What is THE Most Important Factor in Marital Success?
For many years, my office was a mandatory stop on the way to the altar for many couples. There were eight faith communities that required couples to go through three pre-marital sessions with me. It started when a couple of clergy people realized they had neither the time nor expertise to see couples, and asked if I could take that on. And word spread.
So, over the years, I saw many couples who were wanting to be married — many, not so much about having to see me. I was, for many, an obstacle on the way to “I do.”
But for most, by the end, I had won them over and we spent some good time preparing for this next stage of their lives.
Which meant that I got to hear their concerns and questions. Many came from broken families and didn’t want to repeat that. Others simply wanted to have the best chance at success.
Which led to one main question: what is the biggest factor in a successful marriage.
Pretty much, across the board, all believed that they had the kind of love that would last, and relationships that would survive.
But they were also aware of the stats. No, they weren’t stacked against them. More like even odds on surviving. They wanted to believe they had what it takes to make it, but were also a bit concerned that, just maybe, they might not.
Sure, we discussed how well they knew each other, and if they had talked through some difficult subjects. And yes, there were times when they came to realize that perhaps they were not quite ready to walk down the aisle.
Beyond that, though, they wanted to know what would make the difference. What IS the factor that leads to marital success… to continued love?
First, let me tell you that this factor isn’t about luck, about the alignment of the stars (or astrological signs). It isn’t about passion and attraction. It isn’t about whether life throws you challenges or gives you a break. And it isn’t even about similar backgrounds or families.
Yes, those factors do create the patterns of a marriage. Yes, they can make for challenges in life and in marriage.
And there are certainly factors that pull you together. That probably included attraction. You were attracted to each other. That attraction “pulled” you together. But will it keep you together?
Nope.
Sure, common backgrounds and experiences may give you some common understandings that helps facilitate joining together. But will that keep you together?
Nope.
Once married, there are certainly some elements that can keep you from easily parting when things get tough: kids, economic impact, familial and cultural pressure, fear of the unknown. But that isn’t really about what makes for a successful relationship, as much as what keeps you in a stuck relationship.
Anecdotal and Research Answers
Over those same years, I have had the opportunity to lead quite a few marriage enrichment events. Generally, those who attend are looking to improve an already-functional relationship. They are doing fine, but want to be doing better.
Think of it as taking a class to help you improve on an interest you already do. It isn’t about getting started, but getting better.
Anyway, I always spend some time asking what has worked for them so far. And to know surprise to me, they give a common explanation (along with some that are specific to their relationship). And since I am looking for what is the common trait, I listen for common themes.
And not surprisingly, the most common trait lines up with research. For example, one of my favorite researchers, John Gottman, notes this same trait as a common marker for successful and sustaining marriages. After observing and interviewing many couples for the last few decades, he has noted in his writing that this factor is the overwhelming determinate for success.
Sure, he has noted the elements that mark a failing marriage. And sure, he has given advice on how to pull out of tailspins. But when he notes the factor that steers marriages, long-term, to satisfaction and success, it is this same trait I heard (on repeat) from couples in enrichment events.
And That One Factor Is Pretty Simple
So, what is that factor?
Friendship.
Yep, that is the key factor that determines the likelihood of a happy and enduring marriage. Are you friends? Do you consider each other friends? Do you treat each other as friends?
Over the years, I have had a number of people tell me that their spouse had “friend-zoned” them. And they didn’t much like the fact that I said, “I don’t believe in a spouse ‘friend-zone.’” Just to remind you, the whole idea of being “friend-zoned” in a dating relationship is someone trying to make it clear that they were not interested in a romantic relationship. They were not interested in taking things any further. So, you could just be “friends.” (Although, in most cases I watched, that friendship didn’t last very long, so it was really a way to exit the situation.)
In a marriage, you have already taken things further! So, it wasn’t so much an attempt to stop things from going further. You have already stepped into the most committed relationship our culture has!
What most really meant is they had lost their passion and romantic connection. But what was left was still a friendship. They got along, but the romance was gone.
In reality, many times, the romance had been neglected for so long, that it more atrophied from lack of use!
“There HAS To Be More!”
What I am saying is a friendship with your spouse is a huge factor in marital success. What I am not saying is that a friendship is all you need for success. I am saying that friendship is probably the biggest factor you need for success.
Over the years, I have had the opportunity to speak to many older people who have lost their spouse to death after a happy marriage. Going forward, they were looking really for one thing in a relationship: companionship. Someone to do things with, enjoy things with, share with. They wanted a friendship. Most had realized that, when everything else was stripped away, what they most missed from their spouse was that deep friendship.
But you don’t just marry a friend! Surely, there must be more to it than that!
Sure. I have a core belief that the success of a marriage is based upon building a WE. It is about creating a sense of “being in it together,” “standing as a team,” and melding your lives together.
