When Stuck Becomes a Choice (Even If You Don’t Realize It)
The Comfortable Trap of “Just Stuck”
“I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
I must hear some version of this sentence three times a week. It comes wrapped in exhaustion, tinged with hopelessness, and it always sounds the same: resigned.
“If only my spouse would change...”
“I feel like I’m waiting for something to shift...”
“I’m just... stuck.”
Here’s what makes that word so dangerous: it sounds passive. Innocent, even. Like you’re simply suspended in amber, frozen mid-step, waiting for the world to unfreeze you.
But here’s the truth that most people don’t want to hear: being stuck isn’t something that happens to you. It’s something you’re actively doing.
And I know that probably stings a little. Maybe a lot. Stay with me anyway.
There Is No Neutral in Marriage
Think about the last time you sat in a car with the engine running, gear shift in neutral, foot off both pedals. What happened?
Nothing, right?
Except that’s not quite true. The car was still burning gas. The engine was still wearing down. Time was still passing. You just weren’t going anywhere.
Now here’s the harder truth: in marriage, there is no neutral.
You’re either building connection or losing it. You’re either moving toward each other or drifting apart. Even when it feels like nothing is happening, something is happening. Disconnection doesn’t need your permission to grow. It just needs your inattention.
So when you tell yourself you’re “just stuck,” what you’re really saying is: “I’m choosing not to move.” And that choice, even when you don’t realize you’re making it, has consequences.
Why “Stuck” Feels So Safe
I get it. I really do. If staying stuck were obviously terrible, no one would do it. But here’s the thing: stuck doesn’t feel terrible at first. It feels... safer than the alternatives.
Fear of making it worse keeps you frozen in place. “What if I bring it up and he shuts down even more?” “What if I try something different and it backfires?”
The devil you know starts to feel like an old friend. Yes, the pattern is painful. Yes, you’re lonely. Yes, nothing is getting better. But at least you know what to expect. At least you understand the rules of this particular misery.
Magical thinking whispers seductive promises: “Maybe if I just wait a little longer, she’ll come around.” “Maybe things will naturally get better.” “Maybe I’ll wake up one day and just know what to do.”
But here’s what I’ve learned after working with hundreds of couples: waiting doesn’t bring clarity. Movement brings clarity.
Your brain is actually wired to avoid risk through inaction. It’s a survival mechanism. When our ancestors faced uncertainty, freezing could keep them alive. Don’t move, don’t make noise, don’t attract the predator’s attention.
The problem? Your marriage isn’t a predator. And freezing isn’t keeping you safe. It’s keeping you stuck.
The Moving Walkway That No One Talks About
I want you to imagine you’re at the airport, standing on one of those moving walkways. You know the ones. They’re designed to help you cover ground faster without extra effort.
Now imagine you stop walking. You just stand there.
Are you still moving? Yes. But you’re moving backward — away from your gate, away from where you need to go. Not because you chose to walk backward, but because the walkway beneath you is moving, and you’re not keeping pace.
This is what happens in a disconnected marriage.
Drift has momentum. Distance deepens by itself. Resentment accumulates interest. Even when you do nothing, something is happening.
And here’s the part that really gets people: sometimes you ARE moving. You’re walking, you’re expending effort, you’re exhausted from trying. But you’re walking the wrong way on the walkway. All that effort, all that energy... and you end up in the same place.
That’s why people say, “But I’ve been trying!” And I believe them. They have been trying. They’re just trying things that cancel themselves out.
Activity doesn’t always equal progress. Sometimes it’s just elaborate stuckness in motion.
What Stuck Actually Costs You
Let’s get specific about what happens when you accidentally-on-purpose choose to stay stuck:
The Emotional Toll
Hopelessness stops being a feeling and becomes a fact. You wake up and it’s just... there. A gray filter over everything.
Resentment builds its little compound in your chest, adding rooms and hallways, getting more complex by the day.
Loneliness becomes your baseline. You stop noticing it the way you stop noticing the hum of the refrigerator. It’s just always there.
The Relational Toll
Every day you don’t address the disconnect, the gap widens. Not dramatically. Not with fireworks. Just... wider.
Your spouse starts to feel more like a roommate. Then, like a stranger you happen to share space with. Then, like someone you used to know.
The relationship develops scar tissue — protective layers that form over the wounds, making it harder and harder to feel anything at all.
The Personal Toll
Here’s the one that people don’t talk about enough: being stuck erodes your sense of self.
You start to doubt your own judgment. Your ability to create change. Your capacity to navigate hard things.
“Stuck” becomes part of your identity. You’re not someone who’s temporarily caught in a difficult pattern. No, you’re just someone who is stuck. It’s who you are now.
And that? That’s the most dangerous part of all.
The Liberating Truth About Choice
Okay, here’s where we get to the uncomfortable-but-ultimately-freeing part:
If stuck is a choice, then you can make a different choice.
I know, I know. That might land like blame. Like I’m saying this is all your fault, that you’re doing this to yourself, that you should just snap out of it already.
That’s not what I’m saying.
What I’m saying is this: you have more power than you think you do.
You don’t need your spouse to change first. You don’t need perfect clarity about the future. You don’t need to solve every problem in one sweeping gesture.
