Breaking Out of the Pause Button Marriage: What You Can Control When Your Spouse Won't Change

How one person can revive a struggling marriage...

Sep 15, 2025

When You're the Only One Trying: How One Person Can Revive a Struggling Marriage

A roadmap for rekindling connection when your spouse seems checked out

clear and white compass with ruler on map illustration — Photo by Hendrik Morkel on Unsplash

If you're reading this, chances are you're carrying the weight of your marriage on your shoulders. You're likely the one buying the books, listening to the podcasts, maybe even getting help alone while your spouse remains distant, defensive, or simply disengaged. You might be wondering: "Can one person really save a marriage?"

The answer isn't simple, but it's hopeful: While you can't single-handedly save your marriage, you absolutely can create the conditions for connection to return. You can stop the downward spiral. You can begin to revive what feels dead or dying.

But first, you need to understand what really went wrong. And it's probably not what you think.

The Pause Button Marriage: When Love Goes on Hold

Think back to your wedding day. Remember that feeling of connection, the certainty that this person was your person, the excitement about building a life together? You got married because you were in love and felt deeply connected.

But then something happened. Life happened.

At some point after the "I do's," you both unconsciously hit what I call the "Pause Button" on your marriage. Maybe it was when the first child arrived and sleep became a luxury. Maybe it was during that career-building phase when 60-hour weeks felt necessary. Perhaps it was when aging parents needed care, or when financial stress mounted, or when the demands of daily life simply consumed all your emotional energy.

You told yourself (and maybe even each other) that this was temporary. "Once things settle down, we'll focus on us again." "After this busy season, we'll reconnect." "The marriage will be waiting for us."

Here's the truth that no one tells you: marriages can't be paused. Relationships are either growing or declining. There is no neutral ground, no maintenance mode, no holding pattern that preserves what you once had.

When you hit pause on your marriage, it doesn't freeze in that beautiful state of early connection. There is no “suspended animation” for a marriage (or really, any relationship).

Instead, it begins to slowly disconnect and die. The intimacy fades. The friendship erodes. The partnership becomes purely functional. Before you know it, you're living like roommates at best, adversaries at worst.

If this describes your marriage, know this: you're not broken, and neither is your spouse. You've simply fallen victim to one of the most common relationship patterns of our time.

The good news? Understanding this is the first step toward changing it.

Then what? Glad you asked.

Why Focusing on What You Can't Control Keeps You Stuck

When marriages start struggling, most people's instinct is to focus on what their partner needs to do differently. If only they would communicate more. If only they would show more affection. If only they would prioritize the relationship. If only they would go to counseling, read this book, have that conversation.

This approach feels logical, but it's a trap. You're essentially putting the key to your happiness and your marriage's future in someone else's pocket. Someone who may be resistant, hurt, overwhelmed, or simply checked out.

Ginny discovered this the hard way. For months, she'd been trying to convince her husband, Gary, to "work on their marriage." She'd leave articles on his pillow, suggest date nights (which he'd grudgingly attend but clearly didn't enjoy), and initiate long conversations about their relationship that always seemed to end in arguments or his withdrawal. The harder she tried to get him to engage, the more he pulled away.

"I felt like I was chasing someone who was running from me," Ginny told me. "But I didn't know what else to do."

What Ginny needed… what you might need… is a complete shift in focus. Instead of trying to control what you can't control (your spouse's choices, feelings, and actions), you need to reclaim power over what you absolutely can control.

This is where the real work begins.

The 3 A's: Your True Circle of Influence

When everything feels chaotic and your spouse seems unreachable, it's easy to feel powerless. But you're not. You have tremendous power over three crucial areas that can transform not just your marriage, but your entire experience of life. I call them the 3 A's: Aspirations, Attitude, and Actions.

Aspirations: Choosing What You Want

Aspirations aren't wishful thinking or naive optimism. They're the conscious choice of what you want to experience, achieve, and become — in your marriage and in life. You can't guarantee you'll get what you aspire to, but you can absolutely choose what you aspire to.

This might seem obvious, but many people in struggling marriages have stopped aspiring to anything positive. They've shifted from "I want to feel connected with my spouse" to "I just want the fighting to stop." From "I want to build a beautiful life together" to "I want to survive this."

When Gary seemed completely disinterested in their relationship, Ginny realized she had stopped envisioning what she actually wanted their marriage to look like. She'd become so focused on what was wrong that she'd lost sight of what could be right.

