Why Crisis Makes You Worse
Cognitive Load and Emotional Regulation
You know you should stay calm. You know yelling (or withdrawing, or using sarcasm as a weapon) makes things worse. You know that when you dysregulate, you damage the relationship you’re trying to save.
You know all of this.
And yet, when you’re in the middle of a marriage crisis, like when money is tight, when your spouse is distant, when you haven’t had a real conversation in weeks, when you’re terrified this might be ending, you can’t seem to access the calm, regulated person you know you are capable of being.
Your worst self shows up exactly when you need your best self.
Why?
The answer isn’t “because you’re weak” or “because you’re broken” or “because you don’t care enough.”
The answer is cognitive load.
What Cognitive Load Means for Your Marriage
Here’s what most people don’t understand about emotional regulation: It requires resources.
Mental resources. Emotional resources. Cognitive resources.
Staying calm when you’re triggered takes brain power. Pausing instead of reacting takes energy. Choosing your words carefully instead of dumping whatever you’re feeling takes capacity.
And you only have so much capacity available at any given time.
Think of it like a reservoir. Every day, you wake up with a certain amount of cognitive and emotional reserve. Throughout the day, everything you do draws from that reservoir:
Making decisions. Solving problems. Managing uncertainty. Processing emotions. Resisting impulses. Dealing with stress. Handling conflict. Managing disappointment. Navigating ambiguity.
All of it depletes the reservoir.
And here’s the critical part: Emotional regulation draws from that same reservoir.
When the reservoir is full — when you’re rested, when life is relatively stable, when you’re not dealing with major stressors — you have plenty of capacity available for regulation. This is why you can stay calm with your boss even when they’re being unreasonable. Why you can be polite to the police officer even when you’re getting a ticket. Why you can control yourself in the courtroom even when you’re upset.
The reservoir is full enough to support regulation.
But when you’re in a marriage crisis? When you’re dealing with financial stress, relationship uncertainty, fear of divorce, sleep deprivation, constant conflict, and the emotional exhaustion of living with someone who’s checked out?
The reservoir is nearly empty.
And when the reservoir is depleted, you don’t have the capacity for regulation. So you may default to whatever pattern you’ve practiced most.
Which, for most people in crisis, is dysregulation.
Why the Courtroom Test Works (And What It Reveals)
Remember the courtroom test from the last article?
A client insists she “can’t help” yelling at her husband. I ask if she’d yell in front of a judge. She says no, of course not. And that proves she CAN regulate… she just doesn’t with her spouse.
But here’s what the courtroom scenario actually reveals about cognitive load:
The courtroom is a single, high-stakes interaction with clear rules, no ambiguity, and limited duration.
Her cognitive resources are available for regulation because:
She’s not chronically stressed (it’s one moment, not ongoing crisis)
The rules are clear (no guessing what the judge expects)
The duration is limited (she just has to hold it together for a short time)
The consequences are immediate and certain (contempt of court is real)
There’s no emotional history (the judge isn’t her spouse, where there is lots of hurt)
Her reservoir has plenty of capacity for that situation.
But the marriage crisis scenario?
Chronic stress. Financial pressure. Relationship uncertainty. Daily triggers. Emotional exhaustion. Sleep deprivation. Constant vigilance about whether her spouse is pulling further away. Ambiguity about what will help and what will hurt. Fear about the future. Grief about what’s already been lost.
Her reservoir is depleted before the conversation even starts.
So when her husband says something that triggers her — even something small — she doesn’t have the capacity to pause, observe her emotion, choose her state, and respond with intention.
She defaults to the practiced pattern: yelling.
Not because she can’t regulate. But because regulation requires resources she doesn’t currently have available.
The Vicious Cycle of Crisis and Dysregulation
Here’s where it gets worse:
Crisis depletes your regulation capacity. But dysregulation creates more crisis.
You’re stressed and exhausted, so you yell. Yelling damages safety and trust. Damaged safety and trust creates more stress. More stress depletes your capacity further. Further depletion makes regulation even harder. Harder regulation means more dysregulation. More dysregulation creates more crisis.
Round and round we go.
And here’s the truly insidious part: Each time you dysregulate, you strengthen that neural pathway. You are literally training your brain that when the reservoir is low, dysregulation is the default response.
Which makes it even more likely to happen next time.
