I stood at the service line, ball in hand, and felt every eye on that court looking at me.
In pickleball, serving is the only time your team can score. It’s also the only moment in the game where you’re completely alone with your thoughts. No rapid volleys to react to, no partner covering your back. Just you, the ball… and that voice in your head.
For months, I’d had a consistent serve. Nothing fancy, but reliable. Then I got the yips. Suddenly, I was hitting balls out on both sides of the box. And the more it happened, the louder that voice became: “Don’t mess this up. Remember last time? Everyone’s watching. You’re going to hit it out again.”
I was telling myself NOT to let it happen.
Which, of course, made it happen more.
The voice wasn’t helping. It was sabotaging.
So I ran an experiment. I changed my routine. Instead of three bounces and thinking, I went to one bounce and serving. I focused on the ball, not the commentary. I sped up my process to outrun the voice before it could get going.
It worked. Not perfectly. Nothing ever is. But better.
Here’s what I realized: that voice in my head had two very different modes. Sometimes it was coaching me, reminding me what to focus on. Other times it was criticizing me, cataloging my failures and predicting disaster.
Same voice. Completely different impact.
The Voice That Never Stops
If you’re reading this, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about. That internal narrator that observes, interprets, and comments on everything. For some people, it’s a constant stream. For others, it kicks in during moments of stress or uncertainty.
Either way, most of us don’t think much about it. The voice is just... there. We assume it’s telling us the truth, or at least trying to help.
But here’s what I’ve learned over three decades of working with couples in crisis: that voice isn’t always your friend. In fact, sometimes it’s pretending to be your friend while actively working against you.
Let me be clear about something: I’m not talking about “positive thinking” or trying to silence your mind. Those approaches miss the point entirely.
You can’t just turn the voice off like a light switch. And honestly? Sometimes criticism contains useful information. Sometimes you do need that honest assessment.
The question isn’t whether to have self-talk. The question is: which voice gets the microphone?
Two Very Different Voices
Think of it this way: you have two distinct voices available to you.
The first is what I call the Self Coach. This voice reminds you of your values, your actual capabilities, what you’re working toward. It can be honest about where you are without catastrophizing about where you might end up. It asks useful questions. It creates openings. “You’re not prepared for this meeting, so what can you do in the next hour?” That’s the Self Coach.
The second is the Self Critic. This voice deals in absolutes and impossibilities. It doesn’t just point out a problem. It tells you it’s always been this way and always will be. “You’re not prepared. You never are. You’re going to mess this up, just like you always do.” That’s the Self Critic.
Here’s the tell: the Self Coach opens doors. The Self Critic slams them shut.
When Marriage Crisis Amplifies Everything
Here’s where it gets complicated: in a marriage crisis, you’re not just dealing with your own internal voice. You are also navigating while that voice interprets everything your spouse does.
Self-talk actually has two streams running simultaneously:
One aimed at yourself — your actions, your capacities, your worth
One aimed at interpreting your spouse — their actions, their motivations, their character
And what amplifies both streams? Fight-or-flight.
When your nervous system is activated — when you feel threatened, hurt, or scared — the Self Critic doesn’t just get louder. It sounds more true. Your heart is racing, so obviously something terrible is happening, so obviously the catastrophic interpretation must be correct.
“They didn’t text back” becomes “they don’t care about me.”
“They seem distant” becomes “they’re planning to leave.”
“They criticized me” becomes “they think I’m worthless.”
The Self Critic takes ambiguous data and fills in the worst possible narrative. And it does this for both you AND your spouse.
Meanwhile, your spouse is experiencing the exact same thing. Their Self Critic is running at full volume too, interpreting your every move through a lens of threat. Two people, both trying to protect themselves from vulnerabilities they haven’t acknowledged, both listening to voices that are amplifying danger.
No wonder it feels impossible to connect.
Why This Matters More Than You Think
I want you to consider something: Would you let a friend talk to you the way your Self Critic does?
If someone in your life spoke to you with that level of harshness, made those sweeping generalizations, predicted your inevitable failure, you would immediately recognize it as toxic. You might even end the friendship.
But we give ourselves permission to be relentlessly brutal in ways we’d never tolerate from others through our Self Critic.
Here’s what’s actually happening beneath that critical voice: The Self Critic originates in the ego. It’s that part of you that’s entirely concerned with image, with how you’re perceived, with never looking weak or foolish. The ego is fragile by nature. It lives in constant fear of exposure, of being found lacking, of losing status or control.
The Self Critic isn’t actually trying to destroy you. It thinks it’s protecting you. Protecting your image, your ego, your sense of safety. It’s the voice of unprocessed vulnerability, wrapped up in aggression or withdrawal. It attacks first (yourself or others) because it’s terrified of being exposed. It operates from a place of “never again”… never again will I be hurt like that, never again will I look foolish, never again will I be abandoned.
It’s defensive, reactive, and fragile.
The Self Coach, though, comes from somewhere completely different. It’s grounded in what you actually value. And I’m not talking about ego-based values like “looking successful” or “never being wrong.” I’m talking about the bedrock stuff: integrity, connection, growth, love. The things that matter to you at your core, beneath the image management.
And there’s a real strength in that. It isn’t the fake, armored “strength” of the Self Critic. But it’s the resilience that comes from knowing what you stand for. The Self Coach can acknowledge difficulty. It can admit mistakes. It can stay present with discomfort. Why? Because it’s not operating from ego fragility pretending to be protection.