"I spent some time really thinking about what I wanted," she reflected. "Not what I wanted him to do, but what I wanted to experience in our marriage. I wanted to feel like teammates again. I wanted to laugh together. I wanted to feel desired and appreciated. I wanted us to create memories instead of just managing responsibilities."

Even if your spouse is resistant or checked out, you can still choose aspirations for yourself: "I want to show up as the person I'm proud to be. I want to respond from love rather than fear. I want to create peace in our home, regardless of the chaos around me."

Your aspirations become your compass, guiding your decisions even when… especially when… your spouse isn't moving in the same direction.

Attitude: The Direction You Point

Attitude isn't about forced positivity or pretending everything is fine. It's about the fundamental direction you point your mind: toward possibility or toward impossibility, toward growth or toward stagnation, toward "we can figure this out" or toward "this is hopeless."

This is essentially the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. A fixed mindset says, "This is just how we are. This is just how he is. People don't change. We're too far gone." A growth mindset says, "We can learn. We can grow. We can figure this out. This challenge can teach us something valuable."

When your spouse is resistant, a growth mindset sounds like: "I don't know how to reach him right now, but I can learn. I don't know what will work, but I can experiment. This is hard, but I can grow stronger and wiser through it."

Notice the difference? You're not denying the difficulty or pretending your spouse will magically change. You're simply pointing yourself toward possibility rather than impossibility.

Lisa's husband had become increasingly critical and distant over their fifteen-year marriage. For years, she'd operated from a fixed mindset: "He's just negative. This is who he is. Our marriage is probably over." When she shifted to a growth mindset, everything changed: "I don't understand why he's become so critical, but I can learn to respond differently. I can discover what might help us reconnect. I can become the kind of person who creates safety instead of defensiveness."

That shift in attitude, from fixed to growth, opened up possibilities that simply didn't exist before.

Actions: What You Do and Don't Do, Say and Don’t Say

Actions are the most obvious of the 3 A's, but they're only effective when grounded in clear aspirations and a growth attitude. Actions include what you say and don't say, what you do and don't do, how you respond and don't respond.

This is where many people get confused. They think, "But I can't control my actions! When he criticizes me, I just react!" This is where we need to be honest: you can absolutely control your actions, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

When Tom's wife became increasingly cold and withdrawn, his default action was to pursue her with questions, complaints, and attempts to "fix" whatever was wrong. These actions, while understandable, consistently pushed her further away.

"I realized I was like a dog chasing a cat," Tom said. "The more I chased, the faster she ran. I had to learn completely different actions.” (I talk about the Chaser/Spacer dynamic, and shifting to Pacer HERE.)

Instead of pursuing, Tom learned to create space, to actually pace. Instead of asking what was wrong, he began noticing and appreciating what was right. Instead of trying to force conversations about their relationship, he started having conversations about her interests, her day, her thoughts on things that mattered to her.

These weren't manipulation tactics. They were actions grounded in his aspiration to reconnect and his attitude that connection was possible.

Maintaining Balance When Emotions Run High

There’s something that no one tells you about working on your marriage alone. It's emotionally exhausting. You'll have moments of hope followed by crushing disappointment. You'll wonder if you're being foolish or wise, patient or enabling.

This is why balance is crucial. Balance means creating some separation between your emotions and your choices. It means being able to feel hurt while still acting from love. It means being able to feel frustrated while still moving toward your aspirations.

The Power of System Shortcuts

When emotions are running high — and they will — you need simple tools that can quickly recalibrate your direction. I call these "system shortcuts," and they're designed to be used in the heat of the moment when your brain isn't thinking clearly.

System Shortcut #1: "What Would Love Do?"

When you're feeling triggered, hurt, or reactive, pause and ask yourself this simple question: "What would love do right now?" Not "What do I feel like doing?" or "What would get my point across?" but "What would love do?"

Love might choose to walk away rather than escalate. Love might choose to listen instead of defend. Love might choose to say something kind instead of something cutting. This question cuts through the emotional fog and connects you with your deeper values.

System Shortcut #2: "Pause and Return to Values"

When the moment feels too intense, when you're about to say or do something you might regret, simply pause. Take a breath. Then ask yourself: "What do I value most in this situation? What kind of person do I want to be right now?" Then let those values guide your next action.

