When You’re the Only One Trying
Why one person can begin the change in a struggling marriage
It’s one of the most common dynamics I see:
Someone wants to save their marriage, but their spouse isn’t trying. They may be checked out, resistant, or certain it’s already over.
And so the question comes:
“How can I save a marriage alone?”
It’s a fair question. Marriage, after all, takes two.
But here’s the truth:
Most relational change doesn’t begin with both people at the table.
It begins when one person chooses to show up differently.
The Quiet Power of One
If you’re the only one trying, it may feel unfair.
Frustrating. Exhausting. Maybe even hopeless.
But don’t underestimate the quiet power of one person’s decision to change.
Relationships are systems. They’re like math equations: change one side, and the other side must adapt.
Or think of it like a dance.
You and your spouse have practiced the same steps for years. They may not be graceful or healthy steps, but they’re familiar. You both know the rhythm.
But if you begin to move differently… more gently, more calmly, more intentionally, your spouse will feel it. And slowly, perhaps surprisingly, they may begin to respond.
What You Can Control (And What You Can’t)
When your spouse isn’t trying, it’s easy to fixate on what they’re doing—or not doing. But the more you focus there, the more powerless you’ll feel.
So come back to what is in your control.
I teach a framework called The 3 A’s of Control:
Aspirations – What do you hope for? Who do you want to be in this relationship?
Attitude – Are you open to growth? Can you hold on to hope?
Actions – What are you saying or doing today? What are you choosing not to say or do?
These three — your dreams, your mindset, and your behavior — are yours.
That’s your lane. That’s where real influence begins.
Beware of Outcome Attachment
Here’s one of the biggest emotional traps:
You start doing the work… and begin to expect specific outcomes.
“If I grow… they’ll change.”
“If I connect… they’ll come back.”
“If I’m calm… they’ll see what we could be again.”
Sometimes, yes. But often, not on your timeline. Not the way you script it.
When you become attached to a specific outcome, you begin to keep score.
You read into their every word or silence. You feel every small disappointment as a step backward.
So here’s the shift:
Detach from the outcome. Re-attach to the process.
Focus on what you can do today to connect… to grow… to lead with integrity.
Let go of the scoreboard. Trust the path.
Connection + Change = Traction
What should you focus on when you’re the only one trying?
Two things:
1. Connection
Look for small, honest ways to connect.
Not to fix. Not to prove. Just to be present.
A kind word. A shared moment. A softened tone.
Tiny bridges can lead to real rebuilding.
2. Change
Work on you, not because you're the problem, but because growth is part of life.
You’re not fixing yourself. You’re investing in yourself.
And that naturally shifts the relationship dynamics.
This is not about self-blame.
This is about refusing to stay stuck.
You’re Not Alone in Doing It Alone
Here’s the irony: many people feel isolated in this.
But this is one of the most common patterns in hurting marriages.
You’re not the only one trying.
You’re one of the brave ones who didn’t give up.
Yes, it’s hard. But it’s hopeful.
Because relationships are responsive. Systems adjust. Dances change.
Your efforts matter.
They’re not wasted. They’re creating movement.
A Better Dance Awaits
Maybe the dance you’ve been doing together has become stiff… strained… full of pain.
But if you choose new steps — more grounded, more present, more compassionate — your partner may begin to notice.
They may step toward you.
They may discover there’s a better way to move together.
And that new rhythm? It can start with you.
If you’re looking for deeper guidance in walking this path, the When They’re Not Trying resource offers strategies and encouragement for those who are currently doing the work solo.
👉 Go Here to learn more about the When They’re Not Trying Playbook
Because one person can begin the change.
And one change can shift everything.