Why You Feel Like You’re Doing All the Work (And What to Do About It)
There’s a unique kind of pain that comes with trying to save a marriage by yourself.
It’s not the pain of one big betrayal.
It’s not the pain of loud fights or dramatic exits.
It’s quieter than that.
It’s the pain of carrying the whole thing on your back, while the person who promised to carry it with you seems to have put theirs down.
It’s the emotional weight of trying, hoping, adjusting, checking in, working on yourself, reading the books, listening to the podcasts — while your spouse remains distant, passive, or simply disinterested.
And the hardest part?
You’re doing it out of love.
You’re doing it because you care.
You’re doing it because something in you still believes this can be better.
But after a while, the imbalance starts to wear you down.
The Loneliness of Trying Alone
Trying alone doesn’t just make you tired—it makes you question everything.
You start to wonder:
Am I the only one who sees what’s happening?
Am I crazy for still caring?
Why won’t they meet me halfway?
What’s wrong with me that I keep trying?
Should I stop? Walk away? Keep hoping?
You’re not imagining it. The emotional toll is real.
This kind of effort isn’t just exhausting—it can feel invisible.
There’s no applause. No gratitude. No partnership.
You give…and you wait. You reach…and you’re met with silence.
It can feel like trying to build a bridge to someone who’s standing still.
And that hurts.
So much so that even the most resilient, loving, capable people begin to feel broken down by the weight of trying to repair something that takes two, while standing alone.
Let’s Name the Truth
Let’s get honest:
Working on a marriage without your partner’s participation is not fair.
It’s not how it’s supposed to be.
It’s not what you signed up for.
And yet, for many people, it’s the only available starting point.
Here’s what I want you to hear loud and clear:
You are not weak for trying.
You are not desperate for hoping.
You are not foolish for still believing.
You’re in a hard place. A place that calls for courage, clarity, and steady leadership.
And while this work may be heavy, it is not hopeless.
Let’s talk about what to do with that weight.
The Shift: From Emotional Loneliness to Structured Action
If the weight of one-sided effort is crushing you, the answer is not to simply keep pushing through.
It’s to change how you carry it.
This is where structure saves you.
Structure gives shape to your effort.
It replaces emotional spinning with intentional action.
It moves you from reacting to responding.
From chasing to leading.
From panicking to pacing.
Here are five practical shifts to help you reclaim your energy and find your footing, even if your spouse isn’t helping (yet):
1. Separate the Work From the Outcome
It’s natural to want quick feedback from your effort.
But in one-sided work, the first outcome is internal.
You’re not changing them. You’re changing how you show up.
So instead of asking,
“Is this working on them?”
Try asking:
“Is this anchoring me in clarity, calm, and strength?”
Marriage change often lags. What you do today may not ripple out for weeks or months.
But your internal steadiness starts showing up right away.
2. Build Rhythms, Not Reactions
One-sided effort becomes overwhelming when it’s reaction-driven:
They shut down? You talk more.
They snap at you? You overexplain.
They give nothing? You give double.
This cycle drains you.
Instead, establish rhythms you control—like:
A weekly note of kindness or appreciation
A daily personal reset practice (journaling, prayer, breathing, grounding)
A “tag-along” invitation once or twice a week (low-stakes togetherness, no pressure)
A set day for your own growth work (reading, therapy, coaching)
This structure gives you stability without waiting on their behavior to lead.
3. Define the Line Between Hope and Hustling
Hope is not about convincing.
It’s about becoming someone steady, self-led, and clear in their values.
When hope turns into hustling for love, you lose your footing.
Ask yourself:
“Would I still do this if I knew I couldn’t control their response?”
If the answer is yes, you’re acting from aligned hope.
If the answer is no, you might be chasing relief, not building connection.
That distinction will save your heart.
4. Create Safety Through Regulation, Not Reassurance
Your spouse may not feel emotionally safe with you right now.
Not because you’re unsafe, but because they don’t feel safe in the relationship dynamic.
Trying to extract reassurance (“Do you love me?” “Will this work?” “Can we talk?”) often pushes them away further.
Instead, create safety through your regulation.
Let your voice be calmer.
Let your pauses be longer.
Let your presence be less about fixing and more about simply being.
This is the heart of what I call “pacing” — the third path between chasing and withdrawing.
(You can read more about this in Reconnect Without Chasing).
5. Honor Your Effort—Without Making It a Sacrifice
There’s a fine line between commitment and self-abandonment.
Working alone doesn’t mean becoming a martyr. It means:
Taking breaks
Naming your limits
Doing your own healing
Saying “enough for now” without giving up on the long game
You don’t have to prove your love by exhausting yourself.
You can love steadily, not frantically.
That’s what leadership in love looks like.
When They’re Not Trying: What Now?
You might be reading all of this and still feel the ache:
“But it’s not fair. They should be doing this too.”
And you’re right.
But here’s the shift:
When they’re not trying, you still have options.
Not easy ones. Not magic ones. But real ones.
And those options start with you.
Not because you’re the problem. But because you’re the only one available right now to lead the change.
If You Want to Take the Next Step...
I’ve created several tools that were built specifically for people in your shoes—people doing the work without a willing partner (yet).
If that’s you, these are for you:
👉 When They’re Not Trying
A compassionate, clear guide to leading with hope without losing yourself.
Learn how to hold the line, stay steady, and stop panicking about their passivity.
👉 The Daily Better
Based on a 3-part audio series, this workbook helps you create simple systems for showing up well, one day at a time—even in the hardest seasons.
👉 Reconnect Without Chasing
If you're tired of over-explaining, pursuing, or begging for connection, this workbook + audio training shows you how to balance space and connection without losing your integrity or warmth.
These aren’t meant to replace your spouse’s participation.
They’re here to keep you from falling apart while waiting for it.
Because the truth is: Change often starts with one.
Not always by choice, but always with possibility.
Final Word
You’re not crazy for still trying.
You’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed.
And you’re not powerless, even if your spouse is passive right now.
One-sided effort isn’t sustainable unless it’s structured, supported, and grounded in the right posture.
Not chasing.
Not convincing.
But leading — with clarity, steadiness, and aligned hope.
If that’s your next step, I’m here to help you take it.