"When Did We Hit Pause?"
(And How To Find Play Again)
There’s a conversation happening in households across the country. Sometimes it’s whispered. Sometimes it’s shouted. Sometimes it’s not spoken at all, just felt in the growing space between two people who once couldn’t get enough of each other.
“I’m not happy.”
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”
“When did we become roommates?”
If you’ve had this conversation — or felt it brewing in the silence — you might be wondering: How did we get here?
Let me tell you what probably happened. You hit pause.
The Pause You Didn’t Mean to Press
You didn’t do it on purpose. You didn’t wake up one morning and think, “You know what? I’m going to put my marriage on hold for a while.”
It was more subtle than that.
Maybe it started when the baby came home from the hospital, and suddenly every ounce of energy went to feeding schedules and diaper changes and just surviving on three hours of sleep. You told yourself: “Once we get through this newborn phase, we’ll reconnect.” (Followed with, “Once they are in school/out of school/in college/out of college….”)
Or maybe it was the promotion… the one you’d worked so hard for. The late nights, the extra projects, the travel. You thought: “Once I prove myself in this role, things will settle down. Then we’ll have time for us.” (Followed with, “Well, after the next promotion/after that big project/after I make partner….”)
Perhaps it was aging parents, a cross-country move, financial stress, a health crisis, building that business, getting the kids through high school, etc., etc., etc.
The details don’t really matter. What matters is this: somewhere along the way, you made a silent promise to your marriage.
After this, we’ll get back to us.
And you hit the Pause Button. On your marriage.
The Problem with Pause
Here’s what no one tells you about marriage: you cannot pause a relationship.
A relationship is not a Netflix series. It’s not a video game you can save and return to exactly where you left off. A relationship is a living thing. It is either expanding or receding. It is either growing or it’s dying. There is no suspended animation.
When you think you’re pressing pause, what you’re actually doing is choosing neglect. And neglect doesn’t preserve. It erodes.
Think about it. While you’re busy with “life,” what’s happening in your marriage?
You stop having real conversations. Oh, you may still talk… about whose turn it is to pick up the dry cleaning, what time soccer practice ends, whether you need milk from the store. Logistics. Scheduling. Problem-solving. But when was the last time you talked about dreams? Fears? The future? Each other?
You stop touching. Not just sexually (though that usually goes too), but the casual touches that used to punctuate your day. The hand on the small of the back. The kiss that lingered a second too long. The hug that said I’m so glad you’re here instead of the perfunctory greeting that says oh, you’re home.
You stop being curious about each other. You assume you know what they’ll say, what they think, how they feel. You’ve placed them in a box labeled “handled” and moved on to the urgent things.
You stop being a WE and become two “me’s” who happen to share a zip code… and maybe a house.
The Moment You Notice
For some people, the realization hits like a lightning bolt. You’re sitting across from each other at a restaurant — the first date night in months — and you have nothing to say. You scroll your phone. You comment on the food. You avoid eye contact because looking at each other feels awkward.
When did my spouse become a stranger?, you wonder.
For others, it’s a slow burn. The disagreements that used to resolve quickly now linger for days. You’re irritated by things that never bothered you before… the way they chew, the way they breathe, the sound of their voice. You’re living in the same house, but you’re completely alone.
Some hear it in their own voice when they finally say the words out loud: “I’m not happy.” And they realize they haven’t been happy in a long time. They just didn’t notice because they were too busy to notice.
And then there are the ones who hear it from their partner’s mouth: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”
That one lands like a gut punch. Because suddenly you realize: the pause wasn’t mutual. While you were planning to return “later,” they were feeling the neglect now. While you thought you’d hit pause together, they experienced it as abandonment.
And if it was mutual, one of you is suddenly feeling the pain of the disconnect (or maybe both of you… but one was still waiting to just hit “Un-Pause”).
The Cruel Arithmetic of Pause
Here’s the hard truth: the longer you stay paused, the harder it becomes to press play again.
Every day you spend as disconnected roommates instead of connected partners, you’re building a wall between you. Brick by brick. Silence by silence. Resentment by resentment.
That wall doesn’t just appear overnight, and it doesn’t disappear overnight either.
You develop separate lives. Separate friends. Separate hobbies. Separate bedtimes. You become fluent in the language of distance and forget how to speak the language of intimacy.
And here’s the cruelest part: the awkwardness of reconnecting can feel so uncomfortable that you’d rather stay disconnected. At least there’s a predictable safety in the distance. At least you’re not risking rejection. At least you’re not vulnerable.