That is basically the pledge of marriage (remember those vows you made at the wedding… through any kind of day, keeping others away, standing by and with each other. That is a choice to become a WE, although many couples fail to get there.
And that is one of the elements of a friendship — you see yourselves as a “together.” It’s just that marriage adds the layer of “til death do us part.”
So, yeah, there is more to it than that. But friendship is huge.
Why is Friendship so Important for a Marriage?
Let me give you some clear reasons.
Here are five reasons why friendship leads to a successful marriage:
1. Emotional Safety: A strong friendship provides a foundation of trust and emotional safety, allowing partners to be vulnerable and honest with each other. Honesty and vulnerability are hallmarks of loving relationships — and the cornerstone of a loving marriage.
2. Resilience in Conflict: Friends are more likely to approach conflicts with empathy and understanding, reducing the likelihood of destructive arguments. Since any relationship has its disagreements, and since marriage is about tying your futures together, there will be conflicts. How you handle them and how you move forward from them are what determines marital success.
3. Shared Interests and Growth: Couples who are friends are more likely to engage in activities together, fostering personal and mutual growth, which keeps the relationship dynamic and interesting. That doesn’t mean all of your interests have to be in common. But finding and nurturing common interests is what builds deeper connection.
4. Deeper Communication: Friendship encourages open, ongoing communication. Partners feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts, dreams, and concerns, which strengthens the relationship. Friends share their important (and even trivial) thoughts, which broadens the base of connection between you.
5. Mutual Respect and Admiration: A friendship-based marriage is built on mutual respect and admiration, which reinforces the love and commitment needed to sustain a long-term relationship. Friends respect each other, and build each other up. They hold each other in admiration. In a marriage, this leads to respectful interactions and treasuring each other.
“But I Thought it was About Love!”
Yep. It IS about love. But love is “like” on steroids. Not long ago, my wife (of over 38 years) answered someone who asked what our secret was. She said, “We like each other.”
We like to hang out together. We like to do some things together (although we both have separate interests and some different friends). Given the chance, we like to be together. We play pickleball together. We enjoy watching some television and movies together. We like to eat together.
And that has always been true. From the beginning of our relationship, we did a lot of hanging out together. So, yes, we fell in love. But we genuinely like each other and like being with each other.
And that has helped us navigate tough times in the past.
As it turns out, research backs up that approach. So, yes, marriage is about love (and building love). It’s just that we usually fall in love (not infatuation) with someone we like. The question is, do we keep that up or let it die? Do we nurture the relationship, or do we let it fade?
The path to a successful marriage goes right through friendship.
”So How Do We Shift to Friendship?”
Since the research shows it, and experience reinforces it, couples who want to beat the odds (and have much more satisfying marriages) would do well to work on their friendship. And I am going to guess that, at one time, you had it. But perhaps it has faded, over the years, due to neglect (what I call the Pause Button Marriage).
Here are some ways to make a shift in your marriage back toward friendship.
1. Prioritize Quality Time Together: Regularly schedule time for activities you both enjoy. Whether it’s a hobby, a walk, or simply talking, make time for each other to strengthen your bond. Friends do things together. They spend time together. And not just to get something done. They do it to be together.
2. Communicate Openly and Honestly: Develop a habit of sharing your thoughts, feelings, and daily experiences with each other. This builds intimacy and trust. Again, a hallmark of friendship is communication, not just about tasks of life, and not just about frustrations. Friends communicate together because they like each other, want the connection, and want to deepen it.,
3. Support Each Other’s Growth: Encourage your partner’s personal interests and goals. Celebrate their successes and be there during challenges, just as a friend would. Research shows that marriages have a high likelihood of survival if both support each other’s “self-expansion.” This term relates to our capacity to grow and experience new things. Spouses can do what friends do: support each other’s growth and evolution, be it therapy or a new hobby.
4. Show Appreciation and Gratitude: Regularly express appreciation for your partner. Small gestures of kindness and gratitude go a long way in reinforcing the friendship. Sometimes, it is easy to take a spouse’s actions for granted, or even let resentments and comparisons get in the way. Be appreciative and look for ways to express gratitude.
5. Laugh Together: Humor is a powerful bonding tool. Find ways to bring joy and laughter into your relationship, as friends do. Shared humor strengthens your connection and creates positive memories. Humor can get us through lots of tough times. And laughter connects us.
Friendship (and building friendship) is a matter of skills and choices. We all have a lifetime of experience in these areas. And we can always choose the relationships in which we invest. The return on that investment is particularly high when it is made in your marriage.
So, what is the biggest single factor in the success of a marriage, and the feelings of satisfaction in that relationship? Friendship. Liking each other and treating each other as trusted friends. Your spouse doesn’t have to be your only friend. But if you want to have the best chances at a successful marriage, you may want to make sure you invest into that friendship.