The Expectation Trap
I knew we were in trouble, not five minutes into the conversation. Both people in my office were bristly with each other, arms and legs crossed. Each hugged their end of the couch. It took very little “body language translation” to know that things were not good.
But no, that was not why I thought we were in trouble.
It was what she said, “Well, I expected….”
You don’t even need to know what she was expecting. It is fairly irrelevant. The problem… the trap… was already set.
The Expectation Trap, as I call it. It was just waiting. And then, it snapped.
I don’t think I have ever seen a useful or productive conversation start with “I expect(ed).”
But I have sure seen my share of damages that come from that same conversation.
Do you see the issue?
Let me make it clear: Expectations. That’s the problem. That is the trap set-up. Not just saying it, but having them… expectations, I mean.
Having had this discussion many times, I can… um… expect that you are thinking, “What’s wrong with expectations?? You have to have them!”
Well, first, I am not sure you actually do have to have them. But secondly, if you want to have them, that is up to you. I merely want to point out the trap that expectations cause.
Why the problem?
Let’s start with why expectations are a problem… a trap, waiting to spring.
An expectation, whether internal or external, means that you are carrying a belief that something will or should happen in the future. If you place it in the context of a relationship, the “happen” is based on the (in)actions of another person. So, it is a present belief in a future event that you believe should happen. And if you are expecting it of another person, it is because of their (in)action — them doing or not doing something.
So, first, it places the responsibility on someone else, but removes their control. They can’t choose what they want to do (without potentially disappointing you), but might feel responsible to do it — so as to not disappoint you.
Expectations are bound in a belief of control.
And as Brené Brown has pointed out, “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” When someone does not meet your expectation, you are disappointed. And that disappointment often breeds resentments. (Resentment is usually some disappointment with anger stirred in.)
But meeting an expectation isn’t really doing much, either. So, potential down-side, but very limited up-side.
Meeting an expectation just gets us to ground zero. You met an expectation. Ground level. That isn’t a very appealing upside. And failing to meet it, you create disappointment (and resentment, in the long run). It isn’t an appealing proposition for the person who is expected. And it isn’t too great for the expecter, either.
Let’s just throw in a hypothetical (actually, the argument with the couple at the beginning). She told him that she expected him to be home by 3pm on a Saturday. He didn’t say anything, but came home at 3:15pm. And they ended up in a long argument about her feelings, his freedom, her control, his rights, blah, blah, blah (I have heard very similar “discussions” with them and others before).
So, let’s assume he actually came in at 2:50pm. He made it by 3pm. Good for him? Nope, he just met the expectation. Ground level.
But he was late (15 minutes!). So, he failed her expectations. Except, it was her expectation. He was just having to live up to it (or not). Net loss.
That’s the thing with expectations. You can only meet him or miss them. Break even or go bust.
See the trap??
No Expectations?
Is it possible to live without expectations? It is certainly possible to live with an understanding of expectations, a desire to minimize them, and a willingness to recognize they do not serve you, your spouse, or your relationship.
So, what is possible? First, I suggest working on Agreements (there are actually three ways to deal with expectations that I share in an audio below for supporting subscribers).
Instead of an expectation, I would suggest you try to create an agreement. Then, both people are on-board and have ownership of the outcome. So, back to my couple: she could have said, “There are a few things on the agenda today, that we agreed to (and I am assuming they had agreed to them earlier), so can we agree on what time you will be home?” Then, if he is late, he broke his agreement. That is a longer conversation. But at least it was clear on both sides, and it wasn’t simply a shifted responsibility.
And yes, this also does require an internal shift in responding when things don’t turn out as you had hoped. First, we can all be open to the fact that as things roll out, they may not always be to our liking. But that is the way they are (we get to work on acceptance). Second, we can recognize the trap we may have set and sprung. And third, it might lead to deeper conversations on being a team and being individuals.
We’ve Only Scratched The Surface!
Because of how strongly I feel about expectations and their dangers, both for relationships and for individuals, I have created a number of trainings on the topic. I have shared them in my Save The Marriage VIP Program.
Not long ago, I did a 3 part series on Expectations and the alternatives. If you are a supporting subscriber, they are available below. If you are not, please consider becoming one. It supports the efforts I put into the podcasts and articles, so that I can keep on making them! Thank you for your support.