When I first started working with couples in crisis, I noticed something that puzzled me. Two people could come to me with remarkably similar situation. Same level of disconnection, same patterns of conflict, same sense of hopelessness. I’d give them both the same framework, the same tools, the same guidance.
One would transform their marriage. The other would stay stuck.
The difference wasn’t intelligence. It wasn’t commitment. It wasn’t even how bad things had gotten.
The difference was coachability.
Let me tell you about two people who came to my program around the same time.
Sarah’s Story: When “Knowing Better” Isn’t Enough
Sarah reached out to me after fifteen years of marriage that had devolved into what she called “polite roommates who occasionally fight.” Her husband, Mark, had grown distant and critical. He’d stopped initiating any affection. When she tried to talk about their relationship, he’d shut down or get defensive.
Sarah was smart, articulate, and genuinely wanted things to improve. She listened to every podcast episode. She read the articles. She understood the concepts intellectually. She could explain the 3 A’s of what she could control — Aspirations, Attitude, and Actions — perfectly.
But when we’d talk about her actual interactions with Mark, a pattern emerged.
“I tried being more appreciative like you suggested,” she’d say. “I thanked him for taking out the trash. But he didn’t even acknowledge it, so what’s the point?”
When I asked about her tone, intentions, and expectations, when she made requests, she got defensive: “I’m not the problem here. He’s the one who’s checked out.”
When I suggested she might be contributing to his defensiveness with her criticism, she responded: “But he IS defensive. I’m just being honest about what I see.”
And that pretty much became her refrain.
She’d say “I hear you, but...” and then explain why that particular suggestion wouldn’t work with Mark. She knew her husband better than I did, she quickly reminded me. She’d “already tried everything.”
Three months in, Sarah was frustrated. “Nothing’s working,” she told me. “Mark hasn’t changed at all.”
And she was right. Mark hadn’t changed. But neither had Sarah.
Not really. She’d added some new tactics, tried a few techniques, but her fundamental way of being in the relationship remained the same: certain she was right, focused on Mark’s failures, defended against any suggestion that she might need to look at herself differently.
After six months, she left the program. “Maybe some marriages just can’t be saved,” she said.
David’s Story: The Power of “I Don’t Know, But I’m Willing to Learn”
Around the same time, David joined the program. His situation was, if anything, worse than Sarah’s. His wife, Jennifer, had told him she wasn’t sure she loved him anymore. She’d moved into the guest room. She was looking at apartments.
David was devastated. And terrified.
In our first conversation, I asked him what he thought was happening in his marriage. “Honestly?” he said. “I don’t fully know. I know I’ve been difficult to live with. I know I’ve been checked out. But I’m sure there’s more to it that I’m not seeing. That’s why I’m here.”
That phrase, “I’m not seeing,” turned out to be prophetic.
When I suggested David might be pursuing Jennifer in ways that pushed her further away, he didn’t defend himself. He said, “That makes sense. I can feel myself doing it, but I don’t know how to stop. Can you help me understand that better?”
When I pointed out patterns in how he responded to Jennifer’s criticism, he said, “You’re right. I get so defensive. It feels automatic. What am I supposed to do instead?”
The first few weeks were awkward for David. He’d try new approaches and they’d feel forced. “This doesn’t feel natural,” he told me. “I feel like I’m playing a role.”
“That’s normal,” I would say. “You’re developing new muscles. Stay with it.”
And he did. Even when Jennifer didn’t respond immediately. Even when she seemed more distant some days. Even when he had moments of thinking, “This is pointless.”
About two months in, David called me with a realization. “I just saw something,” he said. “Jennifer criticizes me, and I get defensive. Then she gets more critical because I’m being defensive. Then I withdraw because the criticism feels unbearable. Then she gets more critical because I’ve withdrawn. We’re both doing this dance, and I’ve been so focused on her steps that I couldn’t see mine.”
