When You Don’t Know What to Do, Start With Principles
Why it’s better to be grounded than clever, especially when the stakes are high
There are moments in life when you realize: I’m in over my head.
You care. You’re willing. You’re even trying.
But somewhere along the way, the path disappears. The usual moves don’t work. The usual tone doesn’t land. And suddenly, you’re in uncharted territory, where emotion is high and clarity is low.
This happens in relationships. It happens in business. It happens in parenting and sports and health and creative pursuits.
But there’s something especially disorienting about facing it in your marriage.
You look at the person you once chose, and wonder:
How did we get here? And what am I supposed to do now?
If you’re like many of the people I work with, you might be trying to save your marriage without much help from your spouse. You may not even feel like you’re in a “relationship” anymore, but just trying to hold on to the remnants of one.
When that happens, it’s tempting to try everything.
A new book. A new tactic. A perfect text. The right conversation. The right tone. The right amount of space.
You can exhaust yourself cycling through moves without ever creating traction.
And that’s why I keep coming back to this simple truth:
When you don’t know what to do, start with principles.
Moves vs. Principles (What Jiu Jitsu Taught Me)
When I first started practicing Brazilian jiu jitsu, I was a complete beginner in every way. No background in grappling, no frame of reference. Every position felt awkward. Every roll felt like survival.
But I didn’t want to just flail. I wanted to learn.
What helped wasn’t memorizing a thousand techniques — it was learning the principles behind them.
Things like:
Control the center of gravity
Keep your base before you attack
Use leverage, not brute force
Think two moves ahead
When I understood those principles, I could make better choices in motion. I didn’t need to know every move, just how to move intelligently, based on sound fundamentals.
It’s the same when you’re trying to rebuild a relationship.
You don’t need a script for every conversation.
You need a solid internal compass… that follows principles.
Same in Pickleball (Stay Out of the Kitchen…)
Pickleball has become another unlikely teacher of this truth.
When I was learning to play, I again found myself in over my head, outpaced by players who had been on a court far longer than me.
I started chasing every tip I could find:
"Stay low!" "Drive the third shot!" "Don’t pop it up!"
I tried everything… and won nothing.
What changed the game for me (literally) was stepping back and focusing on principles:
Play with patience
Control the pace
Create pressure without forcing
Stay out of the no-volley zone unless you’ve earned it
When I played by principle, I played with purpose.
I made fewer mistakes. I made better decisions. I let the game come to me.
Relationships Work the Same Way
You can chase tactics forever.
You can read every marriage blog, follow every Instagram therapist, and try every communication model.
But if you don’t have a principled foundation for how to show up — especially in conflict, disconnection, or silence — you’ll default to fear, reaction, or control.
That’s not because you’re broken.
It’s because humans under stress reach for familiarity. And for most of us, familiarity = either overfunctioning (chasing, fixing, convincing) or shutting down (avoiding, withdrawing, numbing out).
What principles do is anchor your behavior when your emotions want to hijack it.
Why Principles Matter in Uncertainty
Let’s be clear: when your marriage feels shaky or one-sided, nothing feels certain.
You don’t know:
Whether your spouse will come around
How long to keep trying
Whether you're doing too much or not enough
Whether anything will change
So what can you do?
You can decide how you want to show up in the meantime.
That’s what principles offer:
A clear, repeatable path forward when outcomes are unknown.
They give you stability without rigidity.
They give you power without pressure.
They give you direction when you don’t yet have a destination.
So What Makes a Good Principle?
It’s not just a helpful saying.
It’s a guiding truth you can act on, no matter what your spouse does.
For example:
“Connect, don’t crowd.” – You stop chasing and start inviting.
“Respond with calm instead of reacting in fear.” – You lead the tone.
“Focus on what you can control.” – You stop gripping outcomes and return to self-leadership.
“Work from agreements, not silent expectations.” – You stop holding unspoken standards no one can meet.
A good principle is one that holds up when things are hard.
It simplifies the swirl.
It interrupts unhelpful habits.
It replaces panic with presence.
The Principles of Saving Your Marriage
After years of working with people trying to save their marriage — many of them doing it alone — I started noticing a pattern. The ones who made progress weren’t always the ones who said the right things or followed the perfect strategy.
They were the ones who stayed grounded. Who kept leading with calm and clarity, even when they were scared, heartbroken, or exhausted.
And they almost always had a few core principles they came back to.
That’s what inspired me to create my newest resource:
The Principles of Saving Your Marriage, a 10-part audio + action series for people who want to lead relational change, even if they’re the only one trying right now.
It’s not a course. It’s not a script. It’s not another big project.
It’s a clear and manageable reset.
Each principle is delivered in a short audio training, followed by a 2–3 page action plan that includes:
Key insights
Guided reflection questions
Small shifts you can make
A 5-day mini challenge for each principle
And it’s designed to meet you right where you are, whether you feel uncertain, hurt, or just lost.
Who It’s For
If you’re trying to save your marriage without a spouse who’s actively helping…
If you want to stop over-functioning, chasing, or emotionally shutting down…
If you want something solid to guide your efforts instead of winging it or waiting for your spouse to change…
Then these principles can become your foundation.
You don’t have to control your spouse to lead with strength.
You don’t have to fix everything to make meaningful change.
You just have to start from principle.
So, finally,
I’ve learned a lot from jiu jitsu and pickleball and coaching and failure and marriage.
But one of the deepest lessons is this:
When you’re in a situation that feels bigger than you…
When you don’t know what’s going to happen…
When you don’t even know what to say…
You don’t need a script.
You need a principle.
And once you have that, you’ll know what to do next.
🌀 You can learn more about the series here
🌀 Or just start with the first principle: Connect, Don’t Crowd.
I hope this gives you something solid to walk on.