You just need to make one different choice. One that breaks the pattern of drift.
What does that look like practically?
Instead of waiting for your spouse to engage, you choose consistent daily action, even if it’s tiny, even if it feels awkward, even if they don’t respond the way you hope.
Instead of repeating the same chase-and-space dance you’ve been doing for months (or years), you choose to pace yourself differently.
Instead of spinning in confusion about where you stand, you choose to get clear on what’s actually happening. And what’s realistically possible.
Small choices shift trajectories. Not always quickly. Not always obviously. But they shift them.
What a Turning Point Actually Looks Like
People imagine turning points as dramatic. Lightning bolts of clarity. The moment everything clicks into place.
Sometimes they are. But more often? They’re quiet.
A turning point is the moment you stop telling yourself you’re powerless and start acting like you have options.
It usually has three parts:
Recognition — “Oh. I see it now. I am stuck. And I’ve been participating in my own stuckness.”
Responsibility — “I can’t control my spouse, but I can control what I do next. I can stop waiting. I can stop drifting.”
Response — “Here’s one thing I’m going to do differently. Not everything. Just one thing.”
I worked with someone once who decided their “one thing” would be a quick daily check-in with their spouse. Nothing fancy. No agenda. Just: “Hey, how are you? What’s on your mind today?”
They did it for three weeks straight, even when it felt wooden and forced, even when their spouse seemed uninterested.
And then something shifted. Not dramatically. Not with fanfare. But the tone changed. The temperature in the house changed. The spouse started asking questions back. Started showing up.
Did that ten-minute check-in fix everything? Of course not. But it broke the stuck pattern. It created a micro-moment of momentum. And momentum, once you have it, can build on itself.
Turning points aren’t about giant leaps. They’re about consistent pivots.
The Pattern You Might Not See
There’s a dynamic that shows up in struggling marriages so often that I had to create a whole framework around it. I call it the Chaser-Spacer-Pacer pattern.
Here’s how it goes:
One person (the Chaser) feels the disconnect and tries to close the gap. They pursue connection, ask questions, initiate conversations, reach for their spouse.
The other person (the Spacer) feels overwhelmed by the pursuit and pulls back. They need breathing room, so they create distance. Often without realizing how their withdrawal lands on their partner.
And now you’re on the walkway, walking in opposite directions. The Chaser tries harder, which makes the Spacer retreat more, which makes the Chaser panic and chase even harder. Round and round you go.
Both people are expending enormous effort. Both people are exhausted. And both people are stuck.
The way out? Become a Pacer. Learn to move at a sustainable rhythm that doesn’t trigger the chase-space spiral. Learn to stay connected without pursuing. Learn to give space without withdrawing.
This is one of those things that sounds simple but requires actual practice. Actual tools. Actual rewiring of your instincts.
Which brings me to the “how.”
From Concept to Action
If you’ve made it this far in the article, chances are you’ve recognized yourself somewhere in these words.
You know you’re stuck. You might even be willing to admit you’ve had a role in staying stuck. And now you’re wondering: “Okay, so what do I actually DO about it?”
This is the moment where most people either spin their wheels trying to figure it out alone, or they give up because it feels too overwhelming.
But here’s what I’ve learned: moving forward doesn’t happen by accident. It happens when you have the right tools in your hands.
That’s why I created the Turning Point Bundle. Not as some magic fix-everything solution, but as a practical set of tools to help you stop drifting and start moving with intention.
Here’s what’s inside:
The Daily Better Workbook
This is about building consistency, not intensity. Because when you’re exhausted and your hope is fragile, you don’t need more grand gestures. You need sustainable systems that work even when you don’t feel motivated.
Small steps. Daily momentum. The kind of progress that compounds over time instead of burning you out.
Chaser, Spacer, or Pacer?
This training helps you see the hidden dynamic that’s keeping you stuck. You’ll identify your pattern, understand why it keeps repeating, and learn how to choose a healthier pace—even if your spouse is still chasing or running.
Sometimes just seeing the pattern is half the battle. The other half is knowing what to do instead.
The Growth GPS
This self-assessment cuts through the confusion and helps you see what kind of relationship you’re actually in right now. Not the one you wish you had, not the one you used to have, but the one you’re in today.
Then it gives you a realistic plan based on where you are: when to invest energy in nurturing connection, when to pause and protect yourself, and when to recognize that you might need to make harder decisions.
Clarity is power. When you know your map, you can move with purpose instead of spinning in circles.
The Choice Is Yours (And Always Has Been)
Here’s the bottom line:
You can keep telling yourself you’re “just stuck.” You can keep waiting for clarity to arrive, for your spouse to change, for the perfect moment when you’ll finally know what to do.
Or you can recognize that stuck is a choice you’ve been making—and make a different one.
You don’t need a miracle. You don’t need all the answers. You don’t even need to know if this will “work.”
You just need the courage to take one step in a different direction. To break the pattern of drift. To stop standing still on the moving walkway.
Small choices shift trajectories.
Consistent pivots create turning points.
And forward movement, even imperfect and uncertain forward movement, is always better than elaborate and exhausting stuckness.
The question isn’t whether you can move. The question is: will you?
👉 Ready to stop drifting and start moving? Check out The Turning Point Bundle and take your first step toward real momentum today.