That was David’s Mirror Moment — when he stopped seeing Jennifer as the problem to fix and started seeing the system they’d created together.
Indeed, it was the dance they had learned together and danced together.
Three months in, Jennifer agreed to have a conversation about their relationship. Six months in, she moved back into their bedroom. Nine months in, David told me, “We’re not perfect, but we’re actually connected again. She told me last week that she’s falling back in love with me.”
What made the difference?
Not intelligence. Not commitment. Not even the severity of the crisis.
David was coachable. Sarah wasn’t. At least not yet.
What Coachability Really Means
The question I’ve wrestled with ever since is this: What exactly is coachability? Can it be developed? And if you’re reading this article because your marriage is in crisis and you’re trying to save it alone, how do you become more coachable? Especially when your spouse isn’t (right now).
Because here’s what I’ve come to believe: coachability isn’t just helpful for marriage. It’s essential. It might be the most important trait you can develop, not just for your relationship, but for your entire life.
Coachability is your capacity to receive feedback and make a shift. It’s your willingness to be stretched and your openness to growth. It’s the difference between defending your current way of being and evolving into something better.
And here’s the hopeful part: coachability isn’t a fixed trait you either have or don’t have. It’s something you can develop. Even if you’ve been stuck in patterns for years. Even if you’ve been defensive, rigid, or certain. Even if you’re reading this and thinking, “I’m probably not very coachable.”
The fact that you’re here, reading this, already suggests something important: you’re looking for help. That’s the first sign of coachability.
Now let’s look at what actually makes someone coachable… and how you can develop these traits in yourself, starting today.
Seven Traits of Coachability in Marriage
These traits exist on a spectrum. None of us has them perfectly. All of us struggle with their opposites sometimes. But the more you can cultivate these qualities, the more capacity you’ll have to transform not just your marriage, but your entire approach to life.
1. Curiosity vs. Premature Certainty
The Coachable Approach: “I wonder what I haven’t tried yet. I wonder what I’m not seeing about myself. I wonder how my spouse is experiencing me.”
The Stuck Approach: “I already know what will and won’t work. I know my spouse and they will never change. I’ve tried everything.”
Curiosity is the engine of learning. When you’re curious, you’re open to discovering something new. About yourself, about your spouse, about your relationship patterns. You ask questions instead of making declarations. You explore instead of conclude.
Sarah was stuck in certainty. She already knew Mark was the problem. She already knew what wouldn’t work. She already knew her intentions were good and her spouse’s were questionable. That certainty closed her off from growth. From possibility and potential.
David stayed curious. Even when things felt hopeless, he maintained a posture of “I don’t fully understand this yet.” That curiosity created space for new insights to emerge.
When your marriage is in crisis and you’re working alone to improve it, curiosity sounds like:
“How might I be contributing to this pattern without realizing it?”
“What am I doing that might be making my spouse feel unsafe or defensive?”
“What would happen if I tried something completely different from my usual approach?”
Premature certainty is one of the biggest barriers to growth in marriage. It masquerades as wisdom (”I know my spouse”) but it’s actually a prison. When you’re certain, you stop looking. You stop learning. You stop growing.
How to develop more curiosity: The next time you feel certain about what your spouse is thinking, feeling, or intending, pause. Ask yourself: “What else might be true?” Then, if appropriate, get genuinely curious with your spouse: “Help me understand what you’re experiencing,” instead of “I know exactly what you’re doing.”
2. Growth Mindset vs. Fixed Mindset
The Coachable Approach: “I can learn. I can grow. I can become someone who handles this differently. This challenge can teach me something valuable.”
The Stuck Approach: “This is just how I am. This is just how we are. People don’t really change. We’re too far gone.”
This is Carol Dweck’s famous framework, and it applies powerfully to marriage. A fixed mindset says your abilities, your personality, your relational patterns are essentially set. A growth mindset says you can develop new capacities.