In a marriage crisis, when both people have their Self Critics running full blast, you have two fragile egos trying to protect two sets of unacknowledged vulnerabilities. Neither can hear the other’s actual values or intentions. The things that could actually guide you through, like your real values, your genuine care for each other, get drowned out by all that defensive noise.
Learning to Recognize the Difference
The first step is simply becoming aware that these two voices exist, and that you have a choice about which one you listen to.
Most people don’t even realize they’re in the middle of Self Critic territory. That voice just sounds like “reality” to them. Of course they’re going to fail. Of course their spouse is being difficult. Of course nothing ever works out. That’s just... true. Right?
Wrong. It’s interpretation masquerading as fact.
So here are some ways to tell which voice is speaking:
The Self Critic:
Uses absolutes: “always,” “never,” “every time,”
Predicts disaster with certainty,
Focuses on what you can’t control,
Makes sweeping character judgments (about you or your spouse),
Leaves you feeling smaller, more anxious, more stuck,
Operates from fear and image protection.
The Self Coach:
Acknowledges reality without catastrophizing,
Asks useful questions,
Focuses on what you can influence,
Distinguishes between behavior and character,
Leaves you feeling clearer, more grounded, more capable,
Operates from values and genuine care.
Let me give you an example: Your spouse comes home and barely speaks to you.
The Self Critic might say: “They’re done with me. They always shut down. This marriage is over. I knew this would happen.”
The Self Coach might say: “They seem distant. I wonder what’s going on. I can’t control their mood, but I can decide how I want to show up. Do I want to react defensively, or do I want to stay curious?”
Same situation. Completely different internal response.
A Critical Mistake to Avoid
Here’s something vital to understand: you cannot silence the Self Critic.
Many people try. They attempt to suppress it, argue with it, force it into submission. But here’s what happens when you try to silence that voice: it gets louder, more demanding, more intrusive. It’s like trying not to think about a white bear. The harder you push against it, the more power you give it.
Think about those imagined characters in A Beautiful Mind—the main character (John Nash, who suffered from schizophrenia), learns to recognize the imagined people as hallucinations. But he can’t make them disappear. What he can do is reality-test them and choose not to engage with them.
That’s what we’re after here. Not silencing the Critic, but recognizing it for what it is. Ego-based fear dressed up as protection. And then, choosing to redirect your attention elsewhere. “Thank you for your input, but I’m choosing another direction.” Then you deliberately turn toward the Self Coach.
You are not fighting the Critic (that only makes it louder and more insistent). You’re simply giving the microphone to someone else… and turning your attention there, instead.
The Path Forward
So how do you actually shift from Self Critic to Self Coach? How do you give that microphone to a different voice?
It starts with something that might surprise you: clarifying your values.
Not the values you think you should have. Not the ones that sound good or make you look virtuous. I’m talking about the bedrock values that create an emotional response when you connect with them. The ones you can feel in your gut.
Most people operate from what I call derivative values. These are surface-level principles that might be important, but don’t have real gravitational pull. “I value honesty” sounds good. But why? What’s beneath that? If you keep asking “why does that matter?” three or four times, you get to something deeper. Something like: “I spent my whole life performing to be loved, and I want to finally just be myself with someone and know they won’t leave.”
That’s bedrock. That’s the value that can actually guide you when your Self Critic is screaming and your fight-or-flight response is activated.
Because here’s the thing: in a marriage crisis, abstract principles don’t have enough power to compete with reactivity. But a deeply felt, core value — one you can feel in your body — that can anchor you even when everything feels chaotic.
When you’re clear on your values, you can ask different questions:
Is this voice helping me live according to what matters most to me?
Are my actions aligned with my values, or am I letting fear drive?
Do I want to respond from my values, or react from my ego?
This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about having something real to orient toward when the Self Critic is telling you to protect yourself at all costs.
Building Your Foundation
The work of shifting from Self Critic to Self Coach doesn’t happen in the heat of crisis. It happens before. It’s like first responders training when there’s no emergency, so they have muscle memory when it’s real.
You clarify your values when things are relatively calm. You practice recognizing which voice is speaking. You build in pauses before reacting. You strengthen your ability to be curious rather than critical, toward yourself and your spouse.
Then, when crisis hits, you’re not trying to learn a new skill while drowning. You’re reaching for something you’ve practiced.
Does it work perfectly? No. You will still get hijacked by the Self Critic sometimes. You will still react from fear. But over time, you get better at recognizing what’s happening and redirecting. The Self Coach gets stronger. The Self Critic still shows up, but it doesn’t run the show anymore.
Your Choice, Your Voice
Here’s what I want you to take away from this: You have two voices available to you. One operates from ego and fear, trying to protect you by keeping you small and defended. The other operates from your deepest values, inviting you to show up as the person you actually want to be.
You can’t eliminate the Self Critic. But you can learn to recognize it, thank it for its concern, and choose to listen to the Self Coach instead.
This is especially crucial in a marriage crisis, where both you and your spouse are likely caught in the same struggle. Two Self Critics interpreting each other through fear, neither able to hear what the other actually values or needs.
The good news? This is skill is absolutely learnable. It takes practice, patience, and a willingness to do the deeper work of clarifying what truly matters to you. But it’s possible. I’ve seen it transform marriages that seemed beyond hope.
Two voices. One choice.
Which one will you listen to?
Need some help finding your confidence… and dealing with your (and your spouse’s) insecurities? Check out my Confidence Blueprint.
👉 Find my Confidence Blueprint HERE
Dr. Lee H. Baucom is a marriage coach with over 30 years of experience helping couples save and restore their relationships. He is the creator of the Save The Marriage System and author of How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps.