you/me, and that is what you form. Think of it as a WE, and that is what you form.
Make decision to the WE. Many times, the decisions are what shape the relationship. If you see the option as “What is best for me or what is best for you?” the choice is binary. There is a loser and a winner. The other option is to consider, “What is best for US?” That opens the third option. The one toward being a WE.
Be ALL IN. If you find yourself thinking what your spouse is contributing, in comparison to what you are contributing, switch to ALL IN thinking. You are in it, bringing your best self, to get youself, WE, and the family, to the best outcome.
Don’t keep score! Many couples tell me about the score-keeping. And it is always in frustration, not celebration. Who initiated sex…and who didn’t. Who cleaned…and who didn’t. Who planned time together…and who didn’t. They failed to see that they had sex, the tasks completed, and they had time together. See the wins for what is done…not what the other “didn’t do.” (A fact your spouse would likely debate, anyway.)
Ask yourself, “What can I do for my relationship,” not “What have you done for me?” When we are looking for what we get, we trap ourselves in scarcity and doubt. When we ask about our own contribution, and how we can be more invested, more loving, more supportive…more WE, we shift to abundance.
This lie, that marriage is 50/50, causes more relationships to be sucked dry of love than any other. Each person plays smaller and smaller, out to match the input (at least the perceived input) of a spouse. When the input is restricted, the output is also restricted. Marriages grow when both people seek to grow it. Growth involves investment and nurture. Play on the team, to the best of your abilities. That is how teams win.
Don’t go 50/50. Be ALL IN.
(If you missed the first lie about marriage, CHECK IT OUT RIGHT HERE. And if you missed the second lie, CHECK IT OUT RIGHT HERE. And if you missed the third lie, CHECK IT OUT RIGHT HERE.)