Here’s what’s tricky: most of us have both. You might have a growth mindset about your career (”I can learn new skills”) but a fixed mindset about your marriage (”This is just how we fight, and it’ll never change”). Part of becoming more coachable is identifying where you’ve adopted a fixed mindset and consciously shifting toward growth.
When your spouse is resistant or checked out, a growth mindset sounds like:
“I don’t know how to reach them right now, but I can learn.”
“I don’t know what will work, but I can experiment and adjust.”
“This is hard, but I can grow stronger and wiser through it.”
Notice you’re not saying your spouse will definitely change. You’re not being naively optimistic. You’re simply pointing yourself toward possibility rather than impossibility. You’re staying open to your own growth regardless of what your spouse chooses.
This connects directly to the Attitude piece of the 3 A’s, the fundamental direction you point your mind. A growth mindset is an attitude that says “forward” even when you can’t see the path clearly.
How to develop a growth mindset: Notice when you use language of permanence: “always,” “never,” “that’s just how I am.” Reframe it with language of development: “up until now,” “I’m working on,” “I’m learning to.” Small linguistic shifts can begin to rewire your thinking.
3. Open Receptiveness vs. Closed Defensiveness
The Coachable Approach: “That’s hard to hear, but I’m willing to consider it. Help me understand what you’re seeing.”
The Stuck Approach: “That’s not fair. You don’t understand. You’re wrong about me. Let me explain why you’re seeing this incorrectly.”
Receptiveness doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your spouse says, especially if they’re saying it in a hurtful way. It means staying open to hearing, considering, and processing new information about yourself.
Defensiveness acts like armor. It protects you from feeling criticized or wrong, but it also blocks growth. When you’re defensive, you can’t learn. You’re too busy protecting.
I once had a coach who received very negative feedback from a client. She was wounded for a few days… until she shifted her perspective. “This feedback,” she said, “is free coaching.” She realized that even angry, poorly delivered feedback often contains valuable information, if you can parse it out.
This is especially important in marriage. Your spouse, even when they’re hurt or angry or saying things badly, is often trying to tell you something important. If you can move past the delivery and look for the theme, like how they’re experiencing you, what they need, what’s not working for them, then you gain access to information that can transform your relationship.
When Sarah’s husband would criticize her, she’d immediately defend herself. She’d explain why he was wrong, why he misunderstood, why he was being unfair. She never actually considered whether there might be something true in what he was saying.
When David’s wife would express frustration, even when it came out as criticism, David learned to say: “I hear that I’m doing something that’s not working for you. Help me understand what you need instead.” That receptiveness didn’t feel natural at first. It felt vulnerable. But it created space for actual dialogue instead of defensive argument.
How to develop receptiveness: The next time your spouse criticizes you or gives you feedback (even if it’s delivered poorly), try this: Take a breath. Don’t respond immediately. Instead, ask yourself: “What might be true about this? What can I learn from how they’re experiencing me?” You don’t have to agree with everything. But can you find even one kernel of truth to consider?
4. Accountability vs. Externalized Responsibility
The Coachable Approach: “How am I contributing to this pattern? What’s my part in this dance? What can I do differently?”
The Stuck Approach: “This is happening because of what they’re doing. If they would just change, everything would be fine. It’s not my fault.”
Accountability is the foundation for change. It’s not about blame or fault. It’s about recognizing your role in the patterns that aren’t working. When you externalize responsibility — when you make your spouse the problem — you give away all your power. If it’s entirely their fault, then you can’t do anything until they change.
But when you take accountability, you reclaim your agency. You can’t control your spouse, but you absolutely can control your own Aspirations, Attitude, and Actions (the only three things you can actually control).
This was David’s breakthrough moment, when he saw the dance. Jennifer would criticize, he’d defend, she’d criticize more, he’d withdraw. He couldn’t make Jennifer stop criticizing. But he could absolutely change his defensive response. And when he did, the entire pattern shifted.
Taking accountability doesn’t mean saying, “everything is my fault.” It means asking: “What am I doing that’s contributing to this? How am I participating in this pattern?” That question opens up possibilities that blame keeps closed.