Maybe you value peace over being right. Maybe you value your marriage over winning this argument. Maybe you value your children's sense of safety over expressing your frustration in this moment.

The 20-30 Minute Reset

When you feel emotionally overwhelmed… and you will… implement a 20-30 minute breather. This isn't about avoiding the situation; it's about giving your nervous system time to regulate so you can respond rather than react.

Tell your spouse (calmly), "I need a few minutes to collect my thoughts. Let's continue this conversation in half an hour." Then actually use that time to breathe, walk, journal, or do whatever helps you return to center.

Avoiding the Emotional Mistakes That Push Love Away

When you're desperate to reconnect with a resistant spouse, it's easy to fall into patterns that actually create more distance. Here are the most common emotional mistakes I see, and why they backfire:

Mistake #1: Using Shame or Coercion to Motivate

"You never help around the house." "You don't care about our marriage." "You're being selfish." "Other husbands do XYZ for their wives."

These statements might be true, but they're also shame-based attempts to motivate change. And shame never motivates positive change. It only creates defensiveness, withdrawal, or counter-attack.

Instead: Focus on specific requests without character assassination. "I'd love your help with dinner tonight" works better than "You never help in the kitchen."

Mistake #2: The Relationship Talk

You know the conversation. You've scripted it in your head. You have your points prepared, your examples ready, your arguments polished. You're going to finally make them understand what's wrong with your marriage and convince them to change.

Here's the problem: they have their own script too. And the moment you start yours, they start theirs. Nobody listens because everybody's waiting for their turn to deliver their prepared remarks.

Instead: Replace "relationship talks" with genuine curiosity. Instead of telling them what's wrong, ask questions about their experience. "How are you feeling about us lately?" opens up possibility in a way that "We need to talk about our marriage" shuts it down.

Mistake #3: Threats Opposite to What You Want

"If you don't start paying attention to our marriage, I'm going to leave." "I can't keep doing this forever." "Maybe we should just get divorced."

These threats might get temporary attention, but they move you further from your actual goal. If you want more connection, threatening disconnection doesn't make sense.

Instead: Express your genuine hopes and fears without ultimatums. "I miss feeling close to you, and I'm willing to work toward that" is much more powerful than any threat.

Mistake #4: Triangulating Others

Complaining to his mother about how he treats you. Getting your friends to agree that your spouse is wrong. Using the children as messengers or allies.

Triangulation feels satisfying in the moment (“finally, someone understands!”) but it damages trust and gives your spouse a reason to withdraw further.

Instead: Keep your marriage between you and your spouse. If you need support, work with a counselor or coach who can help you improve your approach rather than just validate your complaints.

Mistake #5: Grand Gestures and Desperate Efforts

Planning elaborate surprise dates for someone who's withdrawn. Writing long love letters to someone who isn't responding to simple conversation. Making big promises about how you'll change if only they'll give the marriage another chance.

These efforts come from a loving place, but they often feel overwhelming to a resistant spouse. They can create pressure and obligation rather than genuine desire.

Instead: Start small. Focus on consistent, small improvements in your daily interactions rather than grand gestures that might feel forced or desperate.

When Your Spouse Seems Completely Checked Out

"But what if my spouse is completely resistant? What if they won't even acknowledge there's a problem? What if they've already said they want out?"

These are the hardest situations, and they require the most self-control and wisdom. But they're not hopeless.

When Maria's husband told her he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore, her instinct was to panic, pursue, and convince. Instead, she took a different approach.

"I told him I understood he was struggling, and I didn't want him to feel pressured. I said I was going to work on being the best version of myself and creating the most positive environment I could, not to manipulate him, but because that's who I wanted to be regardless."

Then she focused entirely on the 3 A's. Her aspiration was to create a peaceful, joyful home environment. Her attitude was that people can rediscover love when they don't feel pressured or criticized. Her actions were small, consistent improvements in how she treated him and herself.

"I stopped asking about our relationship. I stopped trying to process everything with him. I just started being kinder, more playful, more like the person he originally fell in love with."

The key here isn't that Maria's approach was guaranteed to work. Instead, it’s that it was sustainable for her regardless of the outcome. She wasn't performing for his approval; she was genuinely becoming someone she was proud to be.

Creating Connection Through Your Own Changes

Here's something most people don't understand: connection isn't something you create with someone. Connection is something you create as someone, and then invite others to join.

