The First Important Step...
… on your way to saving your marriage
When I answered my phone, all I could hear was sobbing. No words. Just soft sobbing. I asked again who was calling?
Still, no name. But I did get a little information: “He says it is over, there is nothing left… that the marriage is dead.”
More sobbing.
But at least we had a starting point. I asked for a bit more information. It was a story I have heard way too often. She knew things weren’t quite right, but thought it was “a phase.” It would pass… like it had before. Sure, they had been pretty disconnected.
Things were busy, though. For this couple it was the kids hitting adolescents. For others, it might be even having a child. Or a child going to school. Or graduating. Or going to college. Or… well, you get the picture.
Maybe it isn’t kids. Could be careers. Or other interests and hobbies.
Something comes between you. To be more clear, couples let something come between them. And the gulf starts to widen.
At first, you might not even notice. You just get through a day, then repeat it tomorrow.
Except that on each of those days, the space grows larger. You have reasons, make excuses, but you can feel the distance.
Until one day, one person says, “Enough!”
With that, the charade is up. And you have to face a marriage — your marriage — is in trouble. And the sad thing is, neither of you set out to get to here. It just happened. Little-by-little, piece-by-piece, the distance grows, the connection falters.
Now, you are faced with a choice. Do you fold up and walk away, or do you find a way through?
For many, it just seems easier to walk away. For the most part, when you hit this point, both people are in pain. Both feel hurt… and angry… and disappointed… and unsure what to do.
My caller said, “If I could just turn back the clock! If I could just go back a few years… when we were happy!” I asked, “Were you, though?”
After some reflection the caller admitted, “Well, maybe not happy. But we weren’t on the verge of divorce.”
No, not on the verge of divorce. But they were, unknowingly, headed directly there. On a path that neither knew. Which is why this is so sad. They headed here without knowing where they were headed.
This is the sad truth: most couples who end up divorced, are inadvertently headed toward divorce, not intentionally. But because they didn’t even realize it.
The were disconnecting. And when that happens, you are in trouble. (See my earlier post about this BY CLICKING HERE)
You have to heal the disconnection if you want to get things back on track (find some free training on Healing Disconnection RIGHT HERE.)
As we talked on the phone, the person said she wanted to save her marriage… she thought… but wasn’t sure how to even start that — or if she even should try.
So, I gave her the starting point. Here it is for you:
Write down every reason you have for saving your marriage. It doesn’t matter if it is about the kids, or money, or the house, or embarrassment. It doesn’t matter if it is about the vows you made, or the love you had, or the legacy of divorce you wanted to beat. Write them down. Keep going until you run out of reasons. And don’t continue until you have done that.
Now, mark out every one that starts with “I/We don’t want….” So, if you said, “I don’t want to lose half of my retirement,” or “I don’t want to lose time with the kids,” etc., etc., mark through it. To be clear, it isn’t that those reasons are irrelevant, wrong, insignificant, or anything else. They are important reasons. They just won’t carry you far. They are all fear-motivated. And the problem is, fear is not a great motivator, long-term. Sure, short-term, it will work. People use it all the time to get a quick action. But over time, you adjust, you get used to the fear, and it no longer motivates you enough to make a difference.
Now, look at your other reasons. They are your “WHY’S.” Now, read through them. See if they resonate for you. Place them in order of importance and inspiration. This is your List of WHY’s. When you feel frustrated or confused, when you feel like giving up, come back to this list. They will remind you of what you are doing, why you are doing it, and they point you back toward taking action.
In the many times I have watched people save their marriages, there are moments of doubt and frustration. It is part of the process. If you expect things to easily come together, you are going to be frustrated and disappointed. You might begin to doubt the possibility or your capacity.
Your WHY’s point you back. They are your reminders of why it matters, why you are acting, and what a difference it will make. So put that list somewhere you will remember. Take a look at it from time-to-time. And let’s get busy with turning your marriage around.