How to develop accountability: When you notice yourself thinking “they always...” or “if only they would...,” pause and ask yourself: “How am I part of this system? What’s my move in this dance?” Even if you’re only 20% responsible for the pattern, that’s the 20% you can change.
5. Adaptability vs. Rigidity
The Coachable Approach: “I’m willing to try something new, even if it feels uncomfortable or unnatural at first.”
The Stuck Approach: “I am who I am. I shouldn’t have to change. This is just how I do things.”
Life changes. Marriages change. What worked in year three might not work in year thirteen. Coachability requires flexibility, the willingness to adapt your approach when your current approach isn’t working.
Rigidity feels safe. Familiar patterns, even painful ones, are comfortable because they’re known. But rigidity keeps you stuck. If you keep doing exactly what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting exactly what you’ve always gotten.
Sarah struggled with this. When I suggested new approaches, like different ways of making requests, different responses to Mark’s criticism, she would often say, “That doesn’t feel like me” or “I shouldn’t have to change who I am.”
But the truth was, who she was being in her marriage wasn’t working.
Adaptation wasn’t about becoming someone else. It was about expanding her repertoire.
David felt awkward trying new approaches too. The difference was, he stayed with the discomfort. He understood that new behaviors feel unnatural at first, like learning any new skill. You don’t refuse to learn tennis because your first swing feels awkward. You expect that; you accept that. It is just part of the process.
How to develop adaptability: Identify one pattern in how you typically respond to your spouse that isn’t working. It might be how you make requests, how you respond to criticism, how you show affection, or how you handle conflict. Commit to trying a completely different approach for two weeks, even if it feels forced or unnatural. New neural pathways take time to develop.
6. Resilience vs. Fragility
The Coachable Approach: “This is hard and painful, but I can handle it. I can bend without breaking. I can keep moving forward even when I don’t see immediate results.”
The Stuck Approach: “This is too hard. I can’t take this anymore. If things don’t improve immediately, I’m giving up.”
Resilience is the ability to persist through difficulty. To stay in the growth process even when it’s uncomfortable, even when progress is slow, even when you have moments of doubt.
Fragility means cracking under pressure. It means needing immediate results or you quit. It means taking every setback as evidence that nothing will ever work.
When you’re trying to improve a marriage alone, resilience is essential. Because change doesn’t happen overnight. Your spouse won’t immediately respond to your new approaches. You’ll have days where everything feels hopeless. You’ll wonder if you’re wasting your time.
David had those moments. There were weeks where Jennifer seemed more distant, not less. There were times when his new approaches didn’t seem to make any difference. But he didn’t let those moments derail him. He stayed committed to his own growth regardless of the immediate outcome.
Resilience doesn’t mean being unaffected by difficulty. It means staying in the process, despite the difficulty. It means showing up again tomorrow, even when today was discouraging.
How to develop resilience: When you feel like giving up, remind yourself: “I’m not doing this to get a specific response from my spouse. I’m doing this because this is who I want to become.” Tie your efforts to your own values and identity, not just to your spouse’s reactions. That makes your growth sustainable, regardless of external outcomes.
7. Self-Reflection vs. Resistance to Reflection
The Coachable Approach: “Let me think about how that interaction went. What was I feeling? What triggered my reaction? What could I do differently next time?”
The Stuck Approach: “I don’t want to think about it. It’s too painful. Let’s just move on. There’s nothing to analyze.”
Growth comes from trying something, assessing how it went, and adjusting. That requires reflection. You have to be willing to look at your patterns, your reactions, your contributions to what’s not working.
Resistance to reflection keeps you in reactive mode. You just keep responding the same way without ever examining why or considering alternatives.
Sarah resisted reflection. When I’d ask her to think about how an interaction with Mark unfolded, like what she was feeling, what might have triggered his response, what she might try differently, then she would often dismiss it: “I don’t know. He was just being difficult.” She didn’t want to look at her part.