Think about the people you most enjoy being around. They're probably not the ones who are trying hardest to connect with you. They're the ones who are genuinely connected to themselves, to their values, to their joy. Their connection is attractive because it's authentic, not needy.

When James's wife became distant and critical, his first instinct was to defend himself and argue back. But he realized this was just creating more disconnection.

"I started asking myself: 'Who do I want to be in this marriage?' Not who did I want her to be, but who did I want to be. I wanted to be someone who stayed calm under pressure. I wanted to be someone who could hear criticism without getting defensive. I wanted to be someone who could stay loving even when I didn't feel loved."

As James began embodying these qualities, something shifted. His wife's criticism didn't stop immediately, but it lost its power over him. And gradually, as he stopped reacting defensively, she began to soften.

"It's like I created this peaceful space," he said, "and eventually she wanted to be in that space with me."

Small Actions, Big Changes

The transformation of a marriage happens through small, consistent actions, not dramatic gestures. When you're working alone to improve your relationship, these small actions become even more important.

Create micro-moments of appreciation. Instead of waiting for your spouse to do something obviously wonderful, look for small things to acknowledge. "Thanks for taking the trash out." "I noticed you were patient with the kids this morning." "That dinner was really good."

Practice emotional regulation in real time. When your spouse says something that typically triggers you, pause for just three seconds before responding. Use that pause to ask, "What would love do?" or "What do I value most right now?"

Become genuinely curious about their inner world. Instead of focusing on what they're doing wrong in the marriage, get curious about their life. What's stressing them at work? What are they excited about? What do they think about current events, or that movie, or that thing they read?

Create positive emotional experiences. You can't force intimacy, but you can create opportunities for positive emotions. This might be playing music they like while cooking dinner, suggesting a walk around the neighborhood, or sharing something funny you saw online.

Stop managing their emotions. If they're in a bad mood, you don't have to fix it, change it, or take responsibility for it. You can be present without being reactive. You can be supportive without being controlling.

Your Marching Orders: What to Do Starting Today

Ready to start creating change in your marriage? Here are your immediate action steps:

Today:

Write down your aspirations for your marriage. Not what you want your spouse to do, but what you want to experience and create. Be specific and positive.
Identify one emotional mistake from the list above that you've been making. Commit to stopping that behavior immediately.
Choose one system shortcut ("What would love do?" or "Pause and return to values") and use it the next time you feel triggered.

This Week:

Practice the 20-30 minute reset at least once when you feel emotionally overwhelmed.
Look for three small things your spouse does that you can genuinely appreciate, and acknowledge them.
Replace any "relationship talk" with a genuine question about their inner world.

This Month:

Focus consistently on the 3 A's. Each morning, remind yourself of your aspirations, choose a growth attitude, and plan actions that align with your values.
Notice patterns in your interactions. When do things go well? When do they go poorly? What can you control in those moments?
Begin creating more positive emotional experiences in your home without making them about fixing your marriage.

Remember: you're not trying to manipulate your spouse into loving you. You're becoming someone so genuinely connected to love, peace, and joy that others naturally want to be in that space with you.

The Hope You're Looking For

I know this feels overwhelming. I know you wish your spouse would read this article, do this work, and meet you halfway. I know you're tired of being the only one trying.

But here's what I've learned from working with hundreds of couples: when one person genuinely commits to the 3 A’s — when they get clear on their aspirations, embrace a growth attitude, and consistently choose loving actions — it creates a ripple effect that's impossible to ignore.

You can't control whether your spouse will ultimately choose to join you in rebuilding your marriage. But you can control whether you become the kind of person who creates connection rather than disconnection, peace rather than chaos, hope rather than despair.

And here's the beautiful truth: that person you become through this process? That person is worthy of love, regardless of what your spouse chooses. That person will create better relationships, not just with your spouse, but with your children, your friends, and most importantly, with yourself.

Your marriage might be on pause, but your life doesn't have to be. Your growth doesn't have to be. Your capacity for love and joy doesn't have to be.

It's time to press play. On becoming who you're meant to be!

Want Help Making the Shift?

If this article hit home and you are working on the marriage by yourself, you’re not alone. And you’re not helpless.

I’ve created several resources that can guide you step-by-step toward working on your relationship alone:

The Connection Compass

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