The Dark Matter of Regret
How to shift away from regret in your life
Are you familiar with dark matter? According to astrophysicists, it accounts for 85% of the universe, is essential in the formation of galaxies… and is still a bit of a mystery.
It is also a novel by Blake Crouch. It has been adapted into a streaming series on Apple. And I am “reading” it. Well, I am listening to the audio version. Because of my dyslexia, reading is more tiring than enjoyable. So, I listen to novels. I read because I need to. I listen to enjoy it.
Since I am maybe ½ way through, this isn’t going to be a spoiler. But I am going to give a little of the opening plot. Let’s start with a theory in physics: the multiverse. According to that theory, multiple universes exists in perhaps an almost infinite way, each based on different forks in the road — choices or circumstances. To bring it to the personal, every choice you make leads to another universe where you made a different choice.
In the novel, the main character is caught in a maze of worlds, opened up by another version of himself, that made different choices earlier in life… and is now making a shift in his own future.
I mostly have time to listen to the book when I am walking in the morning, so I make through perhaps an hour to 90 minutes at a time. My wife (who loves reading), on the other hand, finished it in a day.
We’ve talked about the book together, and one thing I noted is it made me reflect on the choices I/we have made over the years. What if she had decided to go to another grad school when we were thinking about our future? What if I had accepted that job in Canada, when our kids were young? What if I had accepted a number of other job offers? What if I hadn’t started writing way back in ‘98? What if… what if… what if?
(According to the theory, there is a version of me and us that did make a different choice, creating multiple branches of universes out there! 🤯)
Over the years of being a therapist, and then a coach, I have heard the stories of regret, of wishing to go back and do things differently. But, as far as we know, time moves in one direction. So, until we can time travel (another of Crouch’s books, by the way), we can’t revisit.
We can just regret.
Or not!
What leads to regret? A sudden awareness that the path you are on is not leading to where you wanted… and being able to see there could have been a different one.
Years ago, I was a chaplain in a hospital, covering 2nd shift. Most of the time, I was the sole chaplain on duty, at a time when families had gone home and staff were less present. It was those evening and early night hours where, if alone, you might be thinking and reflecting. Especially if you were in the midst of a medical crisis.
I held lots of hands and accompanied lots of people through dark nights of the soul. I listened, tried to comfort, and learned a lot. I heard the regrets, the concerns, and the fears. The normal human ones: have I done enough, loved enough, been enough? What was it all about? What was important? What now?
It took me some time, but that period of my life helped me clarify how I wanted to live my life. Well, to be fair, those lessons didn’t really fully take root until I had a medical crisis. Until it was me facing an unsure and rather bleak future. At that time, my regret was really about not being around longer to see my kids through more of life.
As you can guess, that medical crisis resolved better than we had expected. Which left me with my own fork in the road. Would I keep on pushing forward the way I had been, not taking care of myself? Or would I do better? I was pretty good, even in the busyness I had created, to focus on relationships. It was a matter of asking, “How do I want to spend my Bonus Time (the time I thought I would not get)?”
My first rule: Taking care of myself is not last on the list. My body is the tool that will carry my mind into the world. No body, no me. So, time to nourish, nurture, and care for my body. Yes, my body will still wear out. But I’ll enjoy the ride better this way!
My second rule: Relationships matter, so make them matter. The closer the person, the more it matters. That puts my spouse at the top of the list. My kids and family next. My friends next. Just like my body requires attention, so do relationships. Time and energy matter. But you know what? The longest lasting study on happiness shows one factor determines it for you: relationships. Accumulate all you want, achieve all you want, and happiness will elude you if you don’t have loving relationships around you.
My third rule: Prioritize by what brings meaning and purpose. I have turned down quite a few deals and offers because they didn’t further what brought meaning, what held my purpose. In fact, the biggest blunder of my financial life was launching a company that was outside of my purpose. It went belly-up, and threw us into financial crisis. We climbed out — which taught me a ton — but looking back, it violated this rule.
My fourth rule: I am responsible for my actions. I am responsible for my reactions. But I am not responsible for someone else’s actions or reactions. I can only control what I can actually control. This one took me awhile. I have only three things I can control: my Aspirations, Attitude, and Actions. I can control what I want to move toward, how I approach it, and the actions I take to get there. Period. Nothing else. Not what someone else aspires to. Not someone else’s attitude. Not someone else’s actions. I can’t control external events around me. But I can choose how I respond. When I am frustrated, I ask, “Is this in my control? What can I control?” The rest, I work to release.
My fifth rule: Always remember the second thought. Many times, we have heard someone say, “On second thought….” We would all do well to think that. Our first thought is often an instinctive, learned one. It is ingrained and automatic. And not necessarily where you want things to be. The “old tapes” play first. Then, we can choose our second thought. The one that moves us forward. And instead of feeling bad about that first thought, remember that you chose to grow forward, to take a second thought. It is likely better. And if you happen to see that your second thought is in alignment with your first thought, it is more likely representing where you are right now (which may change later on… or not).
