Time to Show Up!
Do You Show Up or Give Up?
“It’s like he isn’t even there, just a shell sitting there,” she told me. “Nothing seems to interest him less than me.”
I had to admit it, he seemed pretty hollow there on my couch. As she was telling me how painful it was to feel shut out, he just stared at me. No real expression either way, and certainly no pain at her words.
So, I asked him, “How does that make you feel, to hear those words? I don’t know how you are at home, but I do hear how it feels to your wife. How do you feel about that?”
Without much expression, other than a bit of restriction in his voice, he told me, “I don’t know what she wants from me. I’m there, aren’t I? I’m not out drinking, not out cheating, not out gambling! What is it I am supposed to do?”
”Low bar there,” I noted.
He flinched. Somehow, his standard was having his body at home, not causing trouble anywhere.
“What does she want from me,” he asked?
”I think,” I replied, “that she wants you to Show Up. To be present, interested, maybe even engaged.”
After a couple of seconds of pondering, he threw up his arms, exclaiming, “I give up!”
She was shocked, pulling back from him, mouth agape.
I said, “Well, that is an option. You can give up. But would it be too much to just Show Up?”
After a few minutes of getting himself together, he finally asked, “Why should this be so hard? If we were a good match, we wouldn’t be here. We would just get along. We would just accept each other. I wouldn’t need to change. Who I am would be fine. I show up every night… after putting in a long day. I come home. I just don’t see what the big deal is.”
Right there, it was on the table. A very stuck perspective on being a human. Of being a spouse! Of being a part of a relationship.
I asked him a question: “If you acted at work, like you do at home, how would that go over? How would your work be going??”
He looked at me for a hard moment… more of a glare, really.
”I mean,” I continued, “you have been pretty succesful, right?” He nodded. “So, if you were to act,” I continued, “like you do at home, every evening, while you were at work… I’m just wondering… would you be more or less successful?”
He slowly started to respond, “Well… I guess… um….” He sat quietly for a minute, composing his thoughts. And then, he admitted, “To be honest, I would probably be fired.” He was staring at his feet. I could see the awareness showing through. I offered, “It sounds like you leave your best self and work, and bring your not-so-best self home.”
He chuckled and said, “You are trying to be kind. I bring my worst self home. But isn’t that just reality in life? You should be able to give it your all, then find acceptance at home.”
Sometimes, it is time to tighten the screws just a bit when someone is almost there. And I did. “So,” I started, “do you do that with your wife? Fully accept her, even if she is having a tough day? Even when she is not Showing Up for you??”
There was a bit of a pause. Then, he said, “Uh, no, I guess I don’t. I don’t feel much acceptance and I don’t offer much acceptance. So, maybe we are just too screwed up!”
”Or maybe,” I offered, “you both could choose to Show Up a bit differently?”
Both looked at me, and asked, “What would that even mean??”
Since I frequently talk about this, I am sharing an audio with you. It is from a series on my Save The Marriage Podcast, based on Showing Up. Here is the audio:
If you liked that audio, do check out the entire Immutable Laws of Marriage Series by CLICKING HERE.