So the person who dysregulates during a crisis isn’t weak or broken. They’re just caught in a loop where:
Crisis depletes their cognitive reserve
Depleted reserve triggers default patterns
Default patterns create more crisis
More crisis depletes reserve further
And the loop continues
Unless you intervene in the cycle.
Why “Just Try Harder” Doesn’t Work
This is why willpower alone won’t solve the problem.
Your spouse (or your therapist, or your well-meaning friend) says: “Just don’t yell. Just stay calm. Just pause before you react.”
And you genuinely want to. You know you should. You promise yourself you will.
But when the moment comes and your reservoir is depleted, willpower isn’t enough. Because willpower itself requires cognitive resources. And you’re already running on empty.
It’s like telling someone who’s been running a marathon to “just sprint” at mile 25. The intention is there. The desire is there. But the capacity isn’t.
This doesn’t mean you’re helpless. It means you need a different strategy than just trying harder.
You need to either:
Increase your reservoir (add capacity),
Reduce the drain (preserve capacity),
Or pre-decide your responses (bypass the need for in-the-moment capacity)
Let’s look at each.
Strategy 1: Increase Your Reservoir
Some things refill your cognitive and emotional reserve:
Sleep. This is non-negotiable. You cannot regulate consistently on chronic sleep deprivation. I know you are stressed and can’t sleep well. I know you’re staying up late trying to solve the marriage crisis. But every night of poor sleep makes regulation harder the next day. Prioritize sleep like your marriage depends on it. Because it does.
Basic physical needs. You’ve heard of being “hangry” — the combination of hungry and angry. Low blood sugar depletes your regulation capacity. So does dehydration. So does physical pain or discomfort. When you’re in crisis, you often neglect basic needs. Big mistake. You can’t afford to.
Brief moments of non-crisis activity. Even 10 minutes doing something that’s not related to the marriage crisis refills the reservoir slightly. A walk. A conversation with a friend about something else. A hobby. Reading something unrelated. Your brain needs breaks from the chronic stress to restore capacity.
Connection with supportive others. Not venting about your spouse (that often depletes you further). But genuine connection with people who care about you. Being seen, heard, and supported actually restores emotional resources.
These aren’t luxuries during crisis. They’re necessities. Because without reservoir capacity, regulation is nearly impossible.
Strategy 2: Reduce the Drain
During crisis, you’re dealing with constant cognitive and emotional load. You can’t eliminate it all, but you can reduce it:
Eliminate non-essential decisions. Decision fatigue is real. Every choice you make depletes your reservoir. During a marriage crisis, simplify everything else. Maybe eat the same breakfast. Wear the same outfit rotation. Reduce the decisions you have to make about things that don’t matter so you have capacity for things that do.
Stop consuming crisis. Doomscrolling news. Reading divorce forums. Googling “signs your marriage is over.” Researching all the ways this could go wrong. This floods your system with more stress and drains your reservoir faster. Limit your consumption of additional crisis material.
Postpone non-urgent problems. You don’t have to solve everything right now. Some things can wait. Some problems can be addressed after you’ve stabilized the marriage. Some projects can be delayed. Stop trying to fix everything simultaneously. It’s depleting you.
Say no to additional commitments. You’re already carrying more than your capacity can handle. Stop saying yes to new things. This isn’t forever. It’s crisis management. But during crisis, protect your capacity ruthlessly.
Reduce uncertainty where possible. Your brain burns enormous energy trying to resolve uncertainty. Can’t control whether your spouse will choose the marriage? True. But you can control your own schedule, your own responses, your own next steps. Reduce uncertainty in the areas you can control.
The goal isn’t to make life easy. The goal is to preserve enough capacity that regulation becomes possible.
Strategy 3: Pre-Decide Your Responses
Here’s the secret that changes everything:
You don’t have to choose your response in the moment. You can choose it in advance.
In-the-moment regulation requires massive cognitive resources. You have to:
Notice you’re triggered
Pause your impulse to react
Observe your emotion
Consider your options
Choose your response
Execute that choice
All while your reservoir is depleted and your nervous system is activated.
That’s asking a lot.
But what if you didn’t have to make all those choices in the moment?
What if you pre-decided how you’d respond to your most common triggers?
“When my spouse criticizes my parenting, instead of defending myself or counter-attacking, I will: take a breath, acknowledge their concern, and ask what specific change they’d like to see.”
“When my spouse gives me the cold shoulder, instead of pursuing them with questions or withdrawing myself, I will: give them space without adding my own withdrawal energy, and check in calmly after an hour.”
