Something Vs. Everything
(Would you rather listen to this article? Happy to read it to you. Just hit the Play button above.)
The other day, this guy emails me for some help. He sent me about 30 links to articles about how to save a marriage. He wanted me to go through them, and tell him which ones he should do (!).
First, I told him I was not really his researcher, and second, I applauded him for actually wondering if everything he found might be useful.
I’m sure you have seen plenty of things on the internet that you knew were false. Some of it might even be dangerous. You know there are scams everywhere out there. You know there are fake headlines and false stories.
So, you probably do what most people do when looking at things from the internet — they take them with a grain of salt! Maybe even a sprinkle!
And yet, in my (many) years of working with people, mostly internet-based, I have seen lots of people go down some pretty useless (and often destructive) rabbit holes as they tried to find a way to turn things around in their marriage.
Don’t be that person!
Who is that person? They do a search like, “how to save my marriage,” see the links, and start pulling out little things from each one. They are choosing an action here, picking an action there, mixing them together, and hoping for something good.
That is not likely to happen.
Let’s say you decide to cook a little something in your kitchen. You aren’t sure what. But something. So, you start grabbing this and that, regardless of taste profile, and you just start mixing.
You aren’t sure what it is, but everything in it is edible, so what could go wrong??
LOTS! First, some things react with others. Second, some tastes just do not go with others. Third, proportions matter. And fourth, you never even had a clear plan on what you were doing. Yes, you were cooking. But what were you cooking?
That is the same problem I see with many people. They did a search (kind of like deciding to cook), and they never looked to see if things fit together. They just started mixing things in.
And then, they are surprised when things don’t get better (and they often get worse!).
Then, there are other people. They do the search. They even find some ideas they study and like… and then they… do nothing.
Don’t be that person!
I have a friend who says they have thousands of recipes in their Pinterest account.
Thousands!
But they never cook. Ever!
They have a very well-stocked kitchen with plenty of gadgets. They shop for some pretty nice ingredients. And they have the recipes. But they never cook. Ever!
All the prep, all the research… no action.
Trying to everything, that won’t work. But doing nothing, that won’t work either!
In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode, I talked about mistakes people make in getting help for their marriage. One that I discussed is “doing nothing.” People know their marriage is in trouble, but they fail to take any action to change things. (I don’t think that is you, since you are here.)
I discussed this as an “unforced error” in my VIP training this week. Why “unforced”? Because we always have a choice of taking some action. And therefore, doing nothing is also a choice.
So, what DO you do??
Take away time!
You (drum roll, please!) take action.
Concerted effort, in the right direction, with clarity on your goal.
My Save The Marriage System is based on saving your marriage with the 3 C’s of Connecting with your spouse, Changing yourself, and Creating a new path for your marriage. My suggestion is, you look to make sure any advice you see, hear, or read, fits into that approach. If not, it is likely either ineffective or counter-productive.
In a coming article, I will share the 5 C’s of carrying out that process.