So you stay paused.
And the marriage that was supposed to be “on hold” becomes a marriage that’s barely holding on.
The Pain of Awakening
If you’re reading this and recognition is washing over you — if you’re seeing your own marriage in these words — you might be feeling something right now.
Panic. Grief. Regret. Fear.
How did I let this happen?
Is it too late?
Can we come back from this?
Let me be clear about something: recognizing the pause is not the problem. The pause itself is the problem. And now that you see it, you have a choice.
You can keep waiting for “later.” You can keep telling yourself that once the kids are older, once work slows down, once you have more money, once you’re less tired… then you’ll reconnect.
Or you can un-pause. Now. Today.
Un-Pausing: The Intentional Return
Un-pausing your marriage doesn’t mean ignoring your responsibilities or waving a magic wand that makes all the complications of life disappear. You’ll still have kids who need you. Work that demands your attention. Bills to pay. Elderly parents to care for. Life doesn’t stop.
But un-pausing means something crucial: you stop treating your marriage as something you’ll get back to “later” and start treating it as something that needs attention today.
It means recognizing that your marriage is not the reward you earn after handling everything else. Your marriage is the foundation that makes handling everything else possible.
It means accepting that connection doesn’t happen by accident. It happens by intention.
Un-pausing requires:
Daily choices. Not grand gestures (though those are nice). Daily, small, consistent choices to turn toward each other instead of away. To ask a real question. To listen to the answer. To touch with intention. To choose WE instead of “I.”
Rebuilding habits. You didn’t drift apart because of one big decision. You drifted apart through a thousand tiny neglects. You reconnect through a thousand tiny connections. New habits. New patterns. New ways of being together.
Vulnerability. You have to be willing to risk the awkwardness. To admit you miss each other. To reach across the distance even when you’re not sure your hand will be taken. To say “I want us back” even when you’re scared of the answer.
Consistency. This is perhaps the hardest part. One good conversation doesn’t un-pause a marriage. One date night doesn’t undo months or years of disconnection. Un-pausing is a commitment to showing up, day after day, even when it feels uncomfortable or forced at first.
The good news? If you’re both willing… if you both recognize the pause and want to reconnect, the path back exists. It’s not easy, but it’s possible.
Every day you choose connection over convenience, you’re removing a brick from that wall between you. Every moment you prioritize “us” instead of pushing it to “later,” you’re rebuilding what felt lost.
Two Paths Forward
I need to be honest with you about something: where you are right now matters.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Yes, we’ve paused, but we’re not in crisis” — if you still like each other, if you’re just disconnected but not destructive, if the foundation is still there but you’ve just stopped building on it — then un-pausing might be exactly what you need. You can start today. You can begin the daily work of rebuilding connection before the damage goes too deep.
But if you’re reading this and thinking, “I’m not sure we’re going to make it” — if you’re past disconnection and into desperation, if one of you has one foot out the door, if the words “divorce” or “separation” are being spoken out loud — then you might need something more intensive first. You might need to save your marriage before you can un-pause it.
I’m not saying this to scare you. I’m saying it because I want you to get the help you actually need, when you need it.
The Marriage That’s Waiting
Somewhere underneath all the logistics and resentment and awkward silences, there’s a marriage waiting for you.
It’s the marriage you thought you’d have when you said “I do.” The one where you are partners and lovers and best friends. The one where you actually talk about things that matter. Where you touch each other with intention. Where you feel like a team — a WE, as I call it — instead of two people who happen to live in the same house.
That marriage is still possible. But only if you stop waiting for “later.”
Only if you UN-pause.
The pause didn’t happen in a day, and the un-pause won’t either. But every day you stay paused, the gap widens. Every day you wait for the “right time” to reconnect, you’re choosing disconnection.
Your marriage is not on pause. It never was. It’s been receding while you’ve been busy with life.
The question is: what are you going to do about it?
Ready to un-pause your marriage? I’ve created something to help. Un-Pause is an app designed to take you from disconnected to connected, from stale to loving, one day at a time, through exercises and training that rebuild what felt lost. If you’re ready to stop waiting for “later” and start reconnecting today, check it out at UnPauseYourMarriage.com.
Is your marriage in crisis? If you’re past the point of disconnection and you’re hanging on by a thread, the Un-Pause app might not be the right starting place. You might need something more intensive to save your marriage first. If that’s you, take a look at my Save The Marriage System. It’s designed for marriages that need saving before they can start rebuilding. Check it out at SaveTheMarriage.com.