David embraced reflection. He’d come to our sessions with observations: “I noticed that when Jennifer talks about feeling lonely, I immediately get defensive and start listing all the things I do for her. I think I’m missing what she actually needs, which is just to feel heard.” That self-awareness created space for change.
How to develop self-reflection: After difficult interactions with your spouse, take ten minutes to journal or simply think through: What was I feeling? What was I trying to protect? What was my spouse really saying beneath their words? What pattern am I seeing? What might I try differently next time?
This isn’t about beating yourself up. It’s about learning from experience.
Coaching Yourself to Coachability
Here’s what I missed with Sarah, and what I now understand: coachability isn’t just something you use. It’s something you build.
I expected her to show up already coachable. When she didn’t, I eventually gave up on her. But in doing so, I failed to model coachability myself. I didn’t reflect on how I could meet her where she was and help her develop these traits.
The truth is, most people aren’t naturally highly coachable, especially when they’re in crisis. Fear makes us defensive. Pride makes us resistant. Habitual patterns make us rigid. That’s normal. That’s human.
But coachability can be developed. And when you’re trying to save your marriage alone, developing your own coachability might be the most important work you do.
Because here’s the thing: even if you’re working with a coach, reading books, listening to podcasts, or attending therapy, none of it matters if you’re not coachable. The insights bounce off your armor. The suggestions don’t penetrate your certainty. The tools don’t work because you don’t actually implement them or give them time to work.
But when you’re coachable? Everything becomes useful. Your spouse’s criticism, even when poorly delivered, becomes information. Your coach’s suggestions, even when they feel uncomfortable, become opportunities. Your own mistakes become learning experiences rather than evidence of failure.
Life, itself, becomes your coach. And that’s when real transformation becomes possible.
What to Do Starting Today
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself more in Sarah than in David, don’t despair. The fact that you’re here, reading this, considering this, already moves you toward coachability.
Here are your immediate steps:
Today:
Choose one trait from the list above where you know you struggle. Maybe you’re stuck in certainty. Maybe you’re highly defensive. Maybe you resist reflection. Pick one and commit to noticing when it shows up in your interactions with your spouse.
This Week:
Practice the opposite of that trait at least three times. If you’re usually certain, practice curiosity: “I wonder if there’s something I’m not seeing here?” If you’re usually defensive, practice receptiveness: “That’s hard to hear, but help me understand what you mean.”
Expect it to feel awkward. Expect it to feel forced. That’s normal. You are building new muscles.
This Month:
Begin seeing every interaction with your spouse — even the difficult ones — as coaching. Ask yourself: “What is this teaching me? What can I learn from how they’re responding to me? What might I need to adjust?”
Start a practice of reflection. After challenging interactions, take ten minutes to think through: What was my part in that? What pattern am I seeing? What might I try differently?
Remember This:
You can’t control whether your spouse becomes coachable. You can only control whether you do.
You can’t make your spouse change. You can only focus on your own Aspirations, Attitude, and Actions.
You can’t guarantee your marriage will survive. But you can guarantee that you’ll become someone more capable of love, connection, and growth… regardless of the outcome.
That’s the power of coachability. It transforms you into someone who can handle whatever life brings. Someone who can learn from difficulty. Someone who can grow through challenge. Someone who doesn’t just wait for life to happen to them, but actively engages with it.
Your marriage is teaching you something right now. The crisis is coaching you. Your spouse’s resistance is showing you something about yourself.
The question isn’t whether you’re being coached. Life is always coaching you.
The question is: are you coachable?
For more on what you can actually control in your marriage crisis, read about The 3A’s You Can Control. To understand the dynamic you might be caught in, explore Chaser/Spacer to Pacing.
Dr. Lee H. Baucom is a marriage coach with over 30 years of experience helping couples save and restore their relationships. He is the creator of the Save The Marriage System and author of How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps.