Starting Here, Now
Do you have to “accept” how things are??
Way back, at the beginning of my career, I was a chaplain in the hospital. I covered the second shift (and any crisis that came up from the student chaplains). That gave me lots of time to deal with patients and family left in a lurch from the departing doctors.
Many times, the doctor would come in, dump some horrible news or diagnosis… and exit for the day. On the way out the door, they would turn to me, the chaplain, and tell me, “You need to get them to accept this.”
Many times, families and patients were hunting for a treatment option, a way out of their crisis. I came to learn that when a doctor pronounced a “death sentence of a diagnosis,” they weren’t much interested in this line of questioning by the patient or patient’s family.
If you aren’t familiar with Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, she was a death researcher. While working with terminal patients, she noticed there were five stages of this grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These were potential stages one might go through, when faced with death. Might go through. They didn’t have to. They might.
But many took that to mean you must. The goal was to dash through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. So that they could get to “acceptance.” And if that wasn’t enough — trying to force people into and through every stage — acceptance was often seen as basically giving in and giving up. You were to accept your demise, make peace with it, and wait it out.
Unfortunately, that is exactly what many people think of when faced with a challenge. They equate “acceptance” with giving up — accepting the fate. It is NOT about accepting the current situation, but about giving up.
I struggled to see it that way, back then. And I absolutely do not see it that way anymore. No, acceptance is not the same as giving up. Not at all. (Unless, of course, you decide it to be that.)
So, let’s turn to your marriage situation. Maybe things aren’t good, maybe they are actually at a very bad place. Maybe some (even your spouse) thinks the marriage is terminal — headed for divorce.
Many times, in the midst of a marriage crisis, friends, family, even a spouse, says, “You just need to accept this and let it end. Just accept it.”
Let’s apply what we have discussed above. Yes, you DO need to accept where your marriage is — the current situation. That is not the same of saying, “Yep, the situation is hopeless… I’m helpless.” You see, that old model of acceptance renders you helpless. The conclusion is already determined.
Except, well, that is not really what acceptance is. Acceptance really is about seeing where you are. It is the starting point. Not the foregone conclusion.
This little thing, The Connection Compass, think about that. A compass is great to point you in the right direction. I used to use it all the time when I was orienteering and adventure racing. We could use it to plot our course, make sure we were moving in the right direction, and find our way through some pretty confusing things.
The compass was, however, useless… if we did not first know where were were, at that moment, when we were using the compass. No direction mattered if we didn’t know where we were. That was the nature of following the map, using a compass to navigate. The compass AND the map were very helpful… IF we knew where we were — our starting point.
So, yes, you do have to accept the marriage crisis. Meaning, you need to accept that the marriage is not where it needs to be, and that you have to find a better way forward. That is different than accepting the marriage has no hope!
I have seen far too many marriages come back from the brink. (I have also seen far too many marriages end, when they didn’t have to.) And I know there is only one way to find out if your marriage can be saved and improved. That way? Trying. Taking action. Accepting where you are, then plotting a course to where you want to be.
That is the reason for The Connection Compass. Let’s get you moving in the RIGHT direction… starting with where you are.