They lost it… and I saw it
Last match of the day, and I saw it unfolding. My wife and I were playing together, and across the pickleball court were two pretty confident guys. They thought they had us.
Just moments before, I watched these two dispose of another team pretty easily. And when we were looking for two more players, they jumped in. I could see their confidence.
No worries, though. I’ll let you in on a little secret: I don’t much get caught up in whether I win or lose. The question is, did I play well and did I learn anything (I usually play well, for me… and always learn something!).
My wife served first. And on their return, I got in a quick kill shot… pretty much to their surprise. Reality started setting in.
And we kept rolling. It was 5-0 before they got a chance to serve. And they managed only 2 points, then. We regained service, and went 7-2. Which is when I knew there was no way they would come back. They were, indeed, going to lose.
It was not that they didn’t have the skill to win. I am sure they could have. But the mental game is where they lost. The more the points started rolling in, the more the desperation and frustration started to build. I could see their facial expression. Which is why I knew the next few points would go even faster.
One of them had a great chance to slam in on us… and he managed to only hit the net. Then, his partner tried an aggressive return… sending it far out of bounds.
They were collapsing in front of us.
Their emotional brain was taking charge, and was desperately trying to prove they could come back. Their emotional brain was betraying them, though. In the net, out of bounds, popping the ball up, missing a swing… all the results, not of their skills, but of their emotional brains gripping them tight.
We ended at 11-2. And they looked completely miserable when we tapped paddles in the middle of the court. “Well, that was ugly,” said one. He was not wrong.
Had my wife and I played well? Absolutely. And I think we could have won, even if they had been able to get their mind in the game. But that was not to be. They let their emotional brains do the playing… and paid the price.
We always pay a price when that happens. And we have all done it. You feel good about things… and suddenly, you don’t. Then, your brain takes over, forces errors, and you just scratch your head after it was over, wondering what the heck just happened.
Why am I talking about it here? We aren’t playing pickleball. But this isn’t really about pickleball (you probably knew that, right?). Yep, it is about relationships.
I see it all the time with couples. A discussion suddenly becomes an argument. The argument is especially volatile because of disconnection in the relationship. Disconnection becomes disrespect, becomes disdain. All because the emotional brain takes over, playing on win/lose, fight/flight.
Or maybe you start the process of reconnecting, full of confidence, ready to win back your marriage. But then, things take a shift. Your confidence is shaken. And you start making errors — pushing too hard, or not enough, or in the wrong direction. It suddenly feels like every good move you make is met with a block or a checkmate.
In sports, there are errors all the time. Some are forced (the opponent puts you in a bad position, and you can’t recover. Some are unforced (you have an easy shot or play, but you just plain miss it. In both cases, the emotional brain may be the difference between error and no error. We crumble under the pressure or we overthink or we lose focus. In the end, humans are not machines. We aren’t flawless (which is part of what makes life, relationships and sports — along with elsewhere, interesting.
We all have an emotional brain that can take over, if we let it. Or we can work on staying in our rational, more value-based brain. Awhile back, I did a training on this with my VIP members. Yes, it is tempting to let the emotional brain take over. But as I talked about in the training, if you are clear on your values and let them guide you, you can avoid constantly falling into the emotional brain’s mistakes.
Will you be perfect at it? I doubt it. We all have that brain, and we all have been hijacked by it. So, the question is, can you more and more rely on your value-based brain, and less and less get hijacked by your emotional brain?
Here are a couple of things to do, in order to make that shift:
Know what your values are. You can’t stick your values-based thinking if you aren’t clear on what they are. What are your reasons for wanting to save your marriage? What are the values you use to make your choices and choose your actions? Know them.
Have a plan that can help you navigate the process. Write it down, review it, and follow it. The emotional brain is what goes off-plan. Not your values-based brain. Many times, I ask a client, “So, can you show me your plan?” They tell me they have one… in their mind. Which is a good first step! they have at least thought about a plan. But writing it down, that is what makes the difference. Followed by reviewing it. That is the only way to know if you are actually following your plan… and that is the only way to stay on any path that keeps you from making unforced errors. And it also helps minimize the forced errors.
Don’t let confidence by the trap. “I’m confident I will win this” is easily shaken and gets you in trouble. “I’m confident I can keep doing my best, following my values, and sticking in, as long as I can,” is much more helpful. The first is not entirely your choice. But the second one is entirely in your control. Be confident in yourself, sticking to the process. Don’t get so caught up in the final destination. You can control the steps you take. Not the choices others make.
Which brings us to what you can control. Focus your energies on what you CAN control: Aspirations, Attitude, and Actions. If you listen to my podcasts, you have likely already heard me talk about this. So, just return to that focus: on what you can control. Your emotional brain focuses, instead, on what you can’t control… and promptly loses control,
Keep your mind and your brain in the game. And keep moving forward!