My sixth rule: This moment is the one I have. I can’t change the moments that came before, and I can’t know the moment that is next. Living in regret or in anxiety is usually about living in the past or future. The present represents enough of a challenge. Choose to spend your energy there, learning from the past moment and preparing for the future moment. Possibilities branch before us, but we can’t do anything until the choice is here. Or as my Mom always told me, “Don’t cross the bridge until you get to it.” Wise advice. And quit crossing the bridges you’ve already traversed!
“No Regrets!”
Sounds like a bit of a battle cry, doesn’t it? Charging into the fray of it, yelling, “NO REGRETS!!” But is that really possible? Is it possible to live a life with no regrets? Or is it just human nature to have regrets?
Over the years, I’ve had plenty of people telling me they are living their lives with “no regrets.” That is, until they sit a bit with me. Then, I hear about the second-guessing, the mistakes, the missed opportunities – the regrets!
To be fair, there have been a handful of individuals that really did live with no regrets. All had one thing in common. They were sociopathic. In other words, they lived with no regrets because they did not care about how they might have affected (and hurt) other people. A couple of them even told me that they had only one regret: not acting more ruthlessly, more aggressively! The regret was not having taken even MORE advantage of others!
But, for the rest of us, perhaps living with no regrets is more aspirational than reality. Maybe we could look at it as something to work toward, really in two directions. First, perhaps it is more helpful to make choices that will leave us with no (or less) regret down the line. And second, perhaps it is more about accepting a regret, learning from it, then turning back toward your path of life.
The Path of Less Regret
I have had the opportunity, for various odd reasons, to meet a number of people who told me they could foretell the future. I won’t judge whether they actually believed that or not (that’s on them). I suspect some did, and others were playing out their own con.
But I will say that I don’t believe in the capacity of fortune telling. There are simply too many factors (including our own behavior) for the predictions to hit reality. In other words, I don’t think humans can or should know their future. I suspect that, like the observer effect in quantum physics, knowing your supposed future would alter that future.
Since we cannot foretell the future, we cannot guarantee the effect of our actions. Which means that there will be times when you make your best choice… and it does not go as you would have liked. The outcome will not match your prediction, your hope, or your desire. Other circumstances and others’ actions interplay with your own actions.
That does not give us license to not consider the implications of our actions. Just that we cannot guarantee the outcome of actions. So, we can only do one thing.
We can only do our best to take the best action for results that match our values and our purpose. There is one clear path to regret: taking action that violates your own values. Because that action is tough to live into. Deep within most of us, there is a calculation on how an action either matches or violates our innate sense of values.
How to live with less regret? Choose actions that are congruent with your values and your purpose, even if inconvenient. Even if imperfect. Even if pressured. Choose actions in alignment with what is most important to you.
The Path from Regret
But what about regret you carry with you?
The feeling of regret does not serve you or your life. It serves to anchor you to past actions and inactions.
Does that mean you should never feel regret? No. Regret can be a message to you. It is often your internal warning system that you took (or failed to take) action that is in alignment with what you value and believe. That gives room for learning and change.
When experiencing regret, examine your actions – was it a matter of misalignment? If so, there is a message to be learned. Why did you choose the action? What might you do the next time, so that you are more aligned between values and actions? How can you shore up your choices and decisions, so you are aligned?
Or regret can be a clear message that you cannot control all outcomes. Let’s assume you did act from your values and purpose… and you still have regret. Perhaps the outcome is not what you would have wanted. You can feel regret, but it be somewhat misplaced.
People take action, doing the best they can, where they are right now. But what happens next is often beyond your control. And there are times when decisions are between actions that all hold to some level of values. So, even if you chose within your values, there may have been other options that included other values – and those choices can exclude different values.
You choose to do A, because it includes a certain number of values. But option B includes other values that are also important. In making a choice that is aligned, you can still exclude other options that include values.
From here, you work on releasing the regret, acknowledging you chose the best you could. And the world is sometimes not a matter of clearly defined right/wrong choices. There are gradients. And choices must still be made. Otherwise, you risk an option that contains none of your values.
Knowing and accepting this is a step toward releasing the regret and accepting your human limitations. Then, you can follow a path away from regret – toward self-release.
When we learn a lesson, we have to let the regret go. Otherwise, it simply weighs you down. And once you learn the lesson, you head down the path of less regret.
”Is It Really THAT Simple?”
Well, yes, it really is that simple. But never confuse simple with easy. Something can be simple and direct. But because of our thought habits, we more easily revert to prior ways of thinking and processing.
Which is why you can put this “less regret” approach into the category of a practice. In other words, you have to practice it until the new approach becomes your normal approach. Until it becomes your new thought habit.
Regret without change is a waste of energy and a pit of emotional turmoil. But you can reorient and live with regret-less (less regret).