“When my spouse brings up divorce, instead of panicking or trying to talk them out of it, I will: pause, acknowledge that I hear they’re in pain, and ask if we can talk about what’s driving that thought.”
You’ve already decided. So when the moment comes, you’re not drawing from an empty reservoir to figure out what to do. You’re executing a pre-made plan.
This is why the courtroom test works. You’ve pre-decided not to yell at judges. That decision was made long before you entered the courtroom. So even though the situation is stressful, you’re not using cognitive resources to decide how to behave. You are executing a pre-existing decision.
You need to do the same thing for your marriage triggers.
Identify your predictable triggers. Design your responses in advance. Practice them mentally when you’re NOT triggered. Then, when the moment comes, execute the plan instead of making it up under stress.
The Aware/Tired Principle
Here’s what you need to internalize:
You are more likely to dysregulate when you’re tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or uncertain.
This isn’t weakness. This is neuroscience.
So when you notice these states — when you’re aware that your reservoir is low — you need to be EXTRA careful, not assume you’ll naturally regulate.
“I’m exhausted and haven’t eaten since breakfast. My spouse just walked in looking annoyed. This is a high-risk moment for dysregulation. I need to be intentional right now.”
The awareness itself doesn’t prevent dysregulation. But it triggers your pre-made plan. It reminds you that your default pattern won’t serve you. It activates the part of your brain that can choose differently.
You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be aware.
Aware that crisis depletes you. Aware that depletion makes regulation harder. Aware that harder doesn’t mean impossible, but it does mean you need to be more intentional.
Why This Matters for Saving Your Marriage
Your spouse is watching your patterns.
Every time you dysregulate, they’re making mental notes. Not consciously keeping score (though some do that too), but their nervous system is tracking: “Is this person safe? Can I trust them? Are they capable of handling stress without falling apart or attacking me?”
And if the answer keeps being “no,” they’re slowly — or quickly — building a case for why this marriage can’t work.
But here’s what’s hopeful:
Your spouse isn’t expecting perfection. They’re looking for progress.
They’re not waiting for you to become some zen master who never gets triggered. They’re watching to see if you can regulate MORE than you dysregulate… if you can catch yourself MORE often than you don’t… if the trend line is moving toward better self-management, even if you still have failures.
And understanding cognitive load changes how you approach that progress.
Instead of beating yourself up for dysregulating when you are depleted (”I should be better than this!”), you recognize: “My reservoir was empty. I defaulted to the practiced pattern. That makes sense. Now what do I need to do to restore capacity and prevent this next time?”
Instead of making promises you can’t keep (”I’ll never yell again!”), you make realistic commitments: “I’m going to protect my sleep, reduce unnecessary decisions, and pre-decide my responses to my top three triggers.”
Instead of trying to be a different person, you’re managing the person you are under realistic conditions.
That’s sustainable. That’s believable to your spouse. That’s actually achievable.
The Hard Truth
Crisis makes regulation harder. But it doesn’t make it impossible.
You CAN regulate even when your reservoir is low. You can build the capacity. You can preserve the resources you have. You can pre-decide responses so you’re not starting from zero in the moment.
But it requires acknowledging that “I can’t help it” is still a lie, even when regulation is hard.
Hard isn’t the same as impossible.
And your marriage can’t survive on “it’s hard so I won’t try.”
Your marriage needs you to say: “It’s hard, so I need to be smarter about how I approach this. I need to manage my cognitive load. I need to restore my capacity. I need to pre-decide my responses. I need to be aware when I’m at high risk for dysregulation and be extra careful in those moments.”
That’s not easy. But it’s possible.
And possible is all you need.
What Comes Next
Understanding cognitive load explains why you struggle. But explanation isn’t transformation.
You still need to learn:
How to catch the stories your brain creates when you’re uncertain (because those stories drive your emotions)
How to develop the observer mind that can watch you have emotions instead of being completely fused with them
How to actually pause when everything in you wants to react
How to choose your state instead of defaulting to your practiced patterns
That’s what’s coming in the next articles.
But for now, start here:
Acknowledge that crisis has depleted your regulation capacity. Then protect and restore that capacity like your marriage depends on it.
Because it does.
Next time: Your brain’s story problem — how uncertainty triggers narrative-building, how negativity bias shapes those stories toward worst-case scenarios, and why the story you’re telling yourself about your marriage is probably wrong.
If you are in the midst of a crisis, and need